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Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.

In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department

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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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We’re Number 2!

“Get ready to jump for it.”

I braced my knees and steadied m’back. It was an old tradition, but one I looked forward to whenever I was at one of these things.

“Catch!” Roboshrub screamed, tossing his birthday cake over his right shoulder.

Happy second birthday!
Now begins the terrible twos!

With my fists, yes my fists, with those fists of mine, I punched away at the closest party-goers.

“That cake is mine!” I bellowed at the top of my lungs. Brushing past a 13th century Japanese feudal warlord, I grappled with a 13-year-old sentient meatloaf before finally reverse-somersaulting and accidentally karate-kicking the cake into 13 identical slices. I’m feeling lucky!

“I know who’s having the next birthday!” someone in the crowd called. I ignored the voice and rubbed cake in my eyes, just like my ancestors did in the olden days.

Honestly, I couldn’t have pictured a better birthday party. In two full years, Roboshrub Inc. has done so much to ensure the future of humanity: we’ve aired the grievances of Oxglove County, put a prairie dog on the moon, wiped the long-horses from history, fixed that crack in the Liberty Bell, ended a minor war between Morocco and Guam, and merged Canada, Mexico, and the United States with Viking Disco as the national anthem.

And we did it all for less than minimum wage.

“I just wanted you to know,” Evil King Robo-Bob Dole told me during the fireworks display, “I had a great time.”

That threw me off a little. “Huh?! I thought I condemned you to eternal compression in the Burning Sub-Blogosphere or something to that effect.”

“Yeah, we had a bit of a tuffle-”

“Who uses the word ‘tuffle?!’ You sick freak!”

“Not in front of the kids,” the King said, pointing to three little toddlers crowding around his base.

“You’re stealing kids now?!”

“No. After you started ignoring me, I joined OneStar’s genocidal rampage against Canada. But once I laid eyes on that frozen tundra, I knew I’d finally found paradise. So I started a family there and became a forest ranger.”

The Dole family
The fat one’s too fat to fight.

“And what became of OneStar? Did he manage to completely conquer northern New Vikingland?”

Bob Dole took a deep breath by pulling air in through his nose, struggling to remember. “No, the Canadians took a page from the Russians’ book and retreated north. Once winter came, OneStar’s troops were ill-equipped and had to go south. But the Wisconsin Militia was waiting for them...”

“Why Captain Metabeard! I haven’t seen you in months!”

Completely ignoring Bob Dole yet again, I waddled over to the venerable psychic pirate. Although he’s worked here for some 80 years, I still know very little about the enigmatic man. Some say his mama was from the future and his papa was also from the future, and a pirate.

“Arrrr! How be ye, English?” He bowed.

This was new. “Are you Amish? I wouldn’t have asked, but the only time I’d ever heard anyone call someone ‘English,’ they were Amish. Or actors portraying Amish people. Or fans of ‘the football.’”

“Nay, but this be how all the kids talk in the 2020’s.”

I was truly impressed that he’d risk creating a temporal paradox by revealing information about future events. “What else did you see when you were in the future? Was it stocks? Did you see some good stocks?”

“Put all your money in gnome-guards/apple harnesses.”

This is gold!

“Scusarme per un momento,” I grabbed a chubby kid and sat him in front of the pirate. “But I have to go chase some squirrels. Talk to this fat kid.”
I could still hear the Viking rock and roll, but out on the balcony it was muffled to the point of extinction. It felt good to breathe in the salty mountain air.

Here’s to another year, I thought, dropping a penny over the railing.

*Fade to black*

And many more!
And many more!

Processing 16×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger jin gesticulated...

"reverse-somersaulting and accidentally karate-kicking the cake into 13 identical slices"

If only I could do that.....





I'd be on the Food Network!


6/23/2007 4:40 AM  
Anonymous Rich gesticulated...

My favourite part was when we blew up Australia with a giant mechanical badger... ahhhhhh... the memories... the vapourisation... the eclectic battle hymns sung to honour the fallen vending machines of the past.

Happy 2 to you.

6/24/2007 11:52 PM  
Anonymous L>T gesticulated...

Loved it!

Here's to many many more!

Now bend over so i can give you your birthday present, ERRR...spanking. ;]

6/25/2007 10:44 AM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

-wipes tear from eye-

Ah I remember those genocidal days of OneStar.


6/27/2007 1:39 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

Happy birthday and many more.

Here's to two more years of your incerdible antics.

6/30/2007 1:46 PM  
Anonymous Bob Dole gesticulated...

If bob dole could use 4th person language to mark this occasion, bob dole would.

7/01/2007 7:57 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

That wasn't me. I'm serious dude. What? No I told you it wasn't me dude. Listen gotta stop accusing me of this. What did you call me? No I don't think violence is an appropriate way of.... HEY! PUT DOWN THE KNIFE! Oh God No!....

This is how Harry Potter ends.

7/02/2007 2:49 PM  
Blogger R2K gesticulated...


7/03/2007 7:01 AM  
Blogger flatlander gesticulated...

Many happy returns, Roboscrubbers!
Returns to the video store, that is.

Our records indicate that your copy of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is 14 months overdue.

Please return said item and approximately 14 005 and 1/2 Ritz box toppers to Rocco's Seven Star Variety.

And a happy bird-day to you!

7/15/2007 4:17 PM  
Blogger R2K gesticulated...

I love your profile link! : )

Did you grow up in Brooklyn?

7/15/2007 10:07 PM  
Anonymous Rich gesticulated...

I know you're alive... I can hear your internal gears grinding...

7/16/2007 11:55 PM  
Blogger Superman gesticulated...

I was wondering if you would like to join this little competiton I'm hosting. At

If so You can join by emailing

7/19/2007 10:49 AM  
Blogger GrasshopperBoy gesticulated...

the cake..i want
hello :)

7/22/2007 3:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous gesticulated...

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7/30/2007 12:54 AM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...

I didn't know Gyrobo was a veteran.

Thank you for your service, sir.

7/30/2007 7:16 PM  
Blogger Mahndisa S. Rigmaiden gesticulated...

08 0 07

Well dones guys, Gyrobo your creative chip is awesome. Perhaps I can order one for my robot unit. What was your chip's manufactorer again? heheheh

8/01/2007 10:34 AM