Dennis Hastert Arrested For Cannibalism

The families of half a dozen young men found closure today when authorities released x-rays of the Speaker of the House of Representatives’ colon, exposing the half-dissolved skeletons of what may be several missing congressional pages. Some of the pages have been missing since 2002, when Hastert began to gain weight at what statisticians calculate at “a staggering 50 to 60 pounds per week.” Aides of the venerable congressman are expected to be brought up on charges that they willfully ignored key indications that their boss had eaten the minors, such the over-abundance of barbecue sauce and playstation magazines in Hastert’s Washington D.C. office.

Dennis “Fatty” Hastert, and the Committee for the Enhancement of Obesity

“This is the worst breach of the public’s trust I’ve seen since Tom deLay maliciously desecrated a wishing well last year,” Justice Department attorney and noted immortal Gregor Bantägh told Routers. “This is the kind of thing you’d expect from... I don’t know... maybe... you know, some third world country. Maybe North Korea.”

Ironically, experts believe that Hastert was caught because he stopped eating more pages. “We saw that there were way too many pages at the beginning of the fall 2006 session,” Senator McCain reported in a confidential e-mail strapped to the leg of a carrier pigeon. “So we went back, over the last ten years, and found out that a surprisingly high percentage of pages had fallen off the face of the Earth after being assigned Hastert detail.”

Republican strategists remain optimistic, predicting a 50 seat gain in the midterm elections next month. “But you know what we really need to focus on?” asks Grover Norquist. “Iraq. Let’s get back to Iraq.”