Product #0149-32f “Dry Wetsuit”

When we asked famed street artist and anti-ocean activist Nigel Stottlebottom to design our impermeable nautical fashion line, we expected not only a sound rejection, but several dead birds in the mail. What followed was a complete repudiation of Mr. Stottlebottom’s reputation as a crotchety old grouch, and a significant advancement in the field of wet gear anthropomorphology.

Anything short of a dead fish in the mail is a positive development.

Since the 1960s, there has been a market demand for a James Bond style action suit, able to keep the wearer safe from the chilling effects of sub-zero temperature water. Here at Roboshrub Incorporated, we believe that any idea that can generate revenue should be pursued to within a tolerance of .0001% of the total destruction of the Earth. To build such a fantastic and impossible product, we needed the best of the best. But the best of the best were too expensive. So next we tried the worst of the worst. But looking at the caliber of their work, we saw that they were inadequate to meet our qualitative needs. That’s when we turned to the worst of the best. Unfortunately, they didn’t exist due to a lack of metaphors involving them. So we turned to the best of the worst, Nigel Stottlebottom.

Our talent scouts know a winner when they see one.

Stottlebottom came into prominence in the early 1950s when he began his crusade against the oceans of the world. Having lost his entire family in a carnival cruise mishap, Nigel went on to found the Concerned Americans for the Abolishment of the Oceans (CAAO). In 1957, at the tender age of 30, he made his first foray into the world of children’s literature to promote his ideology. He authored a series of anti-ocean comic strips involving the adventures of ElectroBob, a character designed to relate to kids. In Stottlebottom’s first story, “Beneath the Tides,” an army of tidal waves with thick Austrian accents and machetes make their way ten miles inland, destroying all life in their path.

ElectroBob says: “Stay out of the murderous waters!”

Some called him a visionary. Others mocked his ridiculous fashion sense. We saw through his insanity, and realized that anyone who hated the oceans that much would obviously know how to protect themselves from the sub-arctic temperatures in the oceans’ vast depths. So once we got Stottlebottom on our payroll, we gave him the best materials to work with, but we set a strict time frame. We can’t have our competition coming out with the next super suit while we’re still in R & R, you know. Dry Wetsuits come with a fine-point titanium lining, which creates a static matter bubble to prevent leakage. Wear the Dry Wetsuit anywhere! It works for all occasions, and never needs to be cleaned.

The Dry Wetsuit, as modeled by creator Nigel Stottlebottom.

Each suit is personally inspected by Nigel Stottlebottom, and as per his working conditions agreement, we are required to inform you that “the oceans of the Earth are responsible for the countless deaths that have occurred over them (the oceans) for the last several centuries, at least. The oceans must be stopped at all costs.” Roboshrub Inc. does not endorse this view.