So are you an evil person? Done things that'd make Stalin cry? Are you a former mouseketeer? Relax, friend! Absolution is here! I'm Miio Moythiim, and I sell souls. Down at Miio's, you can trade in your tattered old soul for one of equal or greater value! I started this business in 1994 to help my friend Mike out of a tax jam, but now we're New York's #1 organic soul-processing and recycling center. Our trained staff works thousands of hours each week, carefully draining the ENA out of our customers' souls. This ENA is then recycled into its harmless base components and sent to Chicago for proper disposal.
But if you don't want your soul cleaned, or if your soul was lost, stolen, or exploded, we can hook you up with a new one. Here at Miio's, we make our souls the old-fashioned way. None of that assembly line nonsense. Our team of soulCrafters uses the very best in spectral biotechnology to generate a sparkling new soul about once every three hours, so supplies are limited. We sell on a strictly “first come, first serve” basis, and confidentiality is our number two priority. Our number one priority is quality. And it shows.
Miio's is also the exclusive supplier of the SoulGuard 3000, the SoulKeeper, and ENA-b-Gone. For those of you concerned that either a person or deity will separate you from your beloved soul, the SoulGuard 3000 is what you're looking for. Unlike its predecessor, the 3000 model is equipped to handle the stresses of temporal distortion, which is good news for our customers who like to time travel. It operates on the “pickle jar” principle, preventing would-be bandits from extracting your soul from within its confines. The SoulGuard 3000 uses a DNA tracking system, so only the true owner of the safeguarded soul is able to remove it.
The SoulKeeper is much less expensive than the SoulGuard 3000. Unlike the 3000, the SoulKeeper forces you to keep your soul with you until it (the SoulKeeper) is removed. This can hinder the wearer from adequately performing soulless activities, or at least add to the buildup of ENA in the user's soul. But if spirit theft is your primary motive, the SoulKeeper is perfect for your daily needs. It comes highly recommended from a blue-ribbon panel of supernatural theft-prevention experts. ENA-b-Gone, however, is just meant as a temporary solution. If you are in fact evil, you should trade in your current soul completely. Overuse of ENA-b-Gone results in hair loss and powerful hallucinations of Friedrich Nietzsche.
With almost two dozen scenic locations throughout the tri-state area, you'll never be left high and dry. Call today- remember, supplies are limited. For further information regarding the SoulKeeper, the SoulGuard 3000, and ENA-b-Gone, contact our customer relations office. If you would like to know more about ENA testing, visit your local library. Miio's is not responsible for evil deeds incurred by our customers. Extended warranties are available.