The Day the Scones Fought Back- Chapter 1

Shadows of the Past

Whereas the first party shall agree to give unanimous consent until the fourth...

“Argh! I can't follow this drivel!” shouted Senator Ninja as he tearfully knocked the pile of papers from his desk. The poor man had tried once again (unsuccessfully) to decipher what was aptly named S.R. 8723. Senator Ninja's power to quickly understand complex legal documents had been one of the main planks of his election campaign- as a matter of fact, it was the main plank. But now, for the first time in many, many years, the good Senator had reached an impasse. “Hey! Kitty! Get over here! I need some... advice.” shouted Senator Ninja at the closest politician he could see.

“I told you not to call me that again,” said Senator Bond in his Missourian drawl. “In fact, I told you never to speak to me again. Not after-”

“I remember, I remember... But that was a long time ago, Kit. Now, what can you tell me about S.R. 8723?”

“Nothing much. I took one look at that thing and handed it to one of my aides. I mean, come on. The thing's gotta be a thousand pages. He read the thing and told me all about it.”

“Well, what did your aide say about it?” said Senator Ninja, his interest clearly piqued at the thought of some lowly aide being able to translate the behemoth when he could not. Clearly, this aide's powers were formidable.

“Well... I was told that it was a routine appropriations bill and that everything seemed to be in order.”

“Who is this aide that possesses powers of equal or greater value to me?!? We shall duel on the fields of honor! Tell me, Kit!”

“This is why I didn't want to tell you. You always do this,” said Senator Bond as he turned around to go back to his office, leaving Senator Ninja to contemplate his newest rival.

***

Something's wrong... thought Senator Ninja as he suddenly lifted his head up from his work. He had been trying to understand more about S.R. 8723 for several hours and had gotten nowhere. After listening to Senator Levin, he had been convinced the resolution was for agriculture provisions. But then Senator Pryor had told him it was for Medicaid reform. And Specter said it was for stem cell research! Apparently, every Senator had a different idea of what this bill was- and all of them had been advised by a nondescript aide with amazing analytical abilities.

“Aaaaaahhhh!” came a blood-curdling scream from the one of the conference rooms. Realizing he was probably the only Senator left in the building at the time (and also a superhero), Senator Ninja sprang into action.

“Hold it right-”

Stopping in the middle of his heroic banter, Senator Ninja glanced around and realized there was nothing he could do. With a mournful cry, he knelt down next to what was left of Senator Bond.

“Who did this?!?” shrieked Senator Ninja as he held onto Kit.

“S... sc...” stammered Kit.

“What is it, old friend?”

“Sc... sc... scone... uhhhh.”

And then Kit was silent.