Dear Sir or Madam:
A recent study by our Environmental/Water Quality Control group has determined the Oxglove County water supply contains mildly high levels of hydrogen. Our group selected eight sewage lines from random parts of Oxglove County, and seven contained as much as 12% hydrogen. Pure hydrogen is extremely toxic and as a chemical, very dangerous. And we are obligated by state and federal law to disclose this information to the public.
This is not simply a municipal problem, affecting city water only but not other sources. Private wells are also prone to hydrogen buildup, due to seepage of hydrogen hydroxide from old or damaged skeptic tanks. Another molecule, which is indistinguishable from but much more foreboding than, hydrogen hydroxide is dihydrogen monoxide. Molecules of this type bond together due to their polar nature, and in the winter may freeze and cause damage to pipe and plumbing infrastructures of the house.
Dihydrogen monoxide has been given a reactivity rating of one by the J.T.Baker SAF-T-DATA™ labels system. J.T. Baker is a reliable, venerated organization relied upon by members of the scientific community for chemical safety information. Reactivity is one of four safety metrics J.T. Baker takes, it measures of a substance’s ability to “explode or react violently with air, water or other substances” and we urge all citizens to purchase a dihydrogen monoxide detector for their own protection. Dihydrogen monoxide if unrecognized in humans with early detection stages, may cause addiction and extreme thirst.
If you feel listless or feel dizzy, contact a doctor immediately with a portable telephone, as landline wires may touch pipes that carry the hydrogen-containing water.
Thank you for your time.
Office of Lou Tintarello
Oxglove County Environmental Council
“Oxglove County — It’s a Habitable Place”
A recent study by our Environmental/Water Quality Control group has determined the Oxglove County water supply contains mildly high levels of hydrogen. Our group selected eight sewage lines from random parts of Oxglove County, and seven contained as much as 12% hydrogen. Pure hydrogen is extremely toxic and as a chemical, very dangerous. And we are obligated by state and federal law to disclose this information to the public.
This is not simply a municipal problem, affecting city water only but not other sources. Private wells are also prone to hydrogen buildup, due to seepage of hydrogen hydroxide from old or damaged skeptic tanks. Another molecule, which is indistinguishable from but much more foreboding than, hydrogen hydroxide is dihydrogen monoxide. Molecules of this type bond together due to their polar nature, and in the winter may freeze and cause damage to pipe and plumbing infrastructures of the house.
Dihydrogen monoxide has been given a reactivity rating of one by the J.T.Baker SAF-T-DATA™ labels system. J.T. Baker is a reliable, venerated organization relied upon by members of the scientific community for chemical safety information. Reactivity is one of four safety metrics J.T. Baker takes, it measures of a substance’s ability to “explode or react violently with air, water or other substances” and we urge all citizens to purchase a dihydrogen monoxide detector for their own protection. Dihydrogen monoxide if unrecognized in humans with early detection stages, may cause addiction and extreme thirst.
If you feel listless or feel dizzy, contact a doctor immediately with a portable telephone, as landline wires may touch pipes that carry the hydrogen-containing water.
Thank you for your time.
Office of Lou Tintarello
Oxglove County Environmental Council
“Oxglove County — It’s a Habitable Place”
I am feeling listless & dizzy.
However, I think it's from the 7 shots of espresso & 14 chocolate cupcakes I just voraciously consumed.
MUST
...
NOT
...
PUKE
...
on my keyboard
It's all your fault Gyro!!!
Your scrawling successfully secretes your subliminal semiologist sexiness!
*gasp*
Who knew?!!?
I hear dihydrogen monoxide is really dangerous, it can cause severe burns, erodes the landscape, and shorts electrical lines. Fish pee in it, too.
Those damaged skeptic tanks are a concern. We can never allow skeptics to seep into the surrounding environment. There will be no questioning of our regime *cocks pump action shotgun*
I feel dizzy some...and a little lethargic! Ugh...still feels like Monday!
Have a great week.
~xo
Lee Ann
Just give it to me straight. Am I going to die?
@Jin: The more you say it, the truer it gets.
@Jon: It also enables bacteria growth.
@Rich: Methinks there was a double entendre in there somewhere.
@Lee Ann: Every day is a Monday. Every. Single. Day.
@Handmaiden: Sometime in the next 100 years.
Criminys! If you say it, it must be true.
Here's another question: Is there any chance I'm going to win the lottery some time soon?
I see a lot of money somewhere.
how annoyingly vague.
Depressing.
Uh oh, I drink about 8 glasses worth of dihydrogen monoxide a day!