When Hans Friedrich, our last Chief Product Debugger, was hauled off to the asylum after going insane from the amount of work we forced him to do (and also from the psychological trauma associated with Toxic Umbrella Shock Syndrome [TUSS]), he begged us to let Project Umbrella Corp. die. Instead, we completely ignored him and hired a new Chief Debugger. An exhaustive worldwide search uncovered the only being in the universe capable of testing such a dangerous product: my cousin, the undead one-armed robot/clown from Antarctica.

He really has a way with customers.

Only the supercharged immune system of an undead robot can survive the rigors involved with the Solar Powered Umbrella. This was discovered after the near-fatal lightning mishap last year involving Chief Debugger Friedrich. Hee hee, he thought he wouldn’t get struck by lightning! Well, he did. His whole body was scarred by the electric burns, and the bad publicity almost bankrupted us. But thanks to loyal customers who are unfazed by or unaware of our safety record, we have been able to bring Mr. Friedrich’s dream to fruition: a Solar Powered Umbrella in every house.

Our customers love us, even when we replace their hands with flamethrowers.

The Solar Powered Umbrella has a metallic shaft, composed of 35% iron, 25% manganese, 20% copper, 15% cobalt, and 5% people. The new “Mach II” design allows for complete aerodynamic grip. The webbing of the umbrella is a silk-thetic polymer approximating the atomic structure of pleather. Millions of photo-voltaic cells are sewn right into the webbing, allowing the power core to recharge continually.

It continually absorbs sunlight through its power cells.

Like many Roboshrub Inc. products, as well as your mind, the Solar Powered Umbrella will only work when open. Replacement spokes are available strictly on a need-to-know basis. Do not expose the Solar Powered Umbrella to inclement weather, as this damages the OC-1900 energy conversion capacitor. Roboshrub Inc. cannot be held liable for intense electric shocks associated with this product. The Solar Powered Umbrella is meant for entertainment purposes only. Do not ingest. Machine washable.

When Marion Earle called us in to solve her paranormal firm’s organizational issues, we scoffed, sneered, fleered, and flouted. A multinational twelve-tiered company like Roboshrub Inc. can’t just help other companies sort out their paperwork; we must be a leader in the field! As of 00:30:06:N on the 12^th day of the previous month, the Zombietree Trust, our Antarctican branch, became the exclusive tester/consumer of the trademarked Permanent Paper Clip.

Marion Earle, the one-armed office manager/mermaid.

We’ve been searching for a fairly long time to showcase the exploits of the Zombietree Trust, and Marion’s specifically requested that her product be invented by the undead. So it was just a matter of getting an undead research team together and giving them clearly defined, yet vaguely threatening, instructions. There’s been a great deal of tension between the Roboshrub and the Zombietrees since the hostile takeover in 2004, but this joint venture allowed both sides to bury the hatchet.

The research team, led by my one-armed undead cousin.

And where that hatched landed, a new concept was born: the idea of “Zero Compression Space.” Postulated by long-zombified mathematician Bark Pineman, the theory states that the shortest distance between two points is always zero, since any two points in our space occupy the same position in another universe. By punching a hole through the very fabric of reality, our zombie team was able to bring office design to a whole new level.

“Manila folders go on this side of hole in space. Me want brains!”

The Permanent Paper Clip adheres to any solid surface. Upon placement, the clip will fold the space continuum onto itself, pocketing your most precious office documents in a parallel micro-universe, preventing all future access. Due to the temporal differences involved in the transition, do not use carbon paper or paper that has been exposed to liquid. For best results, do not attempt to use two Permanent Paper Clips on the same document.

High above the mountains nigh,
a G-type star doth freely fly.

Gazed upon by generations,
base of all our calculations.

What is this being of such majesty?
Is it merely a cosmic travesty?

Shining down on all of life,
it sees the good, it sees the strife.

And then, and then, in 2010,
when the solar cycles began again,

The Sun, in all its glowing glory
Rained down fire, end of story.

Every once in a billion years,
A star just busts; its fabric tears.

We all saw it coming; all of us knew.
We saw the melting of the solar glue.

How droll. How shallow. How pedantic.
How arbitrary, how unromantic!

In 2010, the sun exploded.
Like an old toy truck, wires corroded.

In 2009. In 2008. In 2007 we saw it coming.
The Simpsons, the longest cartoon running.

That should have been the biggest giver.
The hugest clue. The bite-size sliver.

For when a T.V. show does run,
for twenty years and ten plus fun,

The sun can't hold the patter of feets.
It can't sustain the assorted red meats.

Because, as we all know, the sun is a vegan.
It can't eat ham-blasted deep-fried raisins.

And that, dear reader, is why the sun went boom.
Not because of you, drive C was out of room.

Hard drive, disk space, storage and bandwith,
It doesn't change a thing when the sun wants a sandwich.

'Cause when the sun gets angry at the lack of tater tots,
No amount of pilot lights can quench its solar blots.

Sea life, plants, animals and rocks,
When the sun comes to town, nobody talks.

Deep down every form of effervescent lifeform
Knows the time of day is more than a heated snowstorm.

It's an ancient process, young one, that few can understand.
And even less can comprehend the quiescent demand.

But believe me when I say to you I didn't ever think
That after tens of nano-years the sun could ever sink

To such a level of sheer malice and unrequited spite,
That it would pose a challenge to the Templar's bestest knight.

Who else could fight it? The Moon fight the sun?
Ha! The Moon is a coward. No, the knight's the only one.

Have at it! The sun must not defend!
Harry right! Harry left! Oh, why can't you comprehend

That deep beneath its burning exterior beats a heart of gold.
Under all the fiery demonspawn lurk treasures never told.

How could the sun play StarCraft? It doesn't even pwn
The n00bs on BattleNet, so how can it mow the lawn?

The sun wouldn't even think to mow the lawn this summer day.
Its solar core about to breach, it doesn't know the way.

The way to where? And why should I care?
And who will join the fray? And why is there

A starship there, to take the sun away?
Starship? No. It cannot be. That thing is made of clay.

But nice try, though. Good effort. Another point for you.
And thanks for taking my thoughts away from melting solar glue.

Yes. The sun. Those foolish fools and their Templar knight
And their solar glue and their starship flights.

Why can't everyone just see the sun is getting kind of mean?
It used to be a real nice guy, emitting shiny sunbeams.

And now, against the clock, with time to spare
ten more seconds 'til the end of the square,

Which is good, since the square is the sun's worst foe.
Have been foes since the days of Poe. When he stubbed his toe.

And then, and then, in 2010,
The Templar's knight took his revenge

Against the sun, and also the moon
But not before the two hired a goon

To knock the knight right off his horse,
And fall he did, his landing coarse.

And like the knight, our very future
Was in desperate need of suture.

The sun, together with the moon at last?
It couldn't be. Their time was past.

We can live without them both.
Just pull out some powdered toast.

"To be the ones in charge of bread
Will do our people good", I said.

To not depend on moon or sun
For blankets woven, stories spun,

Will be the best gift ever given.
2010, Templar risen!

*waves hands*

The creator of "Wren & Stimpy" is now on Blogger. You feel compelled to visit his blog...

And also, the blog of MC Hammer.

*snaps fingers*

Reggie Racer needs to get to school- five minutes from now! But he lives a half hour away from his school! Can you help Reggie get to school faster?

If Reggie misses school, he goes back to fat camp.

With Roboshrub Incorporated’s all new Rocket-Propelled Shoelaces, Reggie can get to school, and in only a matter of nanoseconds. Engineered by the Shoddy Engineering Department, each shoelace contains a small hyper-fossil combustor, which is 32% more effective than conventional rocket boosters.

You can grill a ten stone pig over this thing!

So yes, Reggie did get to school in time. Unfortunately, he approached the speed of light and was transposed into the puppet dimension. And no one ever escapes the puppet dimension.

Well, he was sent to some kind of dimension...

The concept of rocket-propelled footgear really took off after the success of our “Zero Calorie Shoes” product. Our customers loved the idea of weight loss, but hated actually walking. So we revamped the whole project, and streamlined the Roboshrub Inc. foot policy. Rocket-Propelled Shoelaces are intended to work in conjunction with Zero Calorie Shoes, or indeed any shoes, turning your feet into feats of fanaticism. Fly from point A to point B in the blink of an eye! Impress your friends by doing somersaults in mid-air! Any kind of aerial endeavor is now possible thanks to Rocket-Propelled Shoelaces!

When we asked famed street artist and anti-ocean activist Nigel Stottlebottom to design our impermeable nautical fashion line, we expected not only a sound rejection, but several dead birds in the mail. What followed was a complete repudiation of Mr. Stottlebottom’s reputation as a crotchety old grouch, and a significant advancement in the field of wet gear anthropomorphology.

Anything short of a dead fish in the mail is a positive development.

Since the 1960s, there has been a market demand for a James Bond style action suit, able to keep the wearer safe from the chilling effects of sub-zero temperature water. Here at Roboshrub Incorporated, we believe that any idea that can generate revenue should be pursued to within a tolerance of .0001% of the total destruction of the Earth. To build such a fantastic and impossible product, we needed the best of the best. But the best of the best were too expensive. So next we tried the worst of the worst. But looking at the caliber of their work, we saw that they were inadequate to meet our qualitative needs. That’s when we turned to the worst of the best. Unfortunately, they didn’t exist due to a lack of metaphors involving them. So we turned to the best of the worst, Nigel Stottlebottom.

Our talent scouts know a winner when they see one.

Stottlebottom came into prominence in the early 1950s when he began his crusade against the oceans of the world. Having lost his entire family in a carnival cruise mishap, Nigel went on to found the Concerned Americans for the Abolishment of the Oceans (CAAO). In 1957, at the tender age of 30, he made his first foray into the world of children’s literature to promote his ideology. He authored a series of anti-ocean comic strips involving the adventures of ElectroBob, a character designed to relate to kids. In Stottlebottom’s first story, “Beneath the Tides,” an army of tidal waves with thick Austrian accents and machetes make their way ten miles inland, destroying all life in their path.

ElectroBob says: “Stay out of the murderous waters!”

Some called him a visionary. Others mocked his ridiculous fashion sense. We saw through his insanity, and realized that anyone who hated the oceans that much would obviously know how to protect themselves from the sub-arctic temperatures in the oceans’ vast depths. So once we got Stottlebottom on our payroll, we gave him the best materials to work with, but we set a strict time frame. We can’t have our competition coming out with the next super suit while we’re still in R & R, you know. Dry Wetsuits come with a fine-point titanium lining, which creates a static matter bubble to prevent leakage. Wear the Dry Wetsuit anywhere! It works for all occasions, and never needs to be cleaned.

The Dry Wetsuit, as modeled by creator Nigel Stottlebottom.

Each suit is personally inspected by Nigel Stottlebottom, and as per his working conditions agreement, we are required to inform you that “the oceans of the Earth are responsible for the countless deaths that have occurred over them (the oceans) for the last several centuries, at least. The oceans must be stopped at all costs.” Roboshrub Inc. does not endorse this view.

Mitch McConnell was a construction worker over at the east side docks. He worked the night shift, tunneling out the basement of the new seaport sky dome.

Mitch also liked to read the paper. Every day, Mitch would pick up a copy of the Times on his way back from work. He read it before he went to bed each morning, after his shift ended, and enjoyed laughing at the editorials he disagreed with. One day, an insert fell out of the Times. It was a coupon for a discounted yearlong subscription! Oh, how happy Mitch was to mail that insert in! Finally, he would have the paper delivered right to his front door, which would cut an extra 5 minutes off of his commute.

Now he can finally stop for hot dogs!

The paper arrived the next day. Mitch had just gotten home from work, and was about to unlock his front door when he heard the sound of a bicycle. Turning around, he waved as the paper boy grabbed a copy of the Times and chucked it right at him. Mitch ducked, but it was too late; for it had been the Sunday edition, and weighed nearly five pounds. Knocked off his feet, Mitch fell sideways over the railing and into a garbage can. His forehead was completely crushed.

It’s worth every cent.

That’s when Roboshrub Inc. stepped in. We needed a guinea pig test subject for our new experimental Prosthetic Foreheads, and Mitch was in desperate need of a way to prevent his brain from exiting his skull via the front. Twelve hours of surgery and voodoo later, Mr. McConnell’s forehead was restored to its pristine pre newspaper contact state. Following his miraculous and gradual recovery, Mitch McConnell went on to write his world-renowned memoir, “Overcoming Democracy in 12 Easy Steps.”

You can go back to leading a perfectly normal life.

What happened to Mr. McConnell isn’t that rare an occurrence. But while we can’t all avoid the foibles of life that lead to forehead trauma, we can at least (through Roboshrub Inc.’s body enhancement and replacement program) muddle through it with the best in artificial limbs and organs. Prosthetic Foreheads are made from 100% recycled materials, and (unlike our last model of prosthetic headgear) do not contain toxic elements or cause hallucinations of a mischievous Oompa Loompa. All Roboshrub Inc. Prosthetic Foreheads are flame retardant, but ironically burst into flame when exposed to water. Do not sit on your Prosthetic Forehead.

Yum yum, I’ve got some gum! Not just any gum, but Roboshrub Inc. party favor flavored gum! This gum’s the best in all the land. Just ask our spokes-chewer, Jeffy the Wonder Dog. We put some Ham-Flavored Bubble Gum right next to his food bowl the other day, and he’s still chewing like there’s no tomorrow! Go, Jeffy, go!

“Jeffy, come down from there at once!”

To answer your first question, yes, Ham-Flavored Bubble Gum is completely kosher. We at Roboshrub Inc. have tried to recreate the aroma and flavor of ham by combining several fatty acids and peptones found to be naturally occurring in plants and in animals other than pigs. Failing to do that, we reverse genetically engineered human clones into a pig-like form, and ground them up to provide the zesty tang in every chew. While this has been called “cannibalistic,” “amoral,” and also “not kosher” by every religious and governmental body on Earth, we believe that we acted fully within the realm of the possible.

Synthetic pig-men are 100% kosher.

Ham-Flavored Bubble Gum contains synthetic food coloring and artificial flavoring. As with all Roboshrub Incorporated products, it is sugar based and has a high fat content. No humans or pigs were harmed in the manufacture of this product, although many, many thousands of pig-men were butchered to provide all-natural taste. Sold in both tablet and roll strip form. For more information about the nutritional content of Ham-Flavored Bubble Gum, contact Jeffy the Wonder Dog at his palace in downtown Detroit.

Tom Waits’ raspy voice and original rhythms have inspired some of the best merchandise in the Roboshrub Inc. product lines. So when tertiary fungineer Sam Williams zoned out on the job to “Cemetery Polka,” we were weren’t about to just out and out fire him. But when we stormed his house and found pictures of Ronald Reagan with the eyes cut out, we had him secretly entombed in the Roboshrub Inc. catacombs.

Roboshrub Incorporated’s “Fortunado class” severance package.

But the concept of Waits-inspired commodities brokered a strange alliance between the Roboshrub Inc. Classical Toy Production Department and the Department of Sequential Edges. After failing miserably to impress our intergalactic overlords with the perpendicular Frisbee, the alliance was nearly scrapped. But the ghost of Sam Williams came to the project leaders in a dream, and added a smidgen of Moxy Fruvous into the Waits mix. Suddenly, the solution was obvious: the toy that most resembled Tom Waits’ early works was the slinky, clearly a supplemental metaphor for “Rain Dogs.” Displeased with the Moxy component, the DSE demanded the immediate supplication of the slinky. This resulted in what can only be the greatest ware we’ve ever sold!

Hours of fun for children of all ages!

The Straight Slinky is composed of nickel and cobalt. In dire circumstances, it can be used to skewer rats or other small mammals for human consumption. Do not place the Straight Slinky near or in the ocular cavity. Recommended for ages 2 and up.

Ever gotten the wicked urge to brush your teeth, but lack the ten minutes or so to accurately clean your back molars? Those incisors won’t polish themselves! Holy rice crispy squares, Banana Man! Roboshrub Inc. just came up with a creative new way to hyper-brush those pesky sabers fixed on to what is laughingly called your mouth. During the late 90s, the Congress asked us to implement what was christened “Operation Deep Sea Diving Adventure Island” by the top military brass.

General Fear explains the project to Congress.

The purpose of the program was to divide any number perfectly by zero, which would cause a massive thermonuclear blast to engulf all matter within the device’s 40 mile vicinity. Originally intended as a means to avoid press conferences, we have since adapted the product to serve as a personal hygiene cleanser. The detonator has been removed, and the manual trigger supplanted by a dense swath of multi-tiered bristles. The power source is still cold fusion, which is paradoxically extremely hot.

Put the power of a thousand Hindenburgs in your mouth!

We tested the Hydrogen Toothbrush on one thousand test subjects, and 99.9 percent of them did not experienced a critical reactor meltdown (this one guy, Phil Anderson, thought it would be funny to hit it with a rock. His family is suing us). However, the FTC requires that we include a warning label on all instances of this product notifying our customers that it may unexpectedly combust, incinerating you, your property, and your neighborhood. For best results, do not use within 40 miles of inhabited land. The Hydrogen Toothbrush is not meant for use on deciduous teeth. Do not expose the Hydrogen Toothbrush to magnetic or infrared devices. Roboshrub Incorporated cannot be held liable for rock-related detonations (you hear that, Anderson family?!).

According to the American Obesity Association, roughly two thirds of the American people are overweight. And about a third of Americans are truly obese. Obesity and fatness in general leads to a host of “body breakdowns,” such as heart failure. The fact that so many people will undergo these breakdowns merely compounds the crisis. Faced with such a major long-term health crunch, Roboshrub Inc. aims to fix this problem with our newest and most cheaply made product, Zero Calorie Shoes.

The McTriple really pushed us over the top.

Zero Calorie Shoes are the best in weight-loss footwear. West of the Mississippi, south of the Sahara, you can look all over the world for a better bipedal covering, and come up empty. Yes, we know what you’re thinking: “What’s the catch?” The catch, prospective customer, is that for every pound you lose, Roboshrub Inc. receives a variable stipend from the United Nations’ Obesity Prevention Department. What began as an international effort to curtail the ballooning obesity rates is now a very lucrative multi-quintillion dollar industry. As the sole legally recognized monopoly, Roboshrub Incorporated is entrusted with the production of Product #0273-40j (Zero Calorie Shoes). But how do the shoes work?

Original weight: 410 lbs.

The instructions for operating what was once dubbed “The Product That Has No Number” is so simple that a severely brain-damaged circus bear with one paw and a belly full of dynamite could perform it. Simply attach the shoes to your feet. Then, while wearing the Zero Calorie Shoes, walk. Walk until the microscale (which has a vocal modulation chip, don’t you know) informs you that your weight has reached nominal blubbertude. Do not eat or drink or ingest sawdust while using this product. Results may vary.

A sudden burst of sunlight jars you awake. You find yourself face down in the gutter. Your clothes are soaked in some kind of unholy combination of Pepsi and mustard. The previous night is already lost; fleeting images of a huge fight echo in the back of your consciousness. You stand up, gasping as your legs give way. Stumbling, hunched over, you make your way home, which happens to be a block away. You ascend the stairwell. You drag yourself in. You take a gander over at the clock on your mantel. NOOOOOOOOOO! You’ve got to be at work in less than 20 minutes! However will you cleanse yourself of the stench of rotten food and burned flesh?!

How will you clean up in time?!

You collapse onto an ergonomically-correct armchair, realizing far too late that you severely reduced the resell value of your most expensive piece of furniture by covering it in whatever it was that is currently adhered to your pants and shirt. There’s no way you can show up for work like this. Not only that, but your boss told you that if you exceeded your vacation/sick day limit again, you’d be fired! Regretting your decision to fly out to Disneyland last week, you pull out today’s paper (which you swiped from your neighbors before you dragged yourself in, you slob). A glance through the classified section yields nothing. At least, nothing that would generate the income necessary for the standard of living to which you’ve become accustomed. The nadir hits. All seems lost. You’re ready to cut off one your own fingers just to come up with a legitimate medical excuse. Then... lightning strikes. You jerk your head around. Running on pure adrenaline, you pry open the medicine cabinet and pull out the only thing that can save your career: Skin-B-Gone Body Spray.

Good thing it works instantly!

Roboshrub Inc. operates under the motto “stuff happens”. Actually, it’s sort of a quasi-religious mantra around here. We even have a cult that routinely sacrifices underachieving employees to Facesso, the robot god of quality. So when our focus groups clamored for something that would get rid of bad odors, we took it to its logical extreme. Bad odor is caused by bacteria that live on human flesh, and in most fabrics. Therefore, the only way to eliminate odor is to destroy all matter capable of sustaining microbial life. It took countless years of half-disintegrated test subjects (mostly mice and men), but we finally created a marketable product. Apply the spray directly to skin. Side effects will include a violent and painful death.

Ever get something stuck in your ear that no amount of Q-Tips can remove? Throw away the Q-Tips! Q-Tips cannot help you. I guess what I’m saying is, my central theme is that somehow, you won’t be helped by Q-Tips. So don’t even try to use Q-Tips in that kind of situation.

Feel free to go ahead and burn all your Q-Tips.

Thanks to the finest in fungineering and imadnization plasticization, centrifugal force is finally being moved out of the laboratory and into the home. Unlike the Centripetal Tweezers, the Centrifugal Tweezers utilize the Normal Force inherent in the gravitational pull of the Earth (or any object for that matter) to extract whatever might be lodged deep inside any cavity you need something dislodged from. Got a Frisbee stuck on the roof? Centrifugal Tweezers can help you! Broke off a chopstick in your ear? Centrifugal Tweezers will be there! Can’t pay your taxes, and the bills are piling up? Centrifugal Tweezers should be able to provide sustenance until the economy revs up.

Finally: centrifugal force in the home.

Sure, some scientists argue that there’s no such thing as centrifugal force. They call it “fictitious” and “a confusing term”. What these eggheads don’t grasp is that Roboshrub Inc. is a corporate giant, and capable of generating an infinite number of previously nonexistent physical forces. Warranty void if used, looked at slightly, or observed by one of six senses (ESP counts). Keep out of reach of sharks.

One cloudy morn over 500 years ago, a shot rang out. It wasn’t a literal gunshot, but the metaphorical shot of discovery, of adventure. It was the voyages of Christopher Columbus, Amerigo Vespucci, of Sir Francis Drake and... uh... Bluebeard the Pirate. The Old World was, for the first time, learning of the existence of two hitherto unknown continents. But the discovery raised some logistical problems. To calculate longitude, a methodical way to keep perfect time was needed. It wasn’t until the 1750s that the first accurate chronometers came into widespread use.

Bluebeard’s primitive sword-based chronometer.

Then for a long time, nothing happened. Sure, there was the invention of digital timepieces, and atomic clocks, but did any of them generate the unbridled enthusiasm and celebratory attitude of the original chronometer?! No! People were never passionate about digital watches. Partly due to the mass production and rise of the military/industrial/tourism complex, popular demand for Old World chronometers fell sharply. But after years of disinterest, Roboshrub Inc. is bringing analog clocks back into vogue with our brand-spanking-new Handless Watches.

It keeps time like there’s no tomorrow!

Yes, not only are these clocks not digital, but to show how hardcore we are, they don’t even include hour, minute, or second hands. In fact, we removed the entire internal mechanisms to control such minutia. This allowed us to reduce the gross weight of the product and minimize its production cost, while simultaneously allowing us to increase its list price by a factor of a brajillion (we marked up the cost so high that science had to come up with a way to explain it). Free digital watch with every purchase.

Ever since the dawn of spaceflight, entrepreneurs and government officials have dreamed of a way to explore both the depths of space—as well as the ocean depths—with the same vehicle. Roboshrub Inc. has fulfilled that burning market demand in the form of the OmniCraft™. Engineered under the careful watch of famed clock maker and jewel thief Dr. Carlos “Pockets” Brodski, the OmniCraft is capable of altitudes ranging from -12,000 kilometers to infinity.

Able to reach any altitude!

We’ve spent over forty million dollars (American) to realize and refine Dr. Brodski’s original conceptual design, and imbued the final product with the type of magic and pure unadulterated quality present in all Roboshrub Incorporated inventions. During the testing process, we managed to switch power types from pollutant-generating coal to lean, clean nuclear power. This allowed us to both streamline the water pressure tanks, allowing for deeper underwater maneuverability, and add more layers onto the hull, allowing for submergence to a depth where the water pressure is well over a million PSI.

A scaled blueprint of the OmniCraft™ engine.

The OmniCraft™ has four fission rockets which allow it to reach speeds of up to Mach Lucky 7, which translates roughly to Mach 7.7. Prior experience with spacecraft and/or watercraft may be required for full operational use. Includes a complement of robotic probes with motion and temperature sensors, a 300 foot tether cable, two 12-bulb industrial strength LED Luxion headlamps, and your choice of 36 custom OmniCraft™ decals. Not meant for use in zero gravity or underwater environments.

A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters, if given enough time, will type the entire works of Shakespeare. So, when the IABSC (Intercontinental Association of Burly Sea Captains) asked us to design a hull plating, we followed the monkey model, with slight changes. Instead of a thousand typewriters, we used 46 high-end Apple Cubes, utilized by 133 pygmy marmosets.

The Intercontinental Association of Burly Sea Captains.

To keep in line with Roboshrub Incorporated’s strict imadnization process (imagination and madness combined), an ungodly amount of riboflavin was introduced to the marmoset’s immune systems. We quickly realized how unwise this was, but by the time our Primate Pacification Squad arrived, all they could do was direct the janitor to clean the blood and banana yogurt off the monitors.

Fortunately, our Chief Product Debugger, Hans Friedrich, noted that shortly before their mysterious demise (at least that’s what the animal rights groups believe), the marmosets entered the correct number of quarks present in one kiloton of neutronium. From that data, top scientists were able to extrapolate that the best kind of hull plating for seafaring vessels would be cardboard-based.

Capable of zero permeability and infinite density!

Cardboard Hull Plating is meant solely for use by trained burly sea captains. Misuse of hull plating results in rash, fireburns, uncontrollable falling down syndrome (UFDS), and nutrient deficiency. Roboshrub Inc. cannot be held liable for cargo lost to iceberg or pirate related incidents. Do not use near open flames.

With so many tropical plants being driven to extinction, and the price of oil and petroleum by-products approaching record levels, it has become an economic necessity to find alternate materials to compete with plastic. The fuel shortage is estimated to peak when oil reaches its zenith in about 30 years, bringing with it Armageddon and an end to classic Rock n’ Roll.

We feel that only Roboshrub Inc. is capable of tackling this serious, life-altering, translucent, problem. An industrial accident at a children’s birthday party three years ago caused a massive amount of microwave radiation to meld 1×10⁹⁸ nanometers of aluminum foil with a semi-inflated plastic balloon, giving the world its first, albeit deadly and semi-melted aluminum balloon.

The tragic birthday party massacre.

Aluminum balloons sport several key item features that place them above the plasticized competition. Unlike their plastic cousins, the Aluminum Balloon never needs to be blown up. It comes ready inflated, and there’s virtually no risk of it flying away, since the aluminum atoms possess a 12,869% greater density than any refined rubber product. Children will enjoy the Aluminum Balloon for hours on end. Recent studies by Pushy Child Monthly reveal that playing with metallic toys bolsters your youngster’s immune system enough to ward off illnesses such as the bubonic plague and monkey pox.

And they never need to be blown up!

The Aluminum Balloon starter kit includes ten already inflated balloons, 75 meters of diamond-strength balloon tether twine, a copy of the popular novel “Ballooning to the Top: The Bittersweet History of Aluminum”, and of course the 200-page instruction manual. Read the manual thoroughly, as it indemnifies Roboshrub Inc. against lawsuits stemming from aluminum related diseases that our customers may or may not contract. Not for outdoor use.

Style is relative. But fashion experts throughout history and across the world agree: bald is out this year. Are you among the millions of balding individuals shunned by society for having little more than peach fuzz on top of your cranium? Help is on the way! Recently approved by the Fashion and Design Administration (FDA), the Tranparent Wig acts, looks, and feels like naturally grown hair. Transparent wigs will be available starting February 31^st at participating wig outlets.

It feels so natural!

Roboshrub Incorporated has a long history of making extensive varieties of wigs. For over 80 thought-years, the robotic elves who maintain our product development have put their lives on the line for our wig-based initiatives. First came the Glow-in-the-Dark Wig in 1981, which boasted the first lead-based scalp adhesive. Following its failure and the subsequent lawsuits, the “Executive Class” Rainbow Toupee was re-released in 1994 at the World Fair in parallel universe New York. Its wild success in the parallel universe didn’t translate well into our dimension, due to the lack of a World Fair. Our Dimensional Telecommunications Department dubbed this the “Multiversal Wind-Chill Factor”.

The re-released “Executive Class” Rainbow Toupee.

The final product is over 40% more durable than the official prototype hairpiece, which was unable to withstand more than 500 Kelvins of raw energy. Transparent Wigs are not machine washable. Dry clean only. Keep out of reach of children.

Feel that tingling sensation in the back of your throat? That’s not an early indicator of cardiac failure- it’s your taste buds dancing in anticipation of Roboshrub Incorporated’s newest culinary delight. Dinner and dessert have been fused together into an amalgamation of crispy, crunchy sweetness.

Don’t you just wanna eat one?

Our competitors said it couldn’t be done. Our competitors said that adhering a sugary coating onto something already deep-fried was a lawsuit waiting to happen. But we say that sometimes, arteries just misbehave. Sometimes they get on your nerves. Up there on their high moral horses. Enough of their snobbishness! Give those insolent corpuscles what they deserve- and enjoy yourself in the process!

One bite and you’re hooked.

Frosted Fish Sticks contains trace amounts of Niacin, Melanin, Riboflavin, Beta Keratin, Cadmium, Chromium, Lithium, Thymine, Guanine, Cytosine, Adenine, Caffeine, Carbon-14, Manganese, Vitamin D, Ethanol, High-Fructose Corn Syrup, Red 21, Blue 32, Zinc, Iron, and small amounts of Adrenal extract. Does not contain actual fish. Consult your doctor before ingestion. Roboshrub Inc. cannot be held responsible for loss of life, limb, or property resulting from the use of this product. Goes great with butter.