Oxglove County Tribune, VOTE '07

Following the recent skydiving death of Oxglove County Executive Cheryll Lampson, the seat for the county’s most powerful executive position is up for grabs. The rumor mill is buzzing, and over 200 candidates are already on the ballot. The most controversial of these, Lou Tintarello, formally threw his hat into the ring last Tuesday. Tintarello has had a long and checkered career in the public and private sectors, bringing with him decades of experience and a pro-infrastructure agenda. Although we can’t print the hundreds of letters both in support of, and in opposition to, Mr. Tantarello, we are able to print the first eight that were mailed.

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Tintarello Can Solve Grave Issue
Dear Editor:

Folks, it’s time to wake up and smell the gangrene. Our county’s graveyards have been overflowing since Bottletown started burying people sideways in 2002. It’s disgraceful, and the only regrets I feel over [County Executive] Cheryll Lampson’s sudden death are that she won’t be among the burgeoning army of dead bodies that drive down the value of my property — she was cremated and received a proper burial at sea — and that we didn’t run her out of town on a rail when the first homeless guy was crammed in a grave upside down.

I’ve always been an outspoken proponent for the rights of the deceased, as my family lives right next to the Bottletown cemetery (which has been closed to city residents since 2003) and I am in frequent contact with cadavers. Despite my constant stream of letters to “Tammany Hall,” my kids have had to stand in a pool of pus and gore while waiting for their school bus every day! Now, I’ve read over Lou Tintarello’s proposal for a Corpse Reclamation Center, and based on what I’ve read about him in the Tribune and the Times Herald Record, I believe he is sincere in his desire to solve our county’s thanatological crisis. Please, when you step into the satin-lined voting booth that so closely resembles a coffin, please, please vote for the candidate most adept at corpse removal.

Isaac DeMort
Funerary Director Emeritus, Child Psychologist
Bottletown

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Tintarello Ran Garbage Cartel
Dear Editor:

Not many people are willing to speak openly about the real Lou Tintarello. I am only one of the people Tintarello’s greed and ambition has hurt, but there are undoubtedly hundreds of others still too afraid to come forward. For four years, my husband came home every day with more gray hairs than he left home with, worried that our phones were being tapped. We stopped going out, and if the pizza delivery boy wasn’t the usual guy, “Chester” would wave around a hunting rifle and yell in Russian until he left. Our house was vandalized repeatedly during a period of 18 months starting in March 2001, mere days after Tintarello was practically thrown off the National Board of Landfill Ecology.

My husband was also a member of NBLE at the time, and up until February 28, 2001, part of Tintarello’s syndicate. He’d been an undercover informant for the FBI since 1997 when Tintarello saw him disarm and decapitate and assassin sent by the CIA, who were more than willing to provide help. By the time “Chester” and I were put into witness protection, my husband was diverting millions from state coffers to Tintarello’s offshore tax shelter, and Al Turi’s landfill had become a mass grave. Thanks to what we had been funneling to the FBI, Tintarello was positively linked to a number of disreputable scrap metal dealers, all of whom are now facing criminal prosecution. The only reason he wasn’t charged with anything was because George Bush had recently been sworn in as president, and many critical Justice Department documents, including the Tintarello case files, were “accidentally” lost during the transition. So before you step into the booth on August 20, remember: I had to send this letter by carrier pigeon from a moving vehicle because of Lou Tintarello.

Jane Roe
Profession Withheld
Bunker 59

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Tintarello’s No Pipe Dream
Dear Editor:

First off, I would like to thank the Tribune’s staff for its exceptional reporting over the years. My name is Dominick Capomagi, and I would like to explain to the Tribune’s readers why I support Lou Toro Tintarello.

The first time I met Lou, I wasn’t all that impressed. He was cocky, a college grad with a still-warm Engineering B.S. from some ivy-league school, and Al Turi had just hired him as a sanitation advisor. We worked the same hours, and for two months I showed him the ropes, helping him get the hang of running and maintaining an actual landfill. Although he started out with a superiority complex, he became so adept at processing new shipments that I would occasionally hide in the bushes outside our office, watching him “sink or swim.” Every time he was left to his own devices, Lou performed admirably, and Al Turi and I heaped more and more responsibilities on him until he was practically running the place. That was about the time the New York Corps of Sanitation Engineers took a shine to him and made him their New York Sanitizer’s United Chairman in 1983. He moved downstate to head the Nassau chapter for almost a decade.

When Lou Tintarello moved back to Orange County in 1995 to become a NBLE New York liaison, I urged him to keep Al Turi’s landfill open in accordance to the (now deceased) man’s wishes, and he managed to do so until his heart condition precipitated him resignation from the board in 2001. It was around this time that a “hippie cabal” took over the county governments of Orange, Oxglove and Ulster counties, instituting a series of dump closings and causing a short-term garbage deficit.

While the citizens of Orange and Ulster counties have voted these incompetent ideologues out, Oxglove’s Cheryll Lampson continued to push — despite the thousands of complaints and double-blind studies proving that these programs didn’t work — such inane policies as the Imperial Gardens Sewage-2-Food program and the ill-fated Sweitzer Lake Hotdog Tree Farm. North Oxglove’s sewer system has been completely neglected since Lampson was elected, and manholes are turning into sinkholes. In the words of Lou Tintarello himself, “it’s time we stopped reelecting pedagogic powder-kegs of anti-populism” and put someone at the top of the executive totem pole who won’t stick to the same crackpot programs that Soviet Russia rejected as “idiotic.” Thank you.

Dom Capomagi
Tintarello Campaign Manager
Goshen, Orange County

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No Animal Magnetism
Dear Editor:

Something’s fishy in Oxglove county, but I can’t quite put my paw on it. Oh, that’s right — I must be thinking of the Lou Tintarello candidacy. Tintarello’s cronies have been spreading rumors about Corpse Reclamation Centres and stronger cooperation with the Canadian Pipeline Authority (the CPA has much more stringent guidelines than its U.S. counterpart), but is there anything more important in a county executive candidate than his/her love of animals?

Cheryll Lampson didn’t care mush (sic) for animals. Cells United released about eight live melanistic cougars inside the Sweitzer Lake Post Office, and Lampson didn’t hesitate to call in animal control with their beanbag bullets and Kevlar vests. Those poor cougars might have broken their teeth while defending themselves from their human oppressors! Perhaps if Lampson had given more tender love and care to the animal kingdom, a flocks of wild turkeys would have found the wherewithal to spread their wings and soar to her rescue as she plummeted through the clouds.

But dissatisfaction with Lampson doesn’t automatically translate into Tintarello support. My life promotion group has several damaging photos of what could have been the Route 38 Wilderness Preserve before and after Mr. Tintarello broke ground there for his children’s hospital — which is in itself scandalous. Are tumors not alive? Do tumors not bleed when cut? — in ’94. Over fifty trees were slaughtered out of sheer malice, including a Sarasota Pine that I cared for dearly. I’ll never be able to look at another pine tree without feeling that loss.

My organization, and our allies in the county legislature, cannot support a man who would casually chop down a perfectly healthy pine tree without its consent, and who, over many decades, has leveraged his position as a “sanitation guru” to commit mass moneran genocide in the name of human supremacy. This isn’t 1906 anymore. We need to move forward as a planet, not a specie.

Zena Barbital
Chaircreature, Cellular Constructs United
Route 38 W.

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Tintarello A Fraud?
Dear Editor:

In 1999, the Tribune published an opinion piece on the Colpax Petroleum Anti-Tax Amendment, hailing it as a revolutionary piece of counterculture legislation. It passed the New York State Assembly in September 2000 and less than six months later over 30 new tax-free refineries were established in Redshaw county. Yes, the Colpax amendment revitalized nearby Route 38’s failing steampunk industry, but the bill’s authors and its proponents failed to realize that many of the new Ethanol/Petroleum refineries would be built along the Olathe riverbanks. Leakage and improper waste dumping from the new plants has lowered the pH of Loch Olathe, which the Olathe River flows into, to levels on par with the atmosphere of Venus. Lou Tintarello was the primary consultant on “Route 38 Restoration” and I hold him personally responsible for the severe damage these plants have had on Redshaw’s (formerly) beautiful, unspoilt environment.

Lou Tintarello always said “if you know a better way to make bread, become a baker.” I may not be an iconic sanitation engineer with decades of experience, but I majored in environmental studies at Cambridge and later worked as a technician in an Ethanol Compressor. And I can tell you that contrary to the testimony Mr. Tintarello gave the New York Petroleum Commission, ethanol refineries should not and more importantly cannot be built adjacent to moving water. The fact that Tintarello suggested this as an official recommendation and not as an offhand joke seriously calls into question the qualifications of all the so-called “experts” who give testimony to the Petroleum Commission and all state agencies in general. The onus on our governor to fire all officials who catered to Tintarello’s incompetence, and the Assembly to actually enforce the 1991 Truth in Testifying Act.

As if to highlight my point, the Petroleum Regulatory Board just conducted a full analysis of the new Colpax plants. Of the 30 plants, 28 have extremely weak foundations, as any competent engineer would predict. Within the year they will almost certainly fall into the river, blocking the Olathe and flooding most of Redshaw. The two plants that aren’t poised to go the way of Atlantis haven’t even been built yet! Their construction funds seem to have mysteriously evaporated, but the books say otherwise.

Justice must be served; Lou Tintarello should be penalized to the full extent of the law for this heinous breach of public trust, and stripped of his engineering degree and blackbelt. And everyone who railed for Colpax should be strung up by their heels.

Maya Fairbanks
Professor of Akkadian Phoenitics, SUNY Oxglove
Warwick 2.0, Redshaw County

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Republicans Can Do Better
Dear Editor:

Lou Tintarello isn’t a Republican. He’s never been to an Oxglove county Republican party meeting, and I doubt he’s ever voted for a Republican. So why is he running as one?

I’m a red-blooded American through and through. On January 21, 1981, I legally changed my name to Ronald Reagan and had people call my “Mister President” for eight wonderful years. I support whatever policies George Bush says will work because he’s always had my back, and I’ve been passing a petition around North Oxglove that would urge Congress to amend the constitution to abolish the United States senate just to prevent Hillary Clinton and Jim Carrey from serving as senators. I never liked Hillary, even before she carpetbagged her way onto New York’s ballots — just like Lou Tintarello is doing right now. He’s never lived in Oxglove. He doesn’t know anything about our culture, about the salt-of-the-earth folks who turned Oxglove from a prison camp into a thriving metropolis in less than a hundred years.

Our county’s crime rate is over double the rate of New Hampshire, Kansas, and Florida minus the old people district combined. And what’s Lou Tintarello’s solution to our crime wave? Build more landfills? The man’s got a rose-tinted world-view, and in a place like Oxglove that could get a man shanked in the gut. Doped-out college punks with greased hair and leather jackets are roaming our neighborhoods unimpeded. They’re defacing public monuments, holding nightly gang fights, and booming their ungodly be-atles music across town!

If I was county executive, I’d throw the whole lot into the slammer and throw away the key. If Lou Tintarello was county executive, he’d read them all bedtime stories while they razed Oxglove to the ground. I admire the man personally, the way he stood up to the National Board of Landfill Ecology, saying he couldn’t support such an egregious violation of state rights, even if it got him fired. At the Republican party Independence Barbecue, (the only party function he ever attended) Lou Tintarello even said, “I don’t stand on my record because my record isn’t something I stand on. I stand on my convictions, and if your convictions are weak, you don’t belong in government.” Thank you, Lou. You’ve never made more sense.

Mick Satchel
Evolutionary Biologist
Imperial Gardens

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Tintarello A Godsend
Dear Editor:

Illusions both of the mind and of purposeful organic misdirection surround us. People opposed to Lou Tintarello’s candidacy are obviously members of a Supreme Ecclesiastical Orthodoxy, afraid that their parishioners would abandon them once Doctor Tintarello’s divine mandates are publicly revealed, ashamed that their life’s work in the name of anti-Helionics is a filthy hoax. Lou Tintarello is a fully accredited Doctor of Divinity and many of his actions would merit recompense and sainthood.

This is no prank; I truly believe that Lou Tintarello has been touched by the Hand of God, placed on this Earth to guide us to paradise. From 1994-95, Doctor Tintarello held weekly healing seminars under a refurbished carnival tent out behind the Lexiconington strip mall. I attended every week, and I saw him cure Alzheimer’s, excise grapefruit-sized tumors, and regrow missing limbs. He even revived a child who died in a boating accident, but made it clear that he wasn’t trying to usurp the Mantle of Heaven; we tore down a shrine secretly built for him, at his personal request. Never before or since have I met someone with Lou Tintarello’s inner strength or purity of self-character.

Tintarello only stopped healing because it was God’s will, that he reign over the tabernacle of national landfill ecology and make the world safer for people to practice their own personal religious and Helionic tendencies. Anyone who votes against him is spitting in God’s eye and condemning our county to famine and pestilence. The streets of Bottletown are already brimming with corpses — perhaps too many among you are not true believers?

Sid Gereth Finnigan
Eschatological Theorist, Church of Helionic Tendency
Village of Lexiconington

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Lou Cleaned Up Al Turi
Dear Editor:

Before Lou Tintarello ran the Al Turi landfill, it was a dump. The Japanese tycoons that bought it from Al Turi in 1974 weren’t willing to follow the American Waste Management Committee’s already lax guidelines on serious garbage shortages. Unsurprisingly, Orange County faced a loss of over two thousand tons of solid waste just one year later. Redshaw’s many in-ground swimming pools became makeshift dumping grounds for Orange’s surplus rubbish, and many families were forced to trade in their cars and vans for steamrollers, just to get down the street. My parents could no longer afford to have relatives visit because of the shame living in Redshaw conferred at that time, and I never got to meet my grandfather.

Lou Tintarello changed all that, almost from the minute he took over. With almost divine inspiration, he darn near rewrote the New York Waste Disposal Code to divert all future garbage to a New Jersey barge. Then he had a horde of garbage trucks — all recently painted and with galvanized hubcaps — blow through Oxglove and Orange, and Redshaw, and haul 160 tons of waste from our rivers and alleyways. For the first time in many of our lives, we saw the pavement — and it was black! Many of us suspected the road was actually brown, just like the garbage that covered it. And grass! I didn’t believe that anything green could survive in nature, I thought that the tropical rain forests were myths. But seeing plants actually growing in Redshaw county soil; Lou Tintarello gave us our dignity back. There’s not a child in Redshaw that didn’t grow up hearing Tintarello’s name, and Oxglove would be crazy to turn down his leadership.

Igor Glazastik
Textile Interoperability Expert
Olathe Head, Redshaw County

Editorial Cartoon

Caption: “Net Neutrality? Good Riddance!”