Product #9511-70a “Static State Stockings”

You’ve got big feet — admit it. And it’s hard to find the time to care for those feet right and proper, is it not? Are you constantly shuffling, trying to circulate blood through those podiatric pests? Do your footfalls get heavier over time, the stubby toes of your youth gorged to a pasty and callused husk as those sub-abdominal albatrosses fatten themselves?

“Just once,” I’m sure you say to yourself while on line at your local grocery store, “just once I’d like a cashier to tell me I have the feet of Baryshnikov.” Yet you’re willing to suffer your hooves because nobody has presented you with a viable option for long-term foot maintenance. Feet age and mutate. They adapt, growing like goldfish to meet their accommodations.

Wearing bigger shoes only exacerbates the situation. Larger socks blind the foot, but the resulting shrinkage in offset by sock costs. A certified doctor at the prestigious National Institute of Socketry recently released the results of a 2007 study confirming just that. Faced with such justified scientific pessimism, you might feel helpless. Yet, one must resist the urge to cover one’s ears and stare down angrily at one’s ever-enlarging feet. There is hope!

Our solution comes from a more controversial field of discovery. While researchers are still analyzing star charts and tiny light bulbs to determine how the universe started, a long-discredited theory underpins our newest product! “The universe is, always was, and ever shall be.” — this was the mantra that echoed the halls of higher thought until the better part of a century ago. Today we realize that this is obviously false, having asked God directly. However, the concept of persistence — of a universe unaffected by the passage of time — was so intriguing that one of our own staff managed to scrawl out a design of a product to achieve such an effect, shortly before the unfortunate soul was disemboweled by his future self.

Presenting the Static State Stockings: you put your feet in, and they cease to exist in our universe! “Cacklin’ cobras!” you’ll cry as these cotton coverings cup the corns of your chitinous clodhoppers, coupling creature comfort with cosmological conniving and careful, competent craftsmanship. What you’re feeling isn’t warm or cold; neither soft nor scratchy; there is no pinching, and no slack. You are on a plane beyond pedestrian clamminess, and your copilot is a lifetime warranty card.

Once the leg staples are permanently affixed, your lower extremities are forever shunted to a parallel reality where they, frozen in time, will no longer interfere with this season’s fashions. This will also increase blood flow to the face and hands, causing intense swelling and the growth of unicorn horns, which four of seven Minnesotan cattle masseuses agree is medically acceptable. You don’t have to take “no” for an answer — demand that your doctor stuff your stocking this year with a pair of Static State Stockings.

Static State Stockings contain 32% cotton, 4% nylon, 2.5% wool, and less than 1% copper. The remaining percentage is vacuum. WARNING: do not, under any circumstances, turn your Static State Stocking inside-out or throw them into the ocean. Roboshrub Incorporated is not responsible for Static State Stockings lost at public laundromats. Consult Steven Hawking before use.