A sudden burst of sunlight jars you awake. You find yourself face down in the gutter. Your clothes are soaked in some kind of unholy combination of Pepsi and mustard. The previous night is already lost; fleeting images of a huge fight echo in the back of your consciousness. You stand up, gasping as your legs give way. Stumbling, hunched over, you make your way home, which happens to be a block away. You ascend the stairwell. You drag yourself in. You take a gander over at the clock on your mantel. NOOOOOOOOOO! You’ve got to be at work in less than 20 minutes! However will you cleanse yourself of the stench of rotten food and burned flesh?!
How will you clean up in time?!
You collapse onto an ergonomically-correct armchair, realizing far too late that you severely reduced the resell value of your most expensive piece of furniture by covering it in whatever it was that is currently adhered to your pants and shirt. There’s no way you can show up for work like this. Not only that, but your boss told you that if you exceeded your vacation/sick day limit again, you’d be fired! Regretting your decision to fly out to Disneyland last week, you pull out today’s paper (which you swiped from your neighbors before you dragged yourself in, you slob). A glance through the classified section yields nothing. At least, nothing that would generate the income necessary for the standard of living to which you’ve become accustomed. The nadir hits. All seems lost. You’re ready to cut off one your own fingers just to come up with a legitimate medical excuse. Then... lightning strikes. You jerk your head around. Running on pure adrenaline, you pry open the medicine cabinet and pull out the only thing that can save your career: Skin-B-Gone Body Spray.
Good thing it works instantly!
Roboshrub Inc. operates under the motto “stuff happens”. Actually, it’s sort of a quasi-religious mantra around here. We even have a cult that routinely sacrifices underachieving employees to Facesso, the robot god of quality. So when our focus groups clamored for something that would get rid of bad odors, we took it to its logical extreme. Bad odor is caused by bacteria that live on human flesh, and in most fabrics. Therefore, the only way to eliminate odor is to destroy all matter capable of sustaining microbial life. It took countless years of half-disintegrated test subjects (mostly mice and men), but we finally created a marketable product. Apply the spray directly to skin. Side effects will include a violent and painful death.
How will you clean up in time?!
You collapse onto an ergonomically-correct armchair, realizing far too late that you severely reduced the resell value of your most expensive piece of furniture by covering it in whatever it was that is currently adhered to your pants and shirt. There’s no way you can show up for work like this. Not only that, but your boss told you that if you exceeded your vacation/sick day limit again, you’d be fired! Regretting your decision to fly out to Disneyland last week, you pull out today’s paper (which you swiped from your neighbors before you dragged yourself in, you slob). A glance through the classified section yields nothing. At least, nothing that would generate the income necessary for the standard of living to which you’ve become accustomed. The nadir hits. All seems lost. You’re ready to cut off one your own fingers just to come up with a legitimate medical excuse. Then... lightning strikes. You jerk your head around. Running on pure adrenaline, you pry open the medicine cabinet and pull out the only thing that can save your career: Skin-B-Gone Body Spray.
Good thing it works instantly!
Roboshrub Inc. operates under the motto “stuff happens”. Actually, it’s sort of a quasi-religious mantra around here. We even have a cult that routinely sacrifices underachieving employees to Facesso, the robot god of quality. So when our focus groups clamored for something that would get rid of bad odors, we took it to its logical extreme. Bad odor is caused by bacteria that live on human flesh, and in most fabrics. Therefore, the only way to eliminate odor is to destroy all matter capable of sustaining microbial life. It took countless years of half-disintegrated test subjects (mostly mice and men), but we finally created a marketable product. Apply the spray directly to skin. Side effects will include a violent and painful death.
Side effects only include a violent and painful death?? That beats the pants off of most prescription drugs on the market!Where can I sign up fro some????
It's been approved by the FDA for over the counter sale.
I would rather wear an invisibility cloak, than melt my skin off. Or, I think I would rather scrub floors than melt my skin off!
We tried invisibility in phase 1.
It didn't block the smell.
Converting your entire post into Gist, your spray removes skin.
I'd like to introduce the Taker of Gist, Roboshrub Incorporated's newest member. I hired him to turn all my belabored posts into Gist.
ok great. something else to kill me. wonderful!
I like this! I'll buy three bottles. Er, they're not for me, though, they're for a friend.
Oh, and a pack of ham-flavored bubblegum as well, please.
How did you find out about our ham-flavored bubble gum?! That's tomorrow's product!
Now I'll have to change the rotation...
Spray some on 'the taker of gist'
sheezzz, where did you come up w/that Annoying Character?
I found him wandering the streets of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. Blogless and alone, I crafted a mismash of avatarial remains for him, and gave him a home.
Then he stole my newspaper, so I burned his soul into cosmic dust.
Now all he can do is give you the gist of what you say.
I found out about the ham-flavored gum in the random gernerator blurb blurber.
Is it just ham? 'Cuz ham and cheese would be awesome!
Ham On Rye, Charles Bukowski. Great book.
So now everyone knows: the products being introduced this month are all in the random blurb blurber.
But with about 1200 random blurbs, you'll never find them all!
Bad moods are for rings. You're in a bad Anderson Cooper. He's a person, at least.