A Biography of The Incredible Mr. Thimbleton (1904-2004)
At age 2, Thaddeus T. Thimbleton the Third was already thirty times more perceptive than most other toddlers. He learned to speak as soon as he was born, and his bladder control was already that of a six year old. By the time he was 3, he could bench press 800 pounds and was drafted by the Roosevelt administration to oversee the purification of the United States’ beef supply. Excluding the Eisenhower years, it was the only time in American history that control of a federal agency was given to someone under the age of 9.
He remained a top politico until a falling out with President Taft after the large man accidentally stepped on Thimbleton’s cherished Robber Barron ~OR~ Captain of Industry? playset, flattening a tin replica of Andrew Carnegie. “You killed Andy!” Thimbleton is reported to have shouted as he ran crying from the oval office (which he partly designed). Although the two parted so unceremoniously and on such harsh terms, they maintained an amicable correspondence in the months preceding Taft’s death, similar to how Thomas Jefferson would send John Adams woodcarvings of himself wearing various hats and Adams would reciprocate.
Once he reached the age of ten Thimbleton was accepted to the Austrian School of Electrics & Granular Dynamics, where he excelled academically despite being functionally illiterate. As an early adopter of Tolkien mythology, Thimbleton was posited at the top of his campus’ social pyramid. Unfortunately (for everyone who ever lived), most of the students at Electrics & Granular were imperialist proto-nerds and were seriously warped by Thimbleton’s interpretation of The Lord of the Rings as Social Darwinist propaganda. Within three months, Thimbleton’s sci-fi book club, The Black Hand, had assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand to “preserve the purity of Middle Earth.”
Instead of uniting the world in peace and mutual friendship (as Tolkien predicted, said Thimbleton), the assassination set off a... a... WORLD WAR! No longer welcome in Austria, Thimbleton was forced to retreat to the one nation that would accept him- Canada. Fearing that a recent border skirmish would lead to a full-scale invasion by the United States, Prime Minister Borden had already commissioned a covert nuclear weapons program to ensure Canadian sovereignty. So when the child who invented nerve gas — yes, while looking through the notebooks Thimbleton left behind as he fled, Austrian officials found doodles of cartoon characters in the margins, with complex stoichiometric formulas in their speech bubbles. These formulas turned out to be the blueprints for a refined mustard-based toxin, and were turned over immediately to the Germans, who claimed the invention as their own — when that child appeared on Canadian shores, Borden made him an honourary Canadian citizen and set him to work building nukes.
Thaddeous Thimbleton, age 14
Though the war ended before Thimbleton’s incredible fission machine could be rigorously tested, his research was later cited by Albert Einstein and Leslie Groves as proof that nuclear power was in fact possible at all. Today, Canada’s nuclear program is one of the world’s best-kept secrets, and Robert Borden was exhumed and buried face-down in 1980 by some guy named Phil Brooks.
At age 2, Thaddeus T. Thimbleton the Third was already thirty times more perceptive than most other toddlers. He learned to speak as soon as he was born, and his bladder control was already that of a six year old. By the time he was 3, he could bench press 800 pounds and was drafted by the Roosevelt administration to oversee the purification of the United States’ beef supply. Excluding the Eisenhower years, it was the only time in American history that control of a federal agency was given to someone under the age of 9.
He remained a top politico until a falling out with President Taft after the large man accidentally stepped on Thimbleton’s cherished Robber Barron ~OR~ Captain of Industry? playset, flattening a tin replica of Andrew Carnegie. “You killed Andy!” Thimbleton is reported to have shouted as he ran crying from the oval office (which he partly designed). Although the two parted so unceremoniously and on such harsh terms, they maintained an amicable correspondence in the months preceding Taft’s death, similar to how Thomas Jefferson would send John Adams woodcarvings of himself wearing various hats and Adams would reciprocate.
Once he reached the age of ten Thimbleton was accepted to the Austrian School of Electrics & Granular Dynamics, where he excelled academically despite being functionally illiterate. As an early adopter of Tolkien mythology, Thimbleton was posited at the top of his campus’ social pyramid. Unfortunately (for everyone who ever lived), most of the students at Electrics & Granular were imperialist proto-nerds and were seriously warped by Thimbleton’s interpretation of The Lord of the Rings as Social Darwinist propaganda. Within three months, Thimbleton’s sci-fi book club, The Black Hand, had assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand to “preserve the purity of Middle Earth.”
Instead of uniting the world in peace and mutual friendship (as Tolkien predicted, said Thimbleton), the assassination set off a... a... WORLD WAR! No longer welcome in Austria, Thimbleton was forced to retreat to the one nation that would accept him- Canada. Fearing that a recent border skirmish would lead to a full-scale invasion by the United States, Prime Minister Borden had already commissioned a covert nuclear weapons program to ensure Canadian sovereignty. So when the child who invented nerve gas — yes, while looking through the notebooks Thimbleton left behind as he fled, Austrian officials found doodles of cartoon characters in the margins, with complex stoichiometric formulas in their speech bubbles. These formulas turned out to be the blueprints for a refined mustard-based toxin, and were turned over immediately to the Germans, who claimed the invention as their own — when that child appeared on Canadian shores, Borden made him an honourary Canadian citizen and set him to work building nukes.
Thaddeous Thimbleton, age 14
Though the war ended before Thimbleton’s incredible fission machine could be rigorously tested, his research was later cited by Albert Einstein and Leslie Groves as proof that nuclear power was in fact possible at all. Today, Canada’s nuclear program is one of the world’s best-kept secrets, and Robert Borden was exhumed and buried face-down in 1980 by some guy named Phil Brooks.
I mosey on over to Wiki to see if I can find out who this Phil Brooks is so I can make an informed & pertinent comment in regards to your brilliant post.
Unfortunately, I spent entirely too much time reading about this Phil Brooks (who you were most likely not speaking of).
:-S
I swear I didn't stare at the pictures. I always just read the articles.
I actually don't know anyone named Phil Brooks. It was just a randomly chosen name that sounded normalish.
Of course, as at least 2.5 Canadians can attest, none of this would have possible without the strangely alluring Bacon molecule.
why do I spend all that money on history courses when I can just come over here?
Why indeed? Join us in our next brilliant segment: The Founding Farmers: Roots of Americo.
Yeah, Americo.
Harumph. Mumph. Quite.
You killed Andy!
I feel completely divided in the way I feel about this. The whole idea is giving me a splitting headache!
14 huh?
Must have been some puberty...
Canada has a nuclear program?
We may need to invade.
I always said he was over greatest asset . Thank the Lord for Thad Thimbleton . Without him Canada would be just another State in the union .
@Rich: That's one molecule I can really sink my teeth into.
@L>T: Marketing, pure and simple.
@Professor: Your wordplay is magnifico.
@Lee Ann: Better than a splitting atom!
@Hippo: Like a sack of bricks.
@Jon: We'd never get past their moat.
@Wallycrawler: Methinks Thad thanks you.
Ha, and you mocked my alligation of candian spies trying to buy Yellow (and white) cake from the Nabraskans.
And on top of that they brokee my spelcheck.
Our deadly neclear arsenal is one of Canada's best kept secrets (which, sadly, greatly reduces their effectivness as a deterent). Every family is required to keep a long-range neclear warhead in their basement, and it is a common coming of age ritual for young boys and girls to be taught the deployment codes by their parent or guardian. But you didn't hear about it from me...
(Neclear weapons, are, of course, about 10 000 times more deadly than nuclear ones.)
I once stabbed Thimbleton with his own mustache for singing under his breath for 18 days straight. No court in the country would convict me. But they may as well have. I've now been banned from several internet radio stations. Life without Salsa is a jail all unto itself... without the seedy 'inmate love' of course.
Lol I love this tale of the man I call T4
I want to see the toddlers go into Middle Earth!
Have a great week!
~xo
What are your seven?
If I promise to stop hurting small furry animals will you update your blog?
Rich just knocked some sense into me.
That wasn't sense. It was Peruvian hot sauce.