Send As SMS



Credits

Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.




In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department






Changes may not fully take effect until you reload the page.




For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

Print Logo

10.17.2006

Product #1232-26e “Bantäghan Arch”

Gregor Bantägh was a world-famous chocolate mousse sculptor and child of the industrial revolution. His childhood (if one could call it that) was spent on numerous intellectual pursuits; pushed by his family, he succeeded in being the first human to best the Rubix Cube at age 7. By the 1810’s, Bantägh was a regular around the scientific circles and parabolas of the time. He was on everyone’s mailing list, and always had an opinion on whatever topic was at hand.

Gregor Bantägh
Gregor Bantägh and his first greatest invention, the beat-boxing fire ant.

But as the old saying goes, “you can’t get milk from a turtle.” True to this proverb, Gregor went for thirty years without human contact, content to live alone out in the wilderness. Work on his electrical architecture proceeded slowly, due to the absence of key devices; yet by 1824 he managed to turn the establishment on its head- with the invention of the Bantäghan Arch™, now produced exclusively through the Roboshrub Inc. product reclamation authority.

The Arch is a two-pronged architectural masterpiece, so-called because of its two freestanding flanges. Each flange can be set to either the opened or closed position, but for the Bantäghan Arch to function properly, one must be open while the other remains closed. Ultimately, the purpose of the Arch is to exponentially increase the human life span by alleviating the high levels of free radicals swarming the blood.

As the Arch becomes active, it generates a “dimple” (bear with us) in the electrostatic field around it. This dimpling attracts free radicals (elements that lack proper electron configuration) within .5 meters of the open flange. As the free radicals careen towards the flange, they accumulate on the exterior wall, creating a passive kinetic build-up. It is at this point—when the open flange reaches maximum atomic capacity—that the proximity of a closed flange cannot be overvalued.

Monopole magnets line the outer casing of each flange (we all know that), but only in the closed position are a flange’s monopoles in perfect alignment, (nearly) perpendicular to the monopoles of an open flange. The perpendicularity creates a positron vacuum in the intervening electrostatic field, balancing out the dimple effect and allowing free radicals to move through the open flange (converting them to harmless tachyons). Without this critical placement of a closed flange, the open flange would not be able to regulate the free radical flow; free radicals would not be fully converted, adding undissipated heat- leading to the lab explosion that claimed the life of Dr. Bantägh... or rather, it would have claimed his life, had he not been immortal.

Bantäghan Arch
A functioning Bantäghan Arch correctly regulating the free radical/tachyon flow.

When describing the Arch, distance is sacrosanct. The flanges must be placed exactly one foot (0.3048 meters) apart from each other. If the flanges are closer than that, the free radicals are not fully converted, and the overheating problem occurs. If the flanges are too far from each other, the monopoles don’t connect and the surrounding electrostatic field collapses, losing its dimple. ¡Qué triste!

Flanges should be cleaned regularly. Roboshrub Inc. is not responsible for loss of pension due to age-reversing effects. The Arch’s design, as well as all related intellectual property (including the Li’l Flangy toy line) are proprietary software. ©1826 Bantäghan Mutually-Assured Destruction Fund. Do not ingest free radicals.

Processing 32×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...


Alpha Lipoic Acid my friend. Every oriface, everyday.

10/17/2006 8:12 PM  
Blogger jin gesticulated...

OOOOOooooo!!!
GENIUS

Will you be selling them to Walmart?

10/17/2006 9:12 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Roboshrub Inc. believes in Mom & Pop Metaphysics.

10/17/2006 9:49 PM  
Anonymous Rich gesticulated...

I could imagine the flanges would be particularly useful if I knew what you were talking about.

Nice!

10/17/2006 10:00 PM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

kinda reminds me of a pin-ball machine. rpzcuiok

10/17/2006 10:40 PM  
Blogger Monkey gesticulated...

“you can’t get milk from a turtle.” So true my friend. So true.

Your selling this arch thingy is just one more cheap shot in trying to best Zero Unlimited and our fabulous line of products. It won't work I tell you! Won't work!

(Nice drawing of the flanges though... I stared for hours, hypnotized.)

10/18/2006 2:27 AM  
Blogger Polyman3 gesticulated...

Radical!

10/18/2006 10:23 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

That seems all well and good for regular folk, but what about those of us who depend on the ions in our bodies to power our roguish charms and rapier wits?

iqgirxd

10/18/2006 12:16 PM  
Blogger 13 gesticulated...

i must have a beat-boxing fire ant. i must!

10/18/2006 12:57 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Fire ants are forbidden! Have been ever since the revolt of the 70s, when millions of them carried off over a billion dollars in picnic supplies.

Little widgets!

10/18/2006 1:13 PM  
Blogger Fred gesticulated...

I bested the Cube at age 5. What's the big deal about this Gregor guy?

10/18/2006 7:58 PM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

Age EIGHT?

Would you like a job?

10/18/2006 8:31 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

In the Roboshrub Universe™, 5 = 8

10/18/2006 8:35 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...


I think you're just covering up a malfunction!

10/18/2006 8:38 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

There are no malfunctions! Only functions!

10/18/2006 8:48 PM  
Blogger jin gesticulated...

Everyone DUCK!!!
Gyrobo's gonna BLOW!!!

10/19/2006 1:06 AM  
Anonymous Rich gesticulated...

He's malfunctioning over the word malfunction.

Excellent, my plans are coming to fruition.

10/19/2006 2:37 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Guuuuh!

*bzzzzzz*

10/19/2006 1:36 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

What?

10/19/2006 1:37 PM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

CLEAR!

10/19/2006 3:38 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...


He just blew up the entire city of Modena, Utah!

Ah..probly did us a favor.

10/19/2006 6:05 PM  
Anonymous RIch gesticulated...

I love it when Gyrobo becomes a portable Barbique.

Who wants Steak?

10/19/2006 7:14 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier gesticulated...

Of all the things you can't get milk from, why a turtle?

10/19/2006 7:55 PM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

Turtle's milk is a powerful antibiotic. Not to mention aphrodesiac...

10/19/2006 8:11 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

And it makes a great story to tell the grandkids.

10/19/2006 8:12 PM  
Blogger Forty_Two gesticulated...

I will work harder.

Napoleon is always right.

10/20/2006 7:18 PM  
Anonymous RIch gesticulated...

I ingested a free radical, what do I do? WHAT DO I DO?

10/23/2006 7:19 PM  
Blogger wallycrawler gesticulated...

I'm a radical , I seem free and my girlfriend ingests me bi-weekly . What should she do ?

Not that I'm gonna tell her !

10/24/2006 7:35 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier gesticulated...

"Napoleon is always right?"

What about Waterloo? Letting ABBA do that song could in no way be considered right.

10/24/2006 9:43 PM  
Blogger Private Hudson gesticulated...

I think I shot a free radical at Berkley once.

10/24/2006 10:50 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

I'd say "Radical!" but that's been done already.

Lamentation!

10/25/2006 11:00 AM  
Blogger sammyray gesticulated...

PLEASE sell this at WalMart. Then we can clean out the free radicals fro mthe bloodstream of socirty: welfare recipients.

10/26/2006 12:27 AM