Evidence uncovered by an Icelandic expedition of bread crusts floating near a deep-sea trench has fueled speculation among the scientific community that the radiation produced by underwater chasms has a direct correlation on the number of toast points that become sentient in any given year.
Toast, our newest enemy?
The originator of the "Liquid Toast," or "Toastido Radiation Theory" theory is Dr. Elias Stottlebottom, brother of the late anti-water activist Nigel Stottlebottom. In 1963, Dr. Stottlebottom announced his doctoral thesis to an uncaring, unprepared world. At first, few believed the precocious young doctor. But when a 1987 seaquake off the coast of Micronesia led to a surprising increase in the number of semi-intelligent humans, Stottlebottom's theory was given new life.
Dr. Elias Stottlebottom, fighting to keep our oceans toast-free.
"It's just so gratifying that after these years of neglect, my meticulously-detailed hypothesis is no longer being ridiculed. Even as we speak, no one is throwing eggs or toilet paper at my house! This is truly a great day for science," Stottlebottom is allegedly reported to have said under duress.
While the Toastido Radiation Theory is growing in supporters, there is still some dissent. Russ Vialovski, a Russian immigrant and father of two who works as a lab techinician at Zombietree Corps, had this to say:
"Zere ees no possibility of zis toast gaining- how you say- mental powers from zeese undervater vents. Ees as silly as sayink zat zee communist party fired nuclear missiles into ze vents. Eet ees simply impossible."
Other more skeptical scientists doubt the very existence of toast.
"We have no direct observational observations that any form of edible wheat exists," Dr. Hugo of the Celery Institute of South Wales said to us in misshapen letters scrawled on a stalk of celery. "The only edible foodstuff is celery, and celery derivatives, such as celery juice and cats."
Celery and cats, the two main food groups.
When reached for comment, the International Toast Aficionados (an organization designed to determine the intelligencosity of toast) declared rumors of intelligent toast to be maliciously untrue. Still, the great debate that started in a rogue scientist's garage is now drumming in the breakroom of every office, the tempest of every teapot. So when you take a bite out of breakfast tomorrow morning, just remember: that piece of toast could be smarter than your dog.
That is, if you live by a deep sea trench.
Toast, our newest enemy?
The originator of the "Liquid Toast," or "Toastido Radiation Theory" theory is Dr. Elias Stottlebottom, brother of the late anti-water activist Nigel Stottlebottom. In 1963, Dr. Stottlebottom announced his doctoral thesis to an uncaring, unprepared world. At first, few believed the precocious young doctor. But when a 1987 seaquake off the coast of Micronesia led to a surprising increase in the number of semi-intelligent humans, Stottlebottom's theory was given new life.
Dr. Elias Stottlebottom, fighting to keep our oceans toast-free.
"It's just so gratifying that after these years of neglect, my meticulously-detailed hypothesis is no longer being ridiculed. Even as we speak, no one is throwing eggs or toilet paper at my house! This is truly a great day for science," Stottlebottom is allegedly reported to have said under duress.
While the Toastido Radiation Theory is growing in supporters, there is still some dissent. Russ Vialovski, a Russian immigrant and father of two who works as a lab techinician at Zombietree Corps, had this to say:
"Zere ees no possibility of zis toast gaining- how you say- mental powers from zeese undervater vents. Ees as silly as sayink zat zee communist party fired nuclear missiles into ze vents. Eet ees simply impossible."
Other more skeptical scientists doubt the very existence of toast.
"We have no direct observational observations that any form of edible wheat exists," Dr. Hugo of the Celery Institute of South Wales said to us in misshapen letters scrawled on a stalk of celery. "The only edible foodstuff is celery, and celery derivatives, such as celery juice and cats."
Celery and cats, the two main food groups.
When reached for comment, the International Toast Aficionados (an organization designed to determine the intelligencosity of toast) declared rumors of intelligent toast to be maliciously untrue. Still, the great debate that started in a rogue scientist's garage is now drumming in the breakroom of every office, the tempest of every teapot. So when you take a bite out of breakfast tomorrow morning, just remember: that piece of toast could be smarter than your dog.
That is, if you live by a deep sea trench.
This post should buy us some time while Roboshrub and I draw some pictures for our new unposted stories...
Noo!
My professor told me that Super-Intelligent Toast came from radical economic policies forced on us by the Lincoln Administration!
I don't want no toast that's smarter 'un me.
To the Bride and Groom! May their days be fraught with danger, excitement and huge piles of non-sequentially numbers bills in small denominations.
I would have never believed it either. But just last year, the government dug a deep-sea trench just the other side of our back yard, and wouldn't you know if the toast hasn't been squabbling and complaining ever since!
Uh-oh. If toast is that smart, then PETA is gonna be really pissed off at the breakfast I just ate.
-- david
Where did you get that picture of me?
Just another example of government waste. Give the money to me, I say! So that I may utilize my royal sprites, and institute a takeover of the noble institution of ufology.
I will never look at wild toast the same again, But is it morally Ok for me to eat toast raised for the purpose of eating.
I will say that I am opposed to the use of toast labs that test consumer products. Unless they are eating it and was raised to be eaten.
Oh dear, your pics disappeared too. What's up with that?
Thank goodness I'd filed my avatar, otherwise I'd be begging you for another one.
I've fixed the pictures, hopefully.
crap, I just bought a new toaster!