Like most former Congressmen, Tom deLay has devolved into toon-form.
“I sure sneaked up on ya, didn’t I?” giggled deLay as Senator Ninja put away his embossed katana. “Anyway, I heard you talking to Dick Cheney and-”
“Yes, deLay, I was talking to Dick Cheney. Because I’m a Congressman, and you’re not. Follow the logic, deLame,” he laughed, hitting deLay upside the head. Tom didn’t find this amusing, and pulled a small piece of paper out of Senator Ninja’s back pocket.
“So, Cheney gave you one of his invisible ink messages, did he? Well, nuts to you. I don’t need to help you, you know. I’m retired.”
“Yes. ‘Retired.’ More like ‘retroactive!’”
“That made no sense at all.”
“It doesn’t have to. I’m a ninja,” grinned Senator Ninja.
And this is what Senator Ninja would look like as a giant ant.
“Yeah, that’s what you’ve been saying the entire time I’ve worked with you. Yet in all that time, I’ve never seen you talking to any of your constituents-”
“And you never will, ’cause you don’t work here anymore!” interrupted Senator Ninja, his nostrils flaring in anticipation.
“-and I don’t even know what state you’re from. No one does. How did you get into Congress?!”
“It’s... I was... Look, I don’t have to explain any of this to you. I’m a ninja.”
deLay just stood there, staring at Senator Ninja, trying to place his dialect. Nothing. It was if Senator Ninja came from...
“Are you from Omaha?”
“I was just asking because you have, like, no accent. You could be from, like, anywhere.”
“Yeah. I’m a ninja.” began Senator Ninja. He turned his head upward to observe the gaping hole in the ceiling. It was still a gaping hole in the ceiling, not much happening to it, really. He looked back at deLay, who was staring impatiently at his watch. It was starting to get awkward.
“Where are you from?!”
“So, uh... hey, have you seen Family Guy lately?” asked Senator Ninja, trying to jump-start the conversation.
“I don’t watch Family Guy. I think it’s poorly written and the animation is also of poor quality.”
Senator Ninja’s eyes bored into deLay’s ragged soul. Any enemy of Family Guy must be destroyed, declared a voice inside the senator’s head.
“You will suffer the fate of a thousand bees!” screamed Senator Ninja, his fingers cracking in an unnatural manner.
“I respectfully disaggree with your assessment of Family Guy!”
“Why don’t we just get back to the letter Dick Cheney gave you?” asked deLay, noticing smoke billowing out of Senator Ninja’s pantleg.
“Uh? Oh, right, Dick Cheney. Hey, how did you know he would meet me here? I didn’t even know we were meeting until, like, five minutes before it happened.”
“I’ve been hiding out in Congress ever since I retired. That’s where I live now,” deLay pointed out a large potted plant next to the cafeteria. “Every night, I sneak into the cafeteria and eat the fruit rollups. Then I sneak out. It’s easy because the cafeteria and this hallway are the only areas in Congress where there aren’t cameras.”
“What about the bathrooms?”
“I wouldn’t know. I didn’t want to risk getting caught, so I haven’t left this hall in weeks.”
“But then...? Oh, Tom! The cafeteria’s right over there!” Senator Ninja broke down. “That smell coming from the back room-”
“That’s just the poor quality meat they use to make Congressburgers. It’s made by the same people who made Family Guy. Burn!” Then deLay went for a high-five, which Senator Ninja, against senate regulations, did not return.
“But then... is there a sink or...”
“Use your head, fool!”
“I held it in, Senator Ninjerk.” deLay laughed.
“I’m an American.”