Many people do things they later regret. Some of those regrettable acts congeal, forming a dense canker on the soul. This is known as “life,” but some people take it even further. When the strong sense of morality inherent in society interacts with said regretted actions, they produce what scientists term “Evil Neuronal Additives,” or ENA for short. The ENA breakthroughs of the 1980s have shown that each human has a slightly different ENA makeup. By being able to detect which people have abnormally high concentrations of ENA, law enforcement officers the world over have been able to apprehend a multitude of criminals for a plethora of heinous crimes.
So are you an evil person? Done things that'd make Stalin cry? Are you a former mouseketeer? Relax, friend! Absolution is here! I'm Miio Moythiim, and I sell souls. Down at Miio's, you can trade in your tattered old soul for one of equal or greater value! I started this business in 1994 to help my friend Mike out of a tax jam, but now we're New York's #1 organic soul-processing and recycling center. Our trained staff works thousands of hours each week, carefully draining the ENA out of our customers' souls. This ENA is then recycled into its harmless base components and sent to Chicago for proper disposal.
But if you don't want your soul cleaned, or if your soul was lost, stolen, or exploded, we can hook you up with a new one. Here at Miio's, we make our souls the old-fashioned way. None of that assembly line nonsense. Our team of soulCrafters uses the very best in spectral biotechnology to generate a sparkling new soul about once every three hours, so supplies are limited. We sell on a strictly “first come, first serve” basis, and confidentiality is our number two priority. Our number one priority is quality. And it shows.
Miio's is also the exclusive supplier of the SoulGuard 3000, the SoulKeeper, and ENA-b-Gone. For those of you concerned that either a person or deity will separate you from your beloved soul, the SoulGuard 3000 is what you're looking for. Unlike its predecessor, the 3000 model is equipped to handle the stresses of temporal distortion, which is good news for our customers who like to time travel. It operates on the “pickle jar” principle, preventing would-be bandits from extracting your soul from within its confines. The SoulGuard 3000 uses a DNA tracking system, so only the true owner of the safeguarded soul is able to remove it.
The SoulKeeper is much less expensive than the SoulGuard 3000. Unlike the 3000, the SoulKeeper forces you to keep your soul with you until it (the SoulKeeper) is removed. This can hinder the wearer from adequately performing soulless activities, or at least add to the buildup of ENA in the user's soul. But if spirit theft is your primary motive, the SoulKeeper is perfect for your daily needs. It comes highly recommended from a blue-ribbon panel of supernatural theft-prevention experts. ENA-b-Gone, however, is just meant as a temporary solution. If you are in fact evil, you should trade in your current soul completely. Overuse of ENA-b-Gone results in hair loss and powerful hallucinations of Friedrich Nietzsche.
With almost two dozen scenic locations throughout the tri-state area, you'll never be left high and dry. Call today- remember, supplies are limited. For further information regarding the SoulKeeper, the SoulGuard 3000, and ENA-b-Gone, contact our customer relations office. If you would like to know more about ENA testing, visit your local library. Miio's is not responsible for evil deeds incurred by our customers. Extended warranties are available.
So are you an evil person? Done things that'd make Stalin cry? Are you a former mouseketeer? Relax, friend! Absolution is here! I'm Miio Moythiim, and I sell souls. Down at Miio's, you can trade in your tattered old soul for one of equal or greater value! I started this business in 1994 to help my friend Mike out of a tax jam, but now we're New York's #1 organic soul-processing and recycling center. Our trained staff works thousands of hours each week, carefully draining the ENA out of our customers' souls. This ENA is then recycled into its harmless base components and sent to Chicago for proper disposal.
But if you don't want your soul cleaned, or if your soul was lost, stolen, or exploded, we can hook you up with a new one. Here at Miio's, we make our souls the old-fashioned way. None of that assembly line nonsense. Our team of soulCrafters uses the very best in spectral biotechnology to generate a sparkling new soul about once every three hours, so supplies are limited. We sell on a strictly “first come, first serve” basis, and confidentiality is our number two priority. Our number one priority is quality. And it shows.
Miio's is also the exclusive supplier of the SoulGuard 3000, the SoulKeeper, and ENA-b-Gone. For those of you concerned that either a person or deity will separate you from your beloved soul, the SoulGuard 3000 is what you're looking for. Unlike its predecessor, the 3000 model is equipped to handle the stresses of temporal distortion, which is good news for our customers who like to time travel. It operates on the “pickle jar” principle, preventing would-be bandits from extracting your soul from within its confines. The SoulGuard 3000 uses a DNA tracking system, so only the true owner of the safeguarded soul is able to remove it.
The SoulKeeper is much less expensive than the SoulGuard 3000. Unlike the 3000, the SoulKeeper forces you to keep your soul with you until it (the SoulKeeper) is removed. This can hinder the wearer from adequately performing soulless activities, or at least add to the buildup of ENA in the user's soul. But if spirit theft is your primary motive, the SoulKeeper is perfect for your daily needs. It comes highly recommended from a blue-ribbon panel of supernatural theft-prevention experts. ENA-b-Gone, however, is just meant as a temporary solution. If you are in fact evil, you should trade in your current soul completely. Overuse of ENA-b-Gone results in hair loss and powerful hallucinations of Friedrich Nietzsche.
With almost two dozen scenic locations throughout the tri-state area, you'll never be left high and dry. Call today- remember, supplies are limited. For further information regarding the SoulKeeper, the SoulGuard 3000, and ENA-b-Gone, contact our customer relations office. If you would like to know more about ENA testing, visit your local library. Miio's is not responsible for evil deeds incurred by our customers. Extended warranties are available.
Don't let this happen to you! Visit Miio's today!
Great satire.
Do you think one of your re-tread souls will be of help next time the cops hassle me? Can i get a bumper-sticker w/it saying my soul has been cleaned by, 'Miio's' ?
I come to your blog for some 'happy time'. & am always delighted w/your robotic humor.
CHOW!
I had no idea that was you dog. I sell bongs. Can we make some sort of a deal?
l>t: just wait until tomorrow's post ;)
Calzone: Miio's is a tax exempt institute. I hear they accept all forms of currency and barter, but their products are shipped in from a parallel universe. That takes years.
Bob Dole: According the the sales rep. I spoke with, it would be entirely possible for someone who sold their soul to buy a new one. But the background checks are extensive.
I want only the best, money is no object!
We've all got a little ENA on the soul.
I'll be damned! I had the same idea in 94 but did was not proactive and have missed the boat again. Good for ya and no hard feelings. JW
I think you need to fix Lou Reed up with Bob Dole, you seem like you would be a good matchmaker...Just a thought.
Thinking is what we're all about here at Roboshrub Inc.
What if my soul is in really good condition, but I'm low on cash. Can I pawn it?
Miio's accepts souls in exchange for currency. However, Miio's cannot be held liable for soulless evils you take after selling said soul.
My sister used to listen to a lot of Enya when we were kids, and as a result I have an unusual build up of Enya in my hypothalumus.
Music critics are divided as to whether this might pose a threat to my soul.
Does Miio have andvice to offer?
Miio says:
"Only eXtreme Rock can add to the buildup of ENA particles in the soul."
12 11 05
EXCELLENT Article Gyrobo!!! I think it relates to the post Cabe did where you told me I commodified the human soul. Whoa, it sounds so bad and it is, but I would NEVER sell my soul, although, of course have been known to do so. I suppose on the free market, anything goes! ICK, the very thought of trading in the soul GOD gave you is disturbing. Yet, who knows what is possible with technology, maybe they will use it on inmates or something! LOL! Good post!
I actually came up with the idea for a used soul lot a while ago. I didn't know it would become a multinational industry.