Dragons? You’re Not Zoned for That!

A building inspector barges in, carelessly knocking over a coat rack as he pulls out an eviction notice. “Why?!?” I cry as he nails a letter of condemnation on my front door. “Because,” he snarls angrily, “you were warned by the Town Board for three weeks to remove that dragon from your yard. You were finally ordered by the county court to remove the dragon, but still didn’t. Now, you’re in a whole heap o’ trouble.” I fell against my now-condemned house and looked on as animal control tranquilized my dragon and took it away.

You know, many people would jump at the chance to own a dragon. I initially wanted the money. It is a commonly known fact that dragons are tied to the element Au, or “gold” in the “new English”. This bond enabled dragons of times past to collect tons of gold in their secret caves. This gold was then used to influence the political processes of the kingdoms of the day. The dragon lobby was very successful in getting less experienced knights appointed. Dragons are also widely regarded as geniuses who can solve any problem, which could come in handy at any time. If I had a dragon, I could easily give it all my homework, and therefore have more time to do nothing. But without a doubt, the best reason for owning a dragon is this: after they “die”, you have a lifetime supply of dragon burgers! It is a well-known fact that dragons are made from the tastiest of meats, and since they are on the endangered species list, some people would pay an exorbitant amount of money to eat but one bite. All in all, there are these and many other unspecific reasons to buy a dragon. However, once you see why it’s wrong to own a dragon, this rationale will break down in your mind.

While it may be fun to have a dragon around the house, there is something nobody thinks about- who will clean up after it? Dragons are huge creatures, and produce a lot of waste. Not only that, but they are covered with scales. What happens when those scales start to fall off?!? Someone has to keep the floors clean, but dragons don’t care! They fly back and forth all day, and when the sun sets all you have is a floor that stinks, and a horde of angry neighbors. Dragons also breathe fire, and they are likely to destroy everything in their paths, including bird baths and lawn gnomes. Not only do you have to clean up your house, but you have to pay the neighbors not to go to the cops. You call that pet ownership? I call it annoying!

For years the government has been covering things up. Nobody knew about the Navaho code talkers of World War II until years after the war ended! Still unknown are the number of UFOs in captivity. If the government can’t even acknowledge its involvement in the Kennedy assassination, then what do you think it’ll do when it finds a dragon in your house? Within three minutes of hearing the news, your front lawn will be covered with special ops agents. You will be interrogated, and sent to prison. The dragon will then be sent to a medical lab and experimented on for decades, until the government manages to clone it. Then the dragon clones will rebel against their human masters, and the Earth will be destroyed. The only way to prevent this unlikely future is to not own a dragon.

There remains the issue of trust. When all the fancy gloss has been burned away, it boils down to the simple question “Can you trust a dragon?” In the movie Aliens vs. Predator, the only way for humanity to survive was to help the Predator in its fight with the Aliens. Was this a wise decision? What will be the ultimate result of that choice?!? The decision may have been faulty, but the principle is sound. But why side with a dragon when we have no known natural enemies? In Aliens vs. Predator our enemies were the Aliens, and so there was no real choice but to side with the Predator. We aren’t being attacked by anyone stronger than us. So why put our trust in an ancient and mysterious beast? Dragons have existed for millions of years. They’re survivors. And the minute you do something they find threatening, they will devour you and everyone you’ve ever known. There have been cases wherein the dragon actually forces its human master to do algebra and trigonometry for hours on end. This constant threat of mathematics posed by the dragons is completely intolerable. Perhaps this is why dragon ownership is illegal in all fifty states and the District of Columbia.

To bring this rambling essay to its natural conclusion, I restate my poorly illustrated argument: Dragons are giant waste machines that will kill you before you hit the ground. They may have some good points, such as flying you to work every day. Oh! That would be so cool, I could laugh at the people in their cars in heavy traffic. I could be all like, “Hey, look at me! I’m flying and you’re in traffic!”, and they would be all, like, “I hate you!” But that’s just a pipe dream, pipes that lead to the sewer of ignorance and despair. The truth is that even if you found a dragon trustworthy enough to keep, the government would find out. That’s what happened to me, and now I’m in a lot of trouble. My property taxes skyrocketed, my insurance was canceled, and I keep getting phone calls from the FBI every night. All because I wanted to own a dragon.