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Credits

Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.




In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department






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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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3.29.2006

Product #8123-57r “Paperless Paper Trail”

Why does it seem that every time you try and embezzle from a multinational corporation, the feds seem to have such a strong case against you? Poor parenting? Failure to pay off those student loans? No, despite what you may think, the majority of embezzlers and crooked politicians are caught because they don’t have time to adequately cover their tracks. Roboshrub Inc. realizes that some of our clientèle may need to conduct transactions that many would find unsavory and downright wrong. That’s why the need arose to protect our customers from invasive governmental activity via our newest innovation, the Paperless Paper Trail. The story behind the Paperless Paper Trail is a trailblazing epic, peppered with plot holes of adventure.


Do you really want the government to know what movies you see?

We’ve all heard the motivational speakers and futurologists looking forward, talking about the paperless office. “A paperless office will make employees more productive,” they say. You know what we say? It’s all a pack of lies, a distortion to hide the truth from the general public. The truth of the matter is that the paperless office was never a feasible idea. There were too many complicated factors. For example, in one early experiment a paperless printer merged with a scanner, creating the world’s first all-in-one machine. By adding Java source code, it grew opposable thumbs and won two Grammies, as well as an Oscar for its role as Jammed Printer #2 in the underground hit, “Office Space.”


It even did its own stunts. How many actors can say that?

Years of stagnation and underfunding doomed the paperless office, but we knew a diamond in the ruff when we saw one. Our customers demanded privacy of the sharpest degree, the highest caliber, the roast beef sandwich. And to that end, we devoted the full resources available to us at the time: a wing and a prayer. Using these two components, Roboshrub Incorporated has managed to compress a bubble of pocket space, similar to the zero-point model pioneered by Product #5338-54b (Permanent Paper Clip). No matter what information you need to keep out of human hands, you will be secure in the knowledge that you’re using a Roboshrub Inc. quality product, designed with your needs in mind. Refunds are guaranteed since we keep extensive records about who purchased this product and why it was purchased, as well as the customer’s psych evaluation and shoe size. Not for indoor use.

Processing 33×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger flatlander gesticulated...

I don't understand. Will it make the painful memories go away?

3/29/2006 8:47 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

I don't remember.

3/29/2006 8:54 PM  
Blogger The Taker of Gist gesticulated...

I do not need your primitive track-coverer. The Gist has sufficed for thousands of years, and will continue to suffice far after the sun expends all its nuclear fuel. I know this because I've been there, man. I've walked on the sun after the lights went out. I know. I know things, man. Scary things.

3/29/2006 9:07 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...



I visited Jabba the Gist. He was not pleased. Not at all.

3/29/2006 9:53 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

I didn't think he'd be. He owes me a thousand British pounds. And a metric tonne of scrap metal.

3/29/2006 9:54 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

Can I put my manager in there? I'd let him out after a couple hours.

3/30/2006 6:33 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

You can't put people inside the pocket space. The Paperless Paper Trail can only store paper-based evidence. The Permanent Paper Clip, however, can store any type of matter.

3/30/2006 10:10 AM  
Blogger ticharu gesticulated...

The evidence should be rolled into small paper tubes and ignited by inhaling on one end whilst applying flame to the other!

3/30/2006 10:12 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

That's how some of our best ideas came to fruition.

3/30/2006 10:12 AM  
Blogger unregistered text offender gesticulated...

How do you come up with this stuff?

3/30/2006 11:02 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Under the cover of darkness, that's how.

3/30/2006 11:07 AM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

Technology is frightning. I need protection.
Roboshrub Inc. Well, that seems O.K.???? I mean our best interest at heart & all that. O.K. I can believe that.
Esp. if Mel (Defender of the Faith) Gibson is involved.!

3/30/2006 11:26 AM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

P.S. I found ticharu's comment Incredibully funny.

For some reason reading this post I keep thinking of the Teen-age mutant Ninja turtles character, 'Shredder' as a paper shredder.

3/30/2006 11:34 AM  
Blogger R2K gesticulated...

You are my oldest and best blog viewer, and your blog is brilliant!

Thank you sir. Thank you. T.H.A.N.K. Y.O.U.

3/30/2006 11:52 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Shredder is dandy, but quicker is slicker.

I am an ancient being, known for my greatness. Not chronologically or physically, but old nonetheless.

In a metaphysical way.

3/30/2006 12:31 PM  
Blogger Salbert gesticulated...

Now about the roast beef sandwich, is it a Subway sub with six grams of fat or less?

3/30/2006 8:18 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

We can't reveal that information, as it was contained within the Paperless Paper Trail.

See how good it works?!

Now to save the day- with rockets!

3/30/2006 8:38 PM  
Blogger Rusty gesticulated...

Ladies' 5 and a half medium

3/30/2006 9:03 PM  
Blogger jungle jane gesticulated...

No time to comment. I am busy filing a false tax return.

3/30/2006 11:49 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

But tax returns true!

Unless you specify return false;

That's the key to all JavaScript code.

3/31/2006 1:03 PM  
Blogger OneStar gesticulated...

Argh! The data involving Roboshrub Inc.'s latest development is missing! It was undoubtably a secret weapon of incredible power, and now I cannot find it!

CURSE YOU, GYROBO!

3/31/2006 6:55 PM  
Blogger The Taker of Gist gesticulated...

Oh, no, you di'n't!

Oooh, he just went there!

3/31/2006 7:45 PM  
Blogger Phil gesticulated...



Ha-ha!
Return false?


The world is ending!

3/31/2006 7:52 PM  
Blogger Da Katz & Reni gesticulated...

Did da world go bye bye?
^..^

3/31/2006 9:45 PM  
Blogger Da Katz & Reni gesticulated...

I dont knoh what da world iz mommie sayz itz biggur den franz n i dont knoh how big dat iz neethur

i wanna knoh if da papurless trail haz a tail to play wif?

or if yah can crumple it up and maek it fall down stehrz?

bye bye

3/31/2006 9:47 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann gesticulated...

Theoretically there is absolutely no need for a printer in a paperless office! Am I right?

However, we all know that completely paperless is not paperless. How much paper does it take to become a paperless paper place? Say that five times really fast! ;)

4/01/2006 1:45 AM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

Hey, The taker of gist looks like a molar.

i felt that was important anuff to navigate the @@#%%^^%& word verification

4/01/2006 2:09 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Of course there's no need for a printer in a paperless office!

That's why he went into acting.

4/01/2006 8:39 AM  
Blogger Christophe gesticulated...

Robots are so provincial

4/01/2006 3:02 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Provincial... or proverbial?!

4/01/2006 3:03 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...



Metapirate,

I believe we have something of yours...

*opens briefcase*

We will need 15,000 of your men.
That is all.

4/01/2006 4:23 PM  
Blogger SafeTinspector gesticulated...

I'll take three.

4/01/2006 5:53 PM  
Blogger Metapirate gesticulated...

Yarrrrr... I can on'y spare a third o' that...

But fer you I'll makes an exception.

4/01/2006 6:40 PM