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Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.

In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department

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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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Sand Smuggling

My first encounter with a sand smuggler occurred when I was a teenage sorcerer. It was the mid-90s, around the time I discovered the art of demonic magicks. School had just let out, and I was walking home. What? You thought I’d take some kind of wizard train, like in Harry Potter? This isn’t Harry Potter! This is real life. It wasn’t a wizard school, either. It was a regular old public middle school. And I didn’t study sorcery, I studied algebra and geography. Being a sorcerer is more of a hobby than a profession until you get to college; then you need to be licensed with the state... but I’m going off on a tangent, aren’t I? Anyway, I was walking home from school that fateful day, and I saw this grimey figure stumbling around in a darkened alley. “Hey kid,” came a raspy voice from the shadows. “You want to buy some... sand?”

“I sometimes sell sand by the seashore.”

“Sand?” I asked, a twinge of excitement in my voice. “Yes, sand,” he continued. “I’ve got a whole box of granular materials here. Sand, silt, granite, basalt... the list goes on and on, kid.” I struck up a conversation with the enigmatic man, only to discover that he was an arenologist, one who studies the science of sand. I called him “The Sandman,” and he quickly became for me what after school specials were for kids who didn’t have an unnatural obsession with sand. He told me glorious stories of his exploits across Europe and Asia, how he went to the most exotic places and collected samples of the world’s most elusive sand. I came back every day to hear more tales and to buy large quantities of sand, which I would incorporate into my spells and potions that required sand. And the colors! Each individual grain of sand shone as if aflame; even the most beautiful rainbow pales in comparison with the grooves and patterns of sand.

He told me of his trek through the Sahara to sample the sandy banks of Ghana.

Then one day I went to hear the ending of a delightful tale describing the Sandman’s fight against the entire Russian army for a cupful of Siberian mountain sand, only to discover no trace of the venerated sage. I felt so betrayed, as if everything I ever pretended to believe in was a lie. Later that night, I heard on the radio that the government was cracking down on people who moved sand across international boundaries illegally. But the customs duties on sand were too high! I could never afford to buy sand legally!

Smugglers moving “precious cargo” across the border.

But the government didn’t care about my horrific experiments, or what they could eventually lead to. The War on Sand was to be the nudge I needed to become part of the seedy geological underbelly of North Überhaven. I set out to avenge my friend and being justice to the masses... by bringing unlicensed sand into the country.

And who would suspect such a lovable scamp?

By the time I was in my mid-twenties, I had a thriving operation running. Over a thousand kilos of pure feldspar was moving across the Mexican border every ten minutes. But my biggest supplier was the Hawaiian syndicate. They practically destroyed Kure Atoll to fill their quota. Once my thirtieth birthday rolled around, I realized that smuggling exotic and beautiful sand from around the world was good for my bank account, but I wasn’t having fun anymore. So I faked my own death and started over as a pool boy in downtown San Diego.

Processing 22×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger Salbert gesticulated...

Yeah, well I live a couple miles from the ocean, I have people sell me sand all the time as if I can't go to the beach....

4/03/2006 9:10 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

Sand smuggling? Why wasn't I informed?

4/03/2006 9:12 PM  
Blogger Karl the Sorcerer gesticulated...

Well, I know how society frowns on this kind of thing.

4/03/2006 9:17 PM  
Blogger sabatkes gesticulated...

Are you now smuggling bottles of sea air????

4/03/2006 10:47 PM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

Little drops of water
Little grains of sand
Make the mighty ocean
And the pleasent land.

What kind of dumb kid would buy anything from a grimy figure in a dark alley. Jeez, you were ripe for the pick'n.

And you became the god-father of the sand trade & built a sand castle. jeez...

Are you interested in some 'Sands of Time'?
Good stuff.
Came out of Leonardo devinchi's hour-glass.

4/03/2006 11:08 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann gesticulated...

I think he should have been selling sea shells by the seashore instead of sand!

4/03/2006 11:57 PM  
Blogger ticharu gesticulated...

I need some sand this year. How much per yard?

4/04/2006 8:48 AM  
Blogger Karl the Sorcerer gesticulated...

Sabatkes: Sea air is for people who put on airs when walking along the seashore.

L>T: Oh, I'm more than just the godfather of sand. I'm the godfather of soul! Skee dee bee dee doo wha!

Lee Ann: If I'd sold seashells by the seashore, I'd be out of business faster than a sidewinding centipede in the summer.

Ticharu: Sand is only sold in three dimensional quantities. A yard is a one dimensional measurement, and as such it costs extra.

4/04/2006 10:16 AM  
Blogger angel, jr. gesticulated...

Are sand smugglers part of the reason that California is sinking into the ocean?

4/04/2006 3:44 PM  
Blogger Karl the Sorcerer gesticulated...

A small part, yes. But more prominent are the UFO beacons embedded in the San Francisco area.

4/04/2006 5:49 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

You've been had! Don't you realize that it's just a naturally occurring, finely divided rock, comprising particles or granules ranging in size from 0.063 to 2 mm?!!

Didn't they make a movie about sand smuggling? Wasn't it called Traffic II, Nerds in Paradise or something?

4/04/2006 6:33 PM  
Blogger Karl the Sorcerer gesticulated...

No... Sandman! Sandman!

4/04/2006 6:40 PM  
Blogger wallycrawler gesticulated...

How did Europe become a continent and a place like Greenland didn't ?

4/04/2006 7:37 PM  
Blogger Karl the Sorcerer gesticulated...

Population density can trump logic and geographical distribution.

4/04/2006 7:52 PM  
Blogger The Taker of Gist gesticulated...

I... need... sand... now!

4/04/2006 9:57 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

Traffic II, Assignment Miami Beach?

4/04/2006 10:09 PM  
Blogger R2K gesticulated...

New Title Quote JUST FOR YOU :)

4/04/2006 11:09 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

You must keep Gist from buying MetaPirate. Whatever he offers...I'll double it.

4/05/2006 12:50 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Title quoted and appropriated.

The slogan array is 7.1% bigger than it was at this time yesterday. Soon it shall be in the Book of World Records!

4/05/2006 8:47 AM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

Hey you!
Karls Jr,

Start shovlin' sand in me blimp, or the waves shall 'cause yer dead body ter float. Yar.

4/05/2006 7:39 PM  
Blogger Karl the Sorcerer gesticulated...

That's just an artist's rendering of myself at an early age.

4/05/2006 7:44 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

North Carolina's Regional Walmart Manager has informed me that Karl Karloffski (aka Karl the Sorcerer) never worked his last scheduled shift.

4/06/2006 10:14 AM