Robertius Flinch: the man, the legend.
What is the Proxi Formula, and why should you
When we began the herculanean task of designing the Proxi Formula, we knew we needed outside assistance. Roboshrub Incorporated just wasn’t and still isn’t equipped to deal with the intangibles and utter malevolence that result from repeated testing of the Formula. We first thought of turning the project over to our Antarctican branch, the Zombietree Trust (ZTIZ on the stock market). But they were less equipped than we, due to the constant budget cuts. Every time the CEO of Roboshrub Inc. buys a new fabriché egg, that money has to come from somewhere. And more often than not, it’s the Zombietree Trust.
Our new nonprofit Proxi Formula contractors.
So then we turned to the nonprofit American Gistological Institute, based in Heartland, USA. Seriously, it’s in a town called Heartland. In Missouri. Or Kansas. All those states tend to blend together when you’re running an international corporation. When we first approached them, they flat out rejected us. But after a few weeks of running negative ads about them on cable and radio, they came around to negotiate. We finally worked out a deal to donate 20% of all our sales to the Gistological Institute for research into the Gist substructure of the universe.
Three months and a slurry of public relations fiascos later, we had our formula. But just what is the Proxi Formula? What can it do for you? The Proxi Formula is so impressive and would have such a world-wide cultural impact that the government has forbidden us from disclosing such sensitive details. In fact, both the CIA and NSA, as well as the Departments of Agriculture, Labor, and Homeland Security, but not the Federal Reserve (strange, isn’t it?), have passed concurrent resolutions shielding them against any lawsuits that stem from the leakage of this product.
“Behold, the Proxi Formula!”
Therefore, in the interest of national security, you can never be told anything about the Proxi Formula, or how it could change your life forever. All we can legally tell you is that it contains dietary supplements and that it can be supersized. Anything else would violate our agreement with the FDA, the FCC, and the PTA.