Bush Mutates Into Alien, Freaks Out Diplomats

The United Nations erupted into chaos this Monday as President George Bush mutated into a strange alien creature. While the white house staff is still baffled as to how this was accomplished, geneticists have determined that the President’s core genome has been affected by the transformation. The base pair sequences have been completely rewritten so as to induce physical changes, such as a great increase in brain size and neuronal complexity. “This kind of genetic manipulation is just beyond our means,” reported the President’s Chief of Staff. “Of course the President has been relieved of duty, and we are now running tests on the Vice President, Secretary of State, and several other high-level officials to rule out the possibility of mutating genetic markers.”

President Bush had just finished giving a speech calling for an embargo against Canada for its alleged involvement in the theft of weapons grade plutonium from an unguarded United States military base seven miles from the Canadian border, when suddenly and without warning, his skin began to ripple and expand. It was a scene out of the Matrix, his eyes bugging out and an audible “yelping” sound coursing through his mutating countenance. Most of the delegates reacted to this by screaming, crying, and running for the nearest exit. Several stayed in their seats, believing that this was some kind of prank.

When asked how Mr. Bush is feeling, several top presidential aides report that he is “fine, but still a mutant alien.” The genetic mutations haven’t caused any physical duress, but President Bush is now said to “hear voices” instructing him to build a giant satellite transmitter, and to broadcast a sine wave pulse at Proxima Centauri. Details are sketchy, but doctors admit that the mutation was triggered by a virus, seemingly of extraterrestrial origin. The virus has been dubbed “W-391” and is currently being studied at the Holdings Genetic Institute of Illinois. A preliminary report shows that instead of Adenine, Thymine, Cytosine, and Guanine, the base pair sequence of W-391 is composed of 27 silicon-based and one fluorine-based nucleotides.

Thus far, no other infections of W-391 have been found in any of the President’s staff. As Acting President, Dick Cheney held a press briefing in which he described the President as being in “stable but critical condition.”

“As my good friend Donald Rumsfeld likes to say, there are ‘knowns’ and there are ‘unknowns’. What we know is that President Bush was infected with an alien virus. That’s a ‘known known.’ But then, we don’t know how he got infected, but we know he got infected, so that’s an ‘unknown known.’ We also don’t know where the virus came from or if the President will change back, so we’ve got our ‘unknown unknown’ right there. But what we do know is that the President’s plan to build a transmitter and send a sine pulse to Proxima Centauri is something we must do, but we don’t know why, so that’s what we call a ‘known unknown.’ I hope that cleared up any questions you might have.”