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Credits

Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.




In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department






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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

Print Logo

2.27.2006

Product #5338-54b “Permanent Paper Clip”

When Marion Earle called us in to solve her paranormal firm’s organizational issues, we scoffed, sneered, fleered, and flouted. A multinational twelve-tiered company like Roboshrub Inc. can’t just help other companies sort out their paperwork; we must be a leader in the field! As of 00:30:06:N on the 12th day of the previous month, the Zombietree Trust, our Antarctican branch, became the exclusive tester/consumer of the trademarked Permanent Paper Clip.


Marion Earle, the one-armed office manager/mermaid.

We’ve been searching for a fairly long time to showcase the exploits of the Zombietree Trust, and Marion’s specifically requested that her product be invented by the undead. So it was just a matter of getting an undead research team together and giving them clearly defined, yet vaguely threatening, instructions. There’s been a great deal of tension between the Roboshrub and the Zombietrees since the hostile takeover in 2004, but this joint venture allowed both sides to bury the hatchet.


The research team, led by my one-armed undead cousin.

And where that hatched landed, a new concept was born: the idea of “Zero Compression Space.” Postulated by long-zombified mathematician Bark Pineman, the theory states that the shortest distance between two points is always zero, since any two points in our space occupy the same position in another universe. By punching a hole through the very fabric of reality, our zombie team was able to bring office design to a whole new level.


“Manila folders go on this side of hole in space. Me want brains!”

The Permanent Paper Clip adheres to any solid surface. Upon placement, the clip will fold the space continuum onto itself, pocketing your most precious office documents in a parallel micro-universe, preventing all future access. Due to the temporal differences involved in the transition, do not use carbon paper or paper that has been exposed to liquid. For best results, do not attempt to use two Permanent Paper Clips on the same document.

Processing 20×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Yay! The Aqualicious Counter says there's been more than 4,000 visitors!

Of course, a thousand of those were probably me testing things. Urgh!

2/27/2006 9:48 PM  
Blogger flatlander gesticulated...

Hey, maybe your research team could help speed up my plan to cover the entire continent with liquid paper.

I think there's been a horrible mistake.

2/27/2006 10:09 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

The mistake is ours, I assure you.

2/27/2006 11:05 PM  
Blogger sabatkes gesticulated...

Office managers! Ughh!!!!! One pen! are you serious!!!!!!I swaer she'd give us a ration book if she could!!!!!

2/27/2006 11:33 PM  
Blogger Bhakti gesticulated...

Why can't I try to use two paper clips on the same document? What about three? One is the loneliest number, you know.

I once worked a photo lab that would only give us one pen a month. If we lost it, we had to bring in our own.

Jeez, talk about cheap.

Oh well. That never changed the price of tea in China, or the price of China at Walmart.

2/28/2006 12:03 AM  
Blogger Roger Moore gesticulated...

Wow, those would help keep our top secret ideas top secret.

2/28/2006 1:42 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Affixing more than one clip to a document could potentially shatter the fagile balance between dimensions. But go ahead anyway, since I've already purchased Armageddon insurance from The Adjuster.

2/28/2006 10:29 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

My cousin Janice tried this and lost her pinky toe. Do you guys see it anywhere? That's her special pinky toe, and I believe that she's threatening litigation.

2/28/2006 10:30 AM  
Blogger angel, jr. gesticulated...

What happens if it folds on your fingers. Or you know some 12 year old girl pretends they are fingernails (like my cousins use to do) and places them on the ends of their fingers?

2/28/2006 12:00 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Pinky toes were made to be litigated.

If the Permanent Paper Clip is placed precariously on the tips of one's fingers, said clipper is folded into a space pocket. Not the most pleasant place in the universe, but it still beats getting thrown out of a plane by your own grandfather while humming a civil war tune.

2/28/2006 12:05 PM  
Blogger ticharu gesticulated...

I'm scared... hold me.

2/28/2006 1:23 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

That’s what food is for. Speaking of which, Roboshrub will soon unveil his latest creation...

eventually.

2/28/2006 3:53 PM  
Blogger Private Hudson gesticulated...

Is there some sort of way that this could be used as a weapon? There's a planet full of bugs that I wouldn't mind dropping this on.

2/28/2006 4:34 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

The treaty we agreed to with the Romulans prohibits the use of Permanent Paper Clips for military application.

But then again, intergalactic treaties were made to be broken.

2/28/2006 7:03 PM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

Jiminy H. Crispys!!! I did not understand a word of that post, BUT, the pictures are great!

What's this 4,000 visitors thing? I'd better go check it out.

2/28/2006 7:45 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

I was saying that the counter had reached over 4,000.

These pictures were never meant for mortal eyes, but since everyone has seen them, I must repostulate.

2/28/2006 7:51 PM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

I can not find your 'user stats' so aparently(sp) you can't verify the 4,000.

HA HA HA HA!!!

2/28/2006 7:55 PM  
Blogger GrasshopperBoy gesticulated...

i used on of ur clips and now my dog is stuck in limbo.... :(

3/01/2006 7:45 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Dogs are made to be paper clipped.

3/01/2006 8:38 AM  
Blogger Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO gesticulated...

My staff frequently needs clearly defined, yet vaguely threatening, instructions. In fact, I should really get to beating them over the heads with that umbrella thingie, because ... oh, just because.

Anyways, I think I would like to try sticking a couple of those clips on my head and seeing what happened.

3/01/2006 11:31 AM