Toaster Accident Disfigures Vice President, Bestows Super Powers

The political world was thrown into upheaval this morning when the White House chief of staff reported that Dick Cheney has gained “mysterious yet awesome” super powers. “Apparently, a few interns were trying to make themselves some toast- using a government owned toaster,” said Scott McClellan. “All government property contains special microchips to detect unauthorized use. When the toaster detected the interns, it's self-destruct sequence was triggered. It then exploded, killing the interns and spewing a chunk of radioactive toast at the Vice President.” After being examined at a medical facility in Texas, it was determined by several anonymous doctors that not only would the Vice President need robotic limbs to replace those lost to radiation poisoning, but that a piece of toast was forever lodged in his brain. The toast seems to have altered Dick Cheney's metabolism, causing him to instantly convert any form of matter into bread-like structures. He can also now bend steel into little pretzel shapes, and as his wife reports, “he smells like a bakery”. Asked if he would make a full recovery Mr. McClellan replied, “Yes, we believe that he should be able to resume whatever it is he does around here in a matter of months.”