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Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.

In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department

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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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Product #6464-87b “Convertible Escape Pod”

“Master, the walls are starting to buckle!”

You turn and glare at your minion. All the planning, all the money spent on expensive machinery, all the senators bribed, all for naught. Your dreams of world domination are dashed like so many of your “guests” on the rocks far below your evil fortress. As the uniformed forces of an unspecific country march forward, bent on eliminating the threat your pseudo-mad science poses, you have one option: escape.

“Fool! You’ve indirectly led them right to us, sort of!”

Many of our clients have overt designs on world control, either by cornering the stock market, seizing control of the moon, or starting false religions (most notably the First Church of Tax Exempt Status). If the James Bond movies of the 1960s have taught us anything, it’s that all these “get rich quick, stick a needle in your eye” schemes are doomed to failure. And if there’s one thing Roboshrub Inc. is good at, it’s making failure look like anti-failure (in Canada and parts of Oregon, anti-failure is called “fishscope” and retails for $80 per kilogram).

The only way to evade capture after one’s ingenious plan fails is to use an escape pod, so we started out with a basic open-source Lancaster 3400C all-purpose expulsion vehicle. We stripped it down to its core operating system and rebuilt it from scratch. Our top concern during the redesign process was making the pod more stylish, which is why the blast hatch is now retractable, allowing the occupant to experience supersonic flight unfettered by bulky windows. By increasing the girth of the propulsion engines and removing the cup holder, we managed to make the device over 60% more fuel-efficient. This forward-thinking engine rebuild earned us a Chuck Norris approval tag, which we cannot display due to legal issues involving a porpoise and three buckets of house paint.

It’s more than just an escape pod. It’s a Chuck Norris approved escape pod.

Processing 17×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Also, I think I should tell you: I found out why everyone was saying the text was small. Apparently, there was a problem when I was making the captions for the timages on that last post, and it made everything look small on Internet Explorer. I went back and fixed it.

5/03/2006 2:18 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

See! I'm not crazy, I'm not!

Any way, I like that convertable escape pod, I think I'll buy one and crash it into hippies.

5/03/2006 3:14 PM  
Blogger Torveld gesticulated...

UUUuuuuuuurrrrgh! Escape! Escape! Brains! Brains!

5/03/2006 3:37 PM  
Blogger angel, jr. gesticulated...

Does this escape pod come free with several DVD seasons of Walker, Texas Ranger?

5/03/2006 6:26 PM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

Yes, and a few Bruce Lee bootlegged VHS tapes, from Norris's early years. Available while supplies last.

5/03/2006 7:21 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

How did Star Jones lose all that weight?

Because Chuck Norris beat the hell out of her.

5/03/2006 7:24 PM  
Blogger Salbert gesticulated...

I think Chuck Norris is part of the First Church of the Tax-Exept Status. When he mails back his tax return, he has the blank papers and a picture of him ready to attack. He's never payed taxes, ever!

Oh, my capital will begin being poured into you again, ANOTHER PRODUCT! Finall!

5/03/2006 8:10 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

We at Roboshrub Inc. feel that flooding the market with unreliable products contributes to natural deselection.


5/03/2006 8:18 PM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

UPDATE: It seems as though there's been a slight error in construction for the first 10,000 models. The factory is issuing a recall. If your brand new escape pod contains kittens instead of a navigating computer, please return it to your retailer.

Thank you.

5/03/2006 9:40 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

Aha, I was wondering why I was sneezing near mine.

5/04/2006 6:49 AM  
Blogger flatlander gesticulated...

When I hit the speed of light, with the canopy down, will my X-ray high beams start to illuminate the past so I can find out, definitively, who shot J.R.?

5/04/2006 12:34 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

"Chuck Norris created the Earth in 5 days, then created God on the 6th. On the 7th day Chuck worked on his abs."

5/04/2006 1:14 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

When approaching the speed of light, it's best to apply some of our Skin-B-Gone Body Spray so as to prevent damage to your epidermis.

5/04/2006 5:46 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

Chuck Norris created Roboshrub Inc.

5/04/2006 7:39 PM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

I was fine with the whole story until you started with all that blah, blah, work'n on the engine, supersonic propulsion rebuilding, testosrone crap. Have a couple of beers & get over it.

Where's the romance? The happy ending?

5/04/2006 7:53 PM  
Blogger Rick Anonymi gesticulated...

There was no happy ending. All the test subjects were vaporized by the intake. Poor wuddlers, eh, Gunter?

5/04/2006 8:31 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

"Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure."

5/04/2006 9:15 PM