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Credits

Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.




In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department






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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

Print Logo

6.01.2007

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Spinder:

First off, I’d like to congratulate you on your 50th anniversary. Most married couples these days break up after a couple of hours, but you’ve kept up appearances for over twice my lifetime. Kudos on that. However, I did have a small problem with the anniversary party you held last week. While I applaud the pirate theme, and the fact that many of your elderly friends are still alive, you thoughtlessly blasted my house with 30s-style big band music until about 3:00 A.M. when I called the police. All my goldfish died, and I’m considering pressing charges.

Secondly, I’ve got an issue with that... let’s say that oversized rat you lovingly call a “dog.” That mongrel has been digging up my lawn for the last three years now. I’ve told you repeatedly to curb that thing, but every night at exactly 6:23 P.M. I see the same sight: your dog. By my lilac bushes. Eating the lilacs.

I’ll have you know that those lilacs cost me over a thousand dollars a bush, as I had them imported from Naples. My lawyer has already sent you a full estimate of the cost of damaged shrubbery, and I expect full recompense within five minutes of sending this letter. Your dog also defaced the sidewalk in front of my house, but that’s a municipal issue and I’ve already written to the city councilors and the highway commission. But I would still like a formal letter of apology.

Also, did you know you can add a customized search engine to your blog?

Roboshrub Inc. Search
I tell you this only because you expressed interest in open-source search technology at last month’s Salt of the Month Club meeting (by the way, iodized salts take fluorinated salts hands down). Apparently, it’s stunningly simple to create an Internet Explorer 7/Firefox compatible search engine:
<OpenSearchDescription xmlns="http://a9.com/-/spec/opensearch/1.1/">
<ShortName>(Blog Title)</ShortName>
<Description>Search (Blog Title) Archives</Description>
<InputEncoding>utf-8</InputEncoding>
<Image width="16" height="16">(Image URL)</Image>
<Url type="text/html" method="GET" template="http://blogsearch.google.com/">
<Param name="as_q" value="{searchTerms}"/>
<Param name="ie" value="UTF-8"/>
<Param name="ui" value="blg"/>
<Param name="bl_url" value="(Your Blog).blogspot.com"/>
<Param name="x" value="0"/>
<Param name="y" value="0"/>
</Url>
<SearchForm>http://blogsearch.google.com/</SearchForm>
</OpenSearchDescription>
All you have to do is save all that (replacing the parts in parentheses of course!) in an XML file and upload it somewhere. Ooooh! For the image URL, you can use a data URL. Internet Explorer doesn't use them, but it will. One day, when the sun has burned out, it will. Include the following tag in your site to make your search engine discoverable:

<link rel="search" type="application/opensearchdescription+xml" href="(URL of search engine)" title="(Title for search field)">

I want you to think about all that. Think and reflect.

Sincerely,
Matt Damon

Processing 17×100 Robo-Comments:

Anonymous Mrs Spinder gesticulated...

Mr Spinder will have gone to work in 15 minutes, why don't you come over and teach my 'dog' a lesson?

6/03/2007 6:51 PM  
Blogger jin gesticulated...

Heehee! :-D

Very enlightening post.

I must go now to think & reflect even more.

Oh, one more thing:
*Hopefully I've defaulted? lol*

C;2/em/"/lngpeb`?e`eorfn/e /mfjr ekmj'g/he6fnbe`e n`gi/me`nehpe'gjae6bjebfkkje6` enmpflaenjeb/gkeh/enm`"ie?j6l*eCenbjrabneCeb`?eh`l`a/?enjeq/mjeflejle6bf"bekmj4f/ eb/e6` e"jhflaeflejle'rnebfkkjenjg?eh/enb`ne jh/nfh/ epjrer /enbj /e `h/ekmj4f/ e^6/'6`mk/m&e6bj ajll`ilj6&eajcm//gpe!e'/`n'/ $*e¶lpe"b`l"/enb`ne`lpejcenbj /e6/m/epjrejle.mf?`pe`nehpekg`"/{eCe`hedr nenmpflaenjel`mmj6efne?j6le jeCe"`lei//ke`le/p/ejlenbf e6/fm?j1eC;2/eajnexe?fcc/m/lne n`nenm`"i/m efl n`gg/?e!enb/pe`gge //henje `pe jh/nbflae?fcc/m/ln*e)`b1

6/04/2007 3:05 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

How do I know that's not spyware?

Oooh, do you think you can make spyware for Mac users? I'd like to see those smarty heads get taken down a notch or two.

6/04/2007 2:22 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

@Mrs. Spinder: I'll bring my hoop and tiny unicycle.

@Jin: Nb`ne jrl? ebjmmf'g/1eCe`ghj ne6f befne6/m/eh/&e'rneCel/2/me2f fne'gja ejle`le`ljlphjr ekmj4p*eNbf ef &egfi/&enb/enbfm?enfh/e jh/jl/eCeilj6ejle)gjaa/meb` e'//le n`gi/?*

@Jon: It's like you're reading my mind.

6/04/2007 6:09 PM  
Anonymous Mrs Spinders Dog gesticulated...

*back flip*


*Eat Lilac*


*Back flip*

6/06/2007 6:49 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...


Oooooh!!

Can I use your icon too?!

I posted a tribute over at SCUBA.

6/11/2007 9:16 PM  
Blogger David Amulet gesticulated...

I always suspected some of the brilliant posts here were from the pen of Matt Damon. Now I know.

-- david

6/12/2007 5:16 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann gesticulated...

Just dropping in with a smile and hug to say hello!
~xo
Lee Ann

6/13/2007 6:05 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

@Mrs Spinders Dog: That's a good doggy. Now, balance my checkbook on your nose.

@Hippo: Sure. That's what icons are for.

@David Amulet: In truth, Matt Damon only contributes 40% of our total postage.

@Lee Ann: Beware; there's a limit as to how many times you can hug before your arms become tree branches.

...

*hug*

6/14/2007 10:19 PM  
Blogger concerned citizen gesticulated...

Mr. & Mrs. Spinder are discussing your "issues" while they feed their (so called) dog 'tidbits' under the table. Mr. Spinder thinks you are just a punk!(fucking idiot) While Mrs. Spinder feels you are devient(however you spell it).

'Tidbits' doesn't give a rats ass about you, he's an aventerore(whatever that is).

Oh BTW, it's me L>T :) I think you are OK, no matter what the Spinders say about you.

6/15/2007 2:38 AM  
Blogger concerned citizen gesticulated...

& their little dog, too.

6/15/2007 2:40 AM  
Blogger concerned citizen gesticulated...

my comrade in arms(fellow activist) made me delete you & safeTes comments.

She said(I quote)"These guys take away from the seriousness of the issue. Esp. if people link to them. They are not concerned citizens, or even serious!"

I told her I was sure you both were concerned citizens, even though you weren't Coquillians.

But her logic won out. (she's kinda a bully too, with no sense of humor)(She also thinks she's smarter then I am)

apparently you can comment anonymously or claim to the mayors dog run over by a police car is OK too. but not a robot.

guess I'd better go tell SafeT.

6/15/2007 9:24 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Oh, it's a team blog.

Good luck with the activism!

6/15/2007 11:00 AM  
Blogger concerned citizen gesticulated...

thank you. :) have you ever had any trouble with the police, yourself, BTW?

6/17/2007 12:02 AM  
Blogger Lee Ann gesticulated...

H
E
L
L
O
!
!
!
!
!
!

6/18/2007 8:47 PM  
Blogger David Amulet gesticulated...

Big band music until 3:00 a.m.? Give the old folks some credit ... they are still rockin' (kind of).

-- david

6/22/2007 8:04 AM  
Blogger unregistered text offender gesticulated...

Snap my naibours did the same thing to me a few nights ago, then when they finnaly turned the music off the spent the rest of the night loittering and throwing beer cans around like they were frickin footballs, do you think this is an epidemic? have the old folks woken up? have the mind control pills we hide in their meds stopped? oh sweet jesus we knew this would happen one day, the crepe suzete has really hit the fan this time. Now what are we going to do?

7/30/2007 11:50 AM