That’s the government for you: always cutting corners.
Anyway, that’s when I remembered that I’m a top-tier official at Roboshrub Inc. I have access to thousands of grams of documents that aren’t meant for mortal eyes. Normally I would only use my power of bureaucracy for evil, but this was personal; anything that jeopardized my unbirthday party would be eliminated within the full extent of the law. So I got to work, forcing the various drones at Roboshrub Inc. to pump out the greatest movie ever made. It was a stroke of pure genius on my part, for who would expect me to take the most complicated and inefficient route to achieve my ends? But it worked. After weeks of shameless promotion and scathing reviews, I had a summer blockbuster broadcasting my beautifully crafted face all over the silver screen.
I had to put on 800 kilotons to fit into that outfit.
Perhaps I should explain my gallant plan. You see, by making myself the most famous sentient being in the nation, my birthday will become common knowledge. The result: even the soda jerks and cheese fiends at family fun centers would know when my unbirthday is. Ha! None can dispute the sheer brilliance of that plan!
The day after the big premiere, I stumbled up to Chuckie Cheese’s. I pulled open those so-called “doors” and dragged myself in with a horrific groan. As I looked up, I saw the tattered remnants of what was once the cafeteria.
The whole building was empty, and it looked like a tornado blew through the place. All the chairs were overturned and the ceiling lights were flickering; I heard a puppy whimper under a pile of tangerine crates. The poor creature was trying to gnaw off one of its legs for sustenance. The pitiful canine was almost through the tendon when I scooped it up. “You have nothing to fear, young one. I’m taking you to the best doctor money can-”
That was when the lights started flashing and every one of my friends and relatives and fans and co-workers and enemies jumped out at once. “Happy unbirthday!” they screamed at a temperature of exactly 75 decibels. I was so overjoyed at the response by my extensive fan base that I signed autographs until midnight. We partied so hardy that day that hobos still talk about it to each and every passersby on railroad boxcars. For my voice, they use a combination of Gilbert Gottfried and Joe Pesci. At least that’s what I pay them for.
And a very merry unbirthday to you, you fool!