Product #3355-55a “Prosthetic Foreheads”

Mitch McConnell was a construction worker over at the east side docks. He worked the night shift, tunneling out the basement of the new seaport sky dome.

Mitch also liked to read the paper. Every day, Mitch would pick up a copy of the Times on his way back from work. He read it before he went to bed each morning, after his shift ended, and enjoyed laughing at the editorials he disagreed with. One day, an insert fell out of the Times. It was a coupon for a discounted yearlong subscription! Oh, how happy Mitch was to mail that insert in! Finally, he would have the paper delivered right to his front door, which would cut an extra 5 minutes off of his commute.

Now he can finally stop for hot dogs!

The paper arrived the next day. Mitch had just gotten home from work, and was about to unlock his front door when he heard the sound of a bicycle. Turning around, he waved as the paper boy grabbed a copy of the Times and chucked it right at him. Mitch ducked, but it was too late; for it had been the Sunday edition, and weighed nearly five pounds. Knocked off his feet, Mitch fell sideways over the railing and into a garbage can. His forehead was completely crushed.

It’s worth every cent.

That’s when Roboshrub Inc. stepped in. We needed a guinea pig test subject for our new experimental Prosthetic Foreheads, and Mitch was in desperate need of a way to prevent his brain from exiting his skull via the front. Twelve hours of surgery and voodoo later, Mr. McConnell’s forehead was restored to its pristine pre newspaper contact state. Following his miraculous and gradual recovery, Mitch McConnell went on to write his world-renowned memoir, “Overcoming Democracy in 12 Easy Steps.”

You can go back to leading a perfectly normal life.

What happened to Mr. McConnell isn’t that rare an occurrence. But while we can’t all avoid the foibles of life that lead to forehead trauma, we can at least (through Roboshrub Inc.’s body enhancement and replacement program) muddle through it with the best in artificial limbs and organs. Prosthetic Foreheads are made from 100% recycled materials, and (unlike our last model of prosthetic headgear) do not contain toxic elements or cause hallucinations of a mischievous Oompa Loompa. All Roboshrub Inc. Prosthetic Foreheads are flame retardant, but ironically burst into flame when exposed to water. Do not sit on your Prosthetic Forehead.