“Hello, this is Destiny. Is this-”
“This is the Outhouse Collapse Outreach Center. How may I direct your call?”
“I think I have the wrong number...”
“Are you aware that 7% of all thunderboxes collapse within the first three months of construction?”
“I did not know that-”
“Are you a Star Trek fan? Brent Spiner, who portrayed Commander Data in the Star Trek television series was grievously wounded in a massive port-o-john collapse in 2006.”
“I’m pretty sure I have the wrong number.”
“Sir, are you denigrating our foundation?”
“OCOC has renovated thousands of ageing public outhouses worldwide. Have you even used an outhouse?”
The conversation went on like that until Destiny faked going through a tunnel and hung up, leaving me alone and wishing I’d gone with my judge persona. The threat of a county judge popping an ollie on your lawn in his grandson’s monster truck always keeps them on the line.
But I assume that what Destiny was trying to tell me was that it’s been far too long since I updated what was once my greatest creation, Project Velt.
For about a month now, I’ve been in monastic seclusion. Now what could I do with all that time? It came down to two choices: either go down to the river and spend all day punching fish or rebuild Project Velt into what I always hoped it could be. Both were good, but what good is punching fish going to do for my resumé? It’s not like I’m applying for a job on the Pequod. I wanted to create something that everyone could enjoy (not excluding protosapiens), and after about two weeks of constant coding I had just that.
Then I changed the product requirements and spent another three weeks upping the ante, building the pie higher until I arrived at Project Velt 2.0 (now 2.2). (Also as a gratuitously useful Opera Widget!) Project Velt 2.0 is fully compatible with Opera 9+ and Firefox 3+.
Don’t have any idea what I’m talking about? You’re probably that punk kid that’s been tramplin’ on my lawn. Read this walkthrough, ya hooligan!
Fanfare is appreciated but unnecessary. If you wish to thank me, do so in writing on the wall of any outhouse you use. OCOC thoroughly documents its projects.