Sophocles’ Wastebin

The following is an electronic copy of an original draft (believed to be) written by Sophocles himself prior to the completion of Antigone. It was recovered from the ruins of an ancient Greek ziggurat.

It was, like, night. The horrible battle was totally over. Polyneices and Eteocles were brothers and used to, like, love each other, because, duh, they were brothers. But then their dad, Oedipus, was, like, killed or something. And then the whole kingdom of Thebes was given to Eteocles. But he was, like, the younger one. And that made Polyneices go crazy, and he attacked his own kingdom. Which brings us back to what I done already explained. The huge battle. In it (the battle), the two brother killed each other. I guess it was like in Star Wars where Darth Vader throws the Emperor off that ledge thing and then eventually dies. Yeah, that’s right. I knew about Star Wars over 2,000 years before it was filmed. Wanna fight about it? I thought not. Anyway, the whole Star Wars thing was my idea. It was all in one of my long lost plays that George Lucas found in the 70s. He also stole the idea for Indiana Jones from me, too. Thief.

But the main thing is, I was, like, talking about right after the battle. Yeah, where the brothers killed each other. It was brutal. In those days, I mean today, we ancient Greeks have very primitive weaponry. War is crazy back now. Yeah. So anyway, it’s night, it’s dark out, and Antigone and her sister Ismene meet. Now, this wouldn’t be so bad... but they’re also the sisters of Polyneices and Eteocles. See, there’s gonna be a problem right there. According to our ancient Greek traditions, a dead body needs to, like, be buried, or we’ll be, uh, totally doomed to forever walk the Earth. Yeah.

Unfortunately, Creon (who is king) decreed that no one can bury Polyneices, since he attacked his own city-state of Thebes. Then again, Eteocles and Polyneices were the true royal family, even though their father is also their step-grampa. Creepy family. But still, Creon wouldn’t even be king if it weren’t for Polyneices attacking Thebes. Eteocles was younger than Creon, and if he wasn’t killed, Creon would have had to, like, leave his throne when Eteocles was old enough to, like, take over. This was gonna cause a whole bunch o’ problems. So what Polyneices did was, he, like, eliminated the competition. But Creon was all, “You’re a traitor, and that’s a crime. So even though you got me this great job, I’m gonna make your soul wonder the world forever. Loser.”

But Antigone wasn’t gonna just, like, let him get away with defying the will of the gods. Seriously, that’s never a good thing to do. Those gods are, like, capricious. They know where you live. So anyway, she went out and, like, threw dirt or something on her dead brother Polyneices. Eteocles, by the way, was like, given a royal funeral. There were, um... were there fires? Yeah. Yeah, there could be fire. It’s ancient Greece, so why not? Yeah, so anyway, oh yeah! At the beginning of the story, we should, like, have Antigone and her sister Ismene, like, debate if they should, uh, bury their brother. We can add in a whole “church vs. state” theme. That would work so much better than, uh, what did I have down? Oh yeah, the right of the first born son. Yeah, because Polyneices was the older one, but Oedipus left the kingdom to Eteocles? That’s kind of a stupid thing to do, but I think we can work it into the final draft.

So anyway, uh, are you getting this? I want this all written down. Yeah, so then Creon finds out that Antigone went against his royal edict thingey and buried her brother by, like, throwing rocks on him, or something. So he goes all like, “You’re a woman and you defied me, so that’s, um, ten times worse. I’m going to destroy you.” But Antigone was all, “No, you’re betraying the will of the gods. And that’s what’s bad.” To which Creon says something like, “You make too much trouble. I’m gonna throw you in a cave or something totally like that.” Then we can have Antigone leave and Creon’s son Haemon comes in. Haemon’s this angry guy who’s got a lot of pent up rage. But he can’t let it show, right, or they’ll catch on to him early in the play. No, better to let them think he’s all good and stuff.

So Haemon comes in and talks to his daddy about what he done did. He’s all, “You really shouldn’t defy the gods. Bad things happen to people who do that. And, like, I’m supposed to marry Antigone. You want a corpse for a daughter in law?” And Creon’s all, “She may be your wife, but I... am your father.” To which Haemon replies, like, “No! It isn’t true!” And then Creon says, uh, “Join me and together we will rule the Mediterranean as father and son!” I bet Lucas stole all that, too.

Okay, we need to, like, wrap this baby up. Let’s bring in Tiresias. He’s the blind guy, right? Right. The blind prophet. He can’t see in this world, but the gods, like, let him see into the next one, or something. So, like, he comes in and tells Creon that, uh, he’s, like, totally wrong. He’s all, “You went against the will of the gods when you, like, didn’t bury that guy. Also, you had your son’s future wife sealed up in a cave, or something. So you need to, like, fix all that. Go free Antigone and then bury the body.” And Creon’s all, “Yeah, whatever, dude. I don’t have to listen to you. I’m gonna bury the body, and then free Antigone. Loser.”

But, like, after Creon buries the body and goes to release Antigone, like, she’s dead. Oh, dude! That’s like, also against the will of the gods! According to our ancient Greek religion, you’re like, not supposed to kill yourself. That could be a tragic flaw. Yeah! Because she went against the will of the gods, and bad things happened to her. Yeah, but backwards. That could work. In fact, to make it sound better, we should change the name of the play from “Creon” to “Antigone.” That makes it more believable.

Yeah, so when Creon goes to find Antigone, and she’s dead, his son Haemon is there. Haemon’s all, “Arrrgh!” and he kills himself. Then a messenger goes back to Thebes and tells Creon’s wife that her son is dead. So she plunges a dagger into herself- in a temple! That’s the clincher. And with her dying breath, she, like, totally rips on Creon. Then Creon gets back and, like, realizes that his entire family is dead. So he’s all sad and junk. That’s what makes it a tragedy. But I still think we should call it “Antigone” because I get paid by the letter.