Product #0014-85c “Baseball Fever Vaccine”

Did you catch it? Baseball Fever, that is. Many people suffer from Baseball Fever, which is actually a misnomer. The correct term is “Hyper-Fanatical Sport Spectator Syndrome” (HFSSS), and is caused not by exposure to the sport of Baseball, but to the fire mites that live inside each baseball. This infestation has in recent years claimed the lives of several thousand people across the eastern seaboard. During the last world series, the entire city of Boston nearly succumbed to Baseball fever. A cure has been long sought so as to prevent the spread of fire mites, believed to also be responsible for the decline in Baseball viewership.

Don’t blame massive steroid abuse, blame fire mites!

Thanks to various breakthroughs by our subsidiary aquatic components, a way to douse the fire mites and cure what servicemen in World War I dubbed “The Shining” has been found. Through a complex series of binary circuits and pressurized capillary systems, we have divined a way to suppress the physiological effects of full-blown HFSSS. This would not be possible without Dr. Karen Lawrell’s groundbreaking thesis, “The Watercooler Effect.” We know now, thanks to Dr. Lawrell, that every time water is released from a watercooler, the air reverberates, flaying fire mites onto an unsuspecting baseball skeptic half a world away.

We’ve known for years of the mutagenic properties of water coolers.

With the miracle advent of the Baseball Fever Vaccine, we can now observe the fire mites in their natural habitat, the verdant forests of southern Borneo, without running the risk of infection. This will allow us to devise a more permanent solution to the chronic outbreaks of Baseball Fever, hopefully before it results in more deaths. Do not apply the Baseball Fever Vaccine if you have already been inoculated. Keep out of reach of umpires.