James Garfield Returns from Dead, Becomes GOP Frontrunner for 2008

After completing a ground-breaking report on the true causes of war in the Middle East, the C.I.A. has managed to reanimate former president James A. Garfield. When asked why, an anonymous agent replied that the intent was to revive Abraham Lincoln, so that the location of his secret gold deposit could finally be uncovered. “We were deliberately misled,” said the agent. “The ghost of James G. Blaine, who was James Garfield's Secretary of State, interfaced with the temporal matrix and generated bad vibes. This caused James Garfield to return to life.”

James Garfield, as many people know, was the 20^th president of the United States. He was the second to be assassinated in office, and the first ambidextrous president. His first and only term was about five months, yet he still remains one of the most beloved presidents in American history (not as beloved as Millard Fillmore). It all started one cold morning on July 2, 1881. Charles Guiteau, a Republican Stalwart (the evolutionary precursor of today's disgruntled worker) sneaked up behind him and... Blam! Of course, it took Garfield over two months to die from his wounds, and it is strongly believed today that incompetent doctors were partly, if not mostly, responsible. “If I could do it again, I would probably have run away faster,” remarked the ghost of Charles Guiteau, who was executed in 1882.

After being revived, the first thing James Garfield did was request a bottle of Faricum and then inquired as to where he was. Finding he had been dead for over 120 years, Garfield realized that despite all his family and friends being long dead, he was perfectly content to live in a world so abundant in 21^st century instant pudding. But still, the call of politics beaconed. Thinking about how his dream job had been snatched away so early in his term, Garfield wrote an angry letter demanding the presidency be relinquished to him immediately. Unfortunately for him, this demand was flat-out rejected by President Bush, who remarked, “It'll be a cold day at my ranch before I turn the country over to that lasagna-eating cat!”

Deciding not to push the matter, Garfield accepted defeat in his bid to reclaim the presidency. However, he still hasn't ruled out a run for president in the future. Already the media pundits have picked him as a possible front-runner in the 2008 GOP primaries. It is believed he has serious inroads with value voters, as he claims to have “met God and really kicked it off. In fact, we went camping several times. God really loves s'mores.”

You just might be seeing this on bumper stickers in three and a half years: “Garfield-McCain '08”