Product #8346-68x “Handless Watches”

One cloudy morn over 500 years ago, a shot rang out. It wasn’t a literal gunshot, but the metaphorical shot of discovery, of adventure. It was the voyages of Christopher Columbus, Amerigo Vespucci, of Sir Francis Drake and... uh... Bluebeard the Pirate. The Old World was, for the first time, learning of the existence of two hitherto unknown continents. But the discovery raised some logistical problems. To calculate longitude, a methodical way to keep perfect time was needed. It wasn’t until the 1750s that the first accurate chronometers came into widespread use.

Bluebeard’s primitive sword-based chronometer.

Then for a long time, nothing happened. Sure, there was the invention of digital timepieces, and atomic clocks, but did any of them generate the unbridled enthusiasm and celebratory attitude of the original chronometer?! No! People were never passionate about digital watches. Partly due to the mass production and rise of the military/industrial/tourism complex, popular demand for Old World chronometers fell sharply. But after years of disinterest, Roboshrub Inc. is bringing analog clocks back into vogue with our brand-spanking-new Handless Watches.

It keeps time like there’s no tomorrow!

Yes, not only are these clocks not digital, but to show how hardcore we are, they don’t even include hour, minute, or second hands. In fact, we removed the entire internal mechanisms to control such minutia. This allowed us to reduce the gross weight of the product and minimize its production cost, while simultaneously allowing us to increase its list price by a factor of a brajillion (we marked up the cost so high that science had to come up with a way to explain it). Free digital watch with every purchase.