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Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.

In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department

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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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Product #0149-32f “Dry Wetsuit”

When we asked famed street artist and anti-ocean activist Nigel Stottlebottom to design our impermeable nautical fashion line, we expected not only a sound rejection, but several dead birds in the mail. What followed was a complete repudiation of Mr. Stottlebottom’s reputation as a crotchety old grouch, and a significant advancement in the field of wet gear anthropomorphology.

Anything short of a dead fish in the mail is a positive development.

Since the 1960s, there has been a market demand for a James Bond style action suit, able to keep the wearer safe from the chilling effects of sub-zero temperature water. Here at Roboshrub Incorporated, we believe that any idea that can generate revenue should be pursued to within a tolerance of .0001% of the total destruction of the Earth. To build such a fantastic and impossible product, we needed the best of the best. But the best of the best were too expensive. So next we tried the worst of the worst. But looking at the caliber of their work, we saw that they were inadequate to meet our qualitative needs. That’s when we turned to the worst of the best. Unfortunately, they didn’t exist due to a lack of metaphors involving them. So we turned to the best of the worst, Nigel Stottlebottom.

Our talent scouts know a winner when they see one.

Stottlebottom came into prominence in the early 1950s when he began his crusade against the oceans of the world. Having lost his entire family in a carnival cruise mishap, Nigel went on to found the Concerned Americans for the Abolishment of the Oceans (CAAO). In 1957, at the tender age of 30, he made his first foray into the world of children’s literature to promote his ideology. He authored a series of anti-ocean comic strips involving the adventures of ElectroBob, a character designed to relate to kids. In Stottlebottom’s first story, “Beneath the Tides,” an army of tidal waves with thick Austrian accents and machetes make their way ten miles inland, destroying all life in their path.

ElectroBob says: “Stay out of the murderous waters!”

Some called him a visionary. Others mocked his ridiculous fashion sense. We saw through his insanity, and realized that anyone who hated the oceans that much would obviously know how to protect themselves from the sub-arctic temperatures in the oceans’ vast depths. So once we got Stottlebottom on our payroll, we gave him the best materials to work with, but we set a strict time frame. We can’t have our competition coming out with the next super suit while we’re still in R & R, you know. Dry Wetsuits come with a fine-point titanium lining, which creates a static matter bubble to prevent leakage. Wear the Dry Wetsuit anywhere! It works for all occasions, and never needs to be cleaned.

The Dry Wetsuit, as modeled by creator Nigel Stottlebottom.

Each suit is personally inspected by Nigel Stottlebottom, and as per his working conditions agreement, we are required to inform you that “the oceans of the Earth are responsible for the countless deaths that have occurred over them (the oceans) for the last several centuries, at least. The oceans must be stopped at all costs.” Roboshrub Inc. does not endorse this view.

Processing 21×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger LBseahag gesticulated...

Thank you for giving me the bedtime tinglies...

2/19/2006 7:23 AM  
Blogger ticharu gesticulated...

It looks like Strottlebottom's group has been pretty successful...

2/19/2006 9:26 AM  
Blogger Cabe gesticulated...

Looks like a James Bond villain.

2/19/2006 11:53 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Cabe, your avatar has changed to reflect your twin passions of judicial review and civil war paraphernalia.

And Stottlebottom's only been successful because of corporate backing.

2/19/2006 1:20 PM  
Blogger flatlander gesticulated...

It this a gavel I see before me? Or is it one of those percusive instruments filled with dried beans?

That reminds me; time to feed the jitterbugs!

2/19/2006 8:11 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

It must be a gavel, since Cabe is very political.

2/19/2006 8:36 PM  
Blogger Cabe gesticulated...

It is the gavel John Marshall used.

It has powers you don't even want to know about.

2/19/2006 8:53 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

I heard Marshall was disbarred for eating gavels.

2/19/2006 9:01 PM  
Blogger Bhakti gesticulated...

I agree with Nigel Stottlebottom (sp?)--if it weren't for the oceans, grown men couldn't get their kicks playing real life 'Battleship'. You go Nigel!!

Speaking of 'playing', I didn't know Cabe played the maracas! Cool!!! Shake 'em, baby!

2/19/2006 9:52 PM  
Blogger sabatkes gesticulated...

Ok, you cannot get any funnier!
Gavel envy. nice.

2/20/2006 1:31 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Stottlebottom's group, the CAAO, is planning to boycott stores selling sunscreen. They claim it encourages ocean useage.

2/20/2006 1:07 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

Not Strottlebottom, he's crazy! Crazy like a yak, I tells ya.

2/20/2006 5:04 PM  
Blogger Rick Anonymi gesticulated...

Your automobile is ready for melting, wise one.

2/20/2006 5:47 PM  
Blogger Phil gesticulated...

Rick Anonymi is a ripoff of Dick Tracy!

Yellow pants.

2/20/2006 10:24 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

What happened to RoboShrub?

Furthermore what happened to DestructoBob?

Oh...and did she get that thing I sent her?

2/20/2006 10:30 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Destructobob stopped blogging six months ago. As for Roboshrub, he called one of the products about two weeks ago, but has yet to write it up. I'm sure he'll get to it when he has the chance.

2/21/2006 8:37 AM  
Blogger Anifanatic gesticulated...

I don't drink water, fish have sex in it.

2/21/2006 1:19 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Ah, a Stottlebottom fan!

2/21/2006 1:49 PM  
Blogger Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO gesticulated...

I don't drink tea because it's made of leaf pee.

Anyways, I'll take one of those suits just so long as Strottlebottom isn't inspecting it while I'm in it.

Then again that might be fun.

2/21/2006 3:30 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Mr. Stottlebottom does not represent the views of Roboshrub Incorporated. His anti-ocean agenda is considered controversial at best, insane at worst. We don't believe in exposing young minds to his harsh anti-water rhetoric, but he sure knows how to make a waterproof suit.

2/21/2006 3:49 PM  
Blogger Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO gesticulated...

Well, my mind's not exactly young, but there are some other parts... woop!

I find myself trying not to giggle too loudly, lest my secretary think I'm having fun.

Have you seen the crazy stuff they've been posting? The Right-or-Wronginator seems to be deliberately targeted at me, I can't imagine why.


2/24/2006 11:43 AM