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Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.

In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department

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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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Unbirthday Blues

Do you have any idea how many unbirthdays are in a year? Roughly 2,184,000,000,000. (You can do the math yourself. Six billion people times 364 days. But leap years don’t count. I never recognize leap years.) So when I held my unbirthday party last week at a Chuckie Cheese’s in rural Kentucky, I knew I would need more than statistics to back up my claim. Anyone could have walked in off the street and claimed it was their unbirthday. You only get a free pizza if you can prove that the day in question is not your birthday, which is extremely hard given the fact that all my birth records have been classified, along with the contents of my report to Congress on the effects nuclear waste might have if buried beneath random parks.

That’s the government for you: always cutting corners.

Anyway, that’s when I remembered that I’m a top-tier official at Roboshrub Inc. I have access to thousands of grams of documents that aren’t meant for mortal eyes. Normally I would only use my power of bureaucracy for evil, but this was personal; anything that jeopardized my unbirthday party would be eliminated within the full extent of the law. So I got to work, forcing the various drones at Roboshrub Inc. to pump out the greatest movie ever made. It was a stroke of pure genius on my part, for who would expect me to take the most complicated and inefficient route to achieve my ends? But it worked. After weeks of shameless promotion and scathing reviews, I had a summer blockbuster broadcasting my beautifully crafted face all over the silver screen.

I had to put on 800 kilotons to fit into that outfit.

Perhaps I should explain my gallant plan. You see, by making myself the most famous sentient being in the nation, my birthday will become common knowledge. The result: even the soda jerks and cheese fiends at family fun centers would know when my unbirthday is. Ha! None can dispute the sheer brilliance of that plan!

The day after the big premiere, I stumbled up to Chuckie Cheese’s. I pulled open those so-called “doors” and dragged myself in with a horrific groan. As I looked up, I saw the tattered remnants of what was once the cafeteria.

The whole building was empty, and it looked like a tornado blew through the place. All the chairs were overturned and the ceiling lights were flickering; I heard a puppy whimper under a pile of tangerine crates. The poor creature was trying to gnaw off one of its legs for sustenance. The pitiful canine was almost through the tendon when I scooped it up. “You have nothing to fear, young one. I’m taking you to the best doctor money can-”

That was when the lights started flashing and every one of my friends and relatives and fans and co-workers and enemies jumped out at once. “Happy unbirthday!” they screamed at a temperature of exactly 75 decibels. I was so overjoyed at the response by my extensive fan base that I signed autographs until midnight. We partied so hardy that day that hobos still talk about it to each and every passersby on railroad boxcars. For my voice, they use a combination of Gilbert Gottfried and Joe Pesci. At least that’s what I pay them for.

And a very merry unbirthday to you, you fool!

Processing 21×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger Rick Anonymi gesticulated...

Danger! Danger!


I'm in the future! Bad things are gonna go down!


No- they're coming! Quick, before I get cut off, remember to-



I'm now in the past, preventing the presidency of Ross Perot. Ha ha! No one will ever know!

11/02/1992 6:36 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

Somebody's gained some weight.

4/07/2006 12:37 AM  
Blogger unregistered text offender gesticulated...

Solitary hobo comment?

4/07/2006 11:09 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

A hobo comment is similar to the robo-comments that Roboshrub Inc. uses to accurately describe its commenting system.

4/07/2006 1:12 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

I didn't even know it was your unbirthday!


I'm singing you a sing right now.

4/07/2006 3:34 PM  
Blogger Private Hudson gesticulated...

Happy unbirthday, civilian.

4/07/2006 3:35 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Happy unbirthday, fellow intergalactic citizens!

4/07/2006 3:43 PM  
Blogger ticharu gesticulated...

I had an extra helping of unbirthday cake and went to bed...

4/07/2006 10:42 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Many people take that path, for it is the path most travelled. The path least travelled is the one involving ten herculanean trials, the first of which requires Roboshrub Inc.'s Solar Powered Umbrella (Product #6881-95q).

4/07/2006 11:10 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

Guess that static free antenna I installed on all Anonymi models failed.

Guess that happens when you don't have any experience with robots.

Guess so

4/08/2006 12:47 AM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

What the?

Peter Potamus the Mindtaker.

4/08/2006 12:48 AM  
Blogger Salbert gesticulated...

I'm having an unbirthday party today!!! And tomorrow, and the next day...

4/08/2006 9:30 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Unbirthday cake is the best in all the land, made 18% more special because of all the vitamins and minerals inherent in all forms of vegetation.

4/08/2006 4:29 PM  
Blogger wallycrawler gesticulated...

I love Gilbert Gottfried , but I hate Joe Pesci ! Except in "Goodfellas" and "Casino" and "My Cousin Vinny" and "Raging Bull" and "Lethal Weapon"...Hey wait a minute I like Joe Pesci it's Joe Piscopo I hate ! God I hate him !!! Except on old "Saturday Night Live" skits...

4/08/2006 5:48 PM  
Blogger Matthew Laceration gesticulated...

Dude, at ZU they never celebrate unbirthdays, except for Mr. Freemans. But I've heard that dude is totally insane.

4/08/2006 6:20 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Hello, Flatlander!

4/08/2006 6:22 PM  
Blogger flatlander gesticulated...

I love surprises, especially when I'm not expecting them.

4/08/2006 6:23 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

You like surprises? Then I will travel back to a time before you posted that comment and say hello to you.

4/08/2006 7:17 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Almost every actor named "Joe" is good for a couple of chuckles.

4/08/2006 7:19 PM  
Blogger ticharu gesticulated...

Today my socks have taken me to the washer woman in the vast tenement flat 'n' scrubs where the evil potato masher used a port unbrella to frighten poor Robo-Dole into submission and singing the famous Rolling Stones hyper-ventelation blues!

4/08/2006 11:02 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Would that that had never come to pass. Take care not to upset the delacate balance of nature.

4/09/2006 1:12 AM