Why does it seem that every time you try and embezzle from a multinational corporation, the feds seem to have such a strong case against you? Poor parenting? Failure to pay off those student loans? No, despite what you may think, the majority of embezzlers and crooked politicians are caught because they don’t have time to adequately cover their tracks. Roboshrub Inc. realizes that some of our clientèle may need to conduct transactions that many would find unsavory and downright wrong. That’s why the need arose to protect our customers from invasive governmental activity via our newest innovation, the Paperless Paper Trail. The story behind the Paperless Paper Trail is a trailblazing epic, peppered with plot holes of adventure.
Do you really want the government to know what movies you see?
We’ve all heard the motivational speakers and futurologists looking forward, talking about the paperless office. “A paperless office will make employees more productive,” they say. You know what we say? It’s all a pack of lies, a distortion to hide the truth from the general public. The truth of the matter is that the paperless office was never a feasible idea. There were too many complicated factors. For example, in one early experiment a paperless printer merged with a scanner, creating the world’s first all-in-one machine. By adding Java source code, it grew opposable thumbs and won two Grammies, as well as an Oscar for its role as Jammed Printer #2 in the underground hit, “Office Space.”
It even did its own stunts. How many actors can say that?
Years of stagnation and underfunding doomed the paperless office, but we knew a diamond in the ruff when we saw one. Our customers demanded privacy of the sharpest degree, the highest caliber, the roast beef sandwich. And to that end, we devoted the full resources available to us at the time: a wing and a prayer. Using these two components, Roboshrub Incorporated has managed to compress a bubble of pocket space, similar to the zero-point model pioneered by Product #5338-54b (Permanent Paper Clip). No matter what information you need to keep out of human hands, you will be secure in the knowledge that you’re using a Roboshrub Inc. quality product, designed with your needs in mind. Refunds are guaranteed since we keep extensive records about who purchased this product and why it was purchased, as well as the customer’s psych evaluation and shoe size. Not for indoor use.
Do you really want the government to know what movies you see?
We’ve all heard the motivational speakers and futurologists looking forward, talking about the paperless office. “A paperless office will make employees more productive,” they say. You know what we say? It’s all a pack of lies, a distortion to hide the truth from the general public. The truth of the matter is that the paperless office was never a feasible idea. There were too many complicated factors. For example, in one early experiment a paperless printer merged with a scanner, creating the world’s first all-in-one machine. By adding Java source code, it grew opposable thumbs and won two Grammies, as well as an Oscar for its role as Jammed Printer #2 in the underground hit, “Office Space.”
It even did its own stunts. How many actors can say that?
Years of stagnation and underfunding doomed the paperless office, but we knew a diamond in the ruff when we saw one. Our customers demanded privacy of the sharpest degree, the highest caliber, the roast beef sandwich. And to that end, we devoted the full resources available to us at the time: a wing and a prayer. Using these two components, Roboshrub Incorporated has managed to compress a bubble of pocket space, similar to the zero-point model pioneered by Product #5338-54b (Permanent Paper Clip). No matter what information you need to keep out of human hands, you will be secure in the knowledge that you’re using a Roboshrub Inc. quality product, designed with your needs in mind. Refunds are guaranteed since we keep extensive records about who purchased this product and why it was purchased, as well as the customer’s psych evaluation and shoe size. Not for indoor use.
I don't understand. Will it make the painful memories go away?
I don't remember.
I do not need your primitive track-coverer. The Gist has sufficed for thousands of years, and will continue to suffice far after the sun expends all its nuclear fuel. I know this because I've been there, man. I've walked on the sun after the lights went out. I know. I know things, man. Scary things.
I visited Jabba the Gist. He was not pleased. Not at all.
I didn't think he'd be. He owes me a thousand British pounds. And a metric tonne of scrap metal.
Can I put my manager in there? I'd let him out after a couple hours.
You can't put people inside the pocket space. The Paperless Paper Trail can only store paper-based evidence. The Permanent Paper Clip, however, can store any type of matter.
The evidence should be rolled into small paper tubes and ignited by inhaling on one end whilst applying flame to the other!
That's how some of our best ideas came to fruition.
How do you come up with this stuff?
Under the cover of darkness, that's how.
Technology is frightning. I need protection.
Roboshrub Inc. Well, that seems O.K.???? I mean our best interest at heart & all that. O.K. I can believe that.
Esp. if Mel (Defender of the Faith) Gibson is involved.!
P.S. I found ticharu's comment Incredibully funny.
For some reason reading this post I keep thinking of the Teen-age mutant Ninja turtles character, 'Shredder' as a paper shredder.
You are my oldest and best blog viewer, and your blog is brilliant!
Thank you sir. Thank you. T.H.A.N.K. Y.O.U.
Shredder is dandy, but quicker is slicker.
I am an ancient being, known for my greatness. Not chronologically or physically, but old nonetheless.
In a metaphysical way.
Now about the roast beef sandwich, is it a Subway sub with six grams of fat or less?
We can't reveal that information, as it was contained within the Paperless Paper Trail.
See how good it works?!
Now to save the day- with rockets!
Ladies' 5 and a half medium
No time to comment. I am busy filing a false tax return.
But tax returns true!
Unless you specify return false;
That's the key to all JavaScript code.
Oh, no, you di'n't!
Oooh, he just went there!
Did da world go bye bye?
^..^
I dont knoh what da world iz mommie sayz itz biggur den franz n i dont knoh how big dat iz neethur
i wanna knoh if da papurless trail haz a tail to play wif?
or if yah can crumple it up and maek it fall down stehrz?
bye bye
Theoretically there is absolutely no need for a printer in a paperless office! Am I right?
However, we all know that completely paperless is not paperless. How much paper does it take to become a paperless paper place? Say that five times really fast! ;)
Hey, The taker of gist looks like a molar.
i felt that was important anuff to navigate the @@#%%^^%& word verification
Of course there's no need for a printer in a paperless office!
That's why he went into acting.
Provincial... or proverbial?!
Metapirate,
I believe we have something of yours...
*opens briefcase*
We will need 15,000 of your men.
That is all.
I'll take three.
Yarrrrr... I can on'y spare a third o' that...
But fer you I'll makes an exception.