Product #1232-26e “Bantäghan Arch”

Gregor Bantägh was a world-famous chocolate mousse sculptor and child of the industrial revolution. His childhood (if one could call it that) was spent on numerous intellectual pursuits; pushed by his family, he succeeded in being the first human to best the Rubix Cube at age 7. By the 1810’s, Bantägh was a regular around the scientific circles and parabolas of the time. He was on everyone’s mailing list, and always had an opinion on whatever topic was at hand.

Gregor Bantägh and his first greatest invention, the beat-boxing fire ant.

But as the old saying goes, “you can’t get milk from a turtle.” True to this proverb, Gregor went for thirty years without human contact, content to live alone out in the wilderness. Work on his electrical architecture proceeded slowly, due to the absence of key devices; yet by 1824 he managed to turn the establishment on its head- with the invention of the Bantäghan Arch™, now produced exclusively through the Roboshrub Inc. product reclamation authority.

The Arch is a two-pronged architectural masterpiece, so-called because of its two freestanding flanges. Each flange can be set to either the opened or closed position, but for the Bantäghan Arch to function properly, one must be open while the other remains closed. Ultimately, the purpose of the Arch is to exponentially increase the human life span by alleviating the high levels of free radicals swarming the blood.

As the Arch becomes active, it generates a “dimple” (bear with us) in the electrostatic field around it. This dimpling attracts free radicals (elements that lack proper electron configuration) within .5 meters of the open flange. As the free radicals careen towards the flange, they accumulate on the exterior wall, creating a passive kinetic build-up. It is at this point—when the open flange reaches maximum atomic capacity—that the proximity of a closed flange cannot be overvalued.

Monopole magnets line the outer casing of each flange (we all know that), but only in the closed position are a flange’s monopoles in perfect alignment, (nearly) perpendicular to the monopoles of an open flange. The perpendicularity creates a positron vacuum in the intervening electrostatic field, balancing out the dimple effect and allowing free radicals to move through the open flange (converting them to harmless tachyons). Without this critical placement of a closed flange, the open flange would not be able to regulate the free radical flow; free radicals would not be fully converted, adding undissipated heat- leading to the lab explosion that claimed the life of Dr. Bantägh... or rather, it would have claimed his life, had he not been immortal.

A functioning Bantäghan Arch correctly regulating the free radical/tachyon flow.

When describing the Arch, distance is sacrosanct. The flanges must be placed exactly one foot (0.3048 meters) apart from each other. If the flanges are closer than that, the free radicals are not fully converted, and the overheating problem occurs. If the flanges are too far from each other, the monopoles don’t connect and the surrounding electrostatic field collapses, losing its dimple. ¡Qué triste!

Flanges should be cleaned regularly. Roboshrub Inc. is not responsible for loss of pension due to age-reversing effects. The Arch’s design, as well as all related intellectual property (including the Li’l Flangy toy line) are proprietary software. ©1826 Bantäghan Mutually-Assured Destruction Fund. Do not ingest free radicals.