Toast, our newest enemy?
The originator of the "Liquid Toast," or "Toastido Radiation Theory" theory is Dr. Elias Stottlebottom, brother of the late anti-water activist Nigel Stottlebottom. In 1963, Dr. Stottlebottom announced his doctoral thesis to an uncaring, unprepared world. At first, few believed the precocious young doctor. But when a 1987 seaquake off the coast of Micronesia led to a surprising increase in the number of semi-intelligent humans, Stottlebottom's theory was given new life.
Dr. Elias Stottlebottom, fighting to keep our oceans toast-free.
"It's just so gratifying that after these years of neglect, my meticulously-detailed hypothesis is no longer being ridiculed. Even as we speak, no one is throwing eggs or toilet paper at my house! This is truly a great day for science," Stottlebottom is allegedly reported to have said under duress.
While the Toastido Radiation Theory is growing in supporters, there is still some dissent. Russ Vialovski, a Russian immigrant and father of two who works as a lab techinician at Zombietree Corps, had this to say:
"Zere ees no possibility of zis toast gaining- how you say- mental powers from zeese undervater vents. Ees as silly as sayink zat zee communist party fired nuclear missiles into ze vents. Eet ees simply impossible."
Other more skeptical scientists doubt the very existence of toast.
"We have no direct observational observations that any form of edible wheat exists," Dr. Hugo of the Celery Institute of South Wales said to us in misshapen letters scrawled on a stalk of celery. "The only edible foodstuff is celery, and celery derivatives, such as celery juice and cats."
Celery and cats, the two main food groups.
When reached for comment, the International Toast Aficionados (an organization designed to determine the intelligencosity of toast) declared rumors of intelligent toast to be maliciously untrue. Still, the great debate that started in a rogue scientist's garage is now drumming in the breakroom of every office, the tempest of every teapot. So when you take a bite out of breakfast tomorrow morning, just remember: that piece of toast could be smarter than your dog.
That is, if you live by a deep sea trench.