Weathering the Blogstorm

For countless weeks, I’ve told you all that Roboshrub Inc. would never cave to the utter depravity of what the accursed Google Cardboard People call “Der New Blogger.” I’ve seen dozens of blogs fall before the corporate onslaught, their comments wrent asunder, their most cherished members... lost or... merged amid the mass upgrade hysteria. We managed to stay above the fray by keeping Roboshrub himself out of the mix: if the one who created the blog is incommunicado, the upgrade cannot be pushed. Makes sense to you? It did to us, and we love logic almost as much as Mac users love Linux. It was our grand plan, our destiny to remain on the old Blogger for all eternity; the server was finally ours for the taking!

But all this time—when we thought we were safe—Blogger was actually plotting against us. After systematically forcing our fellow bloggers to upgrade, they finally done did it. They pushed the upgrade on everyone.

Blogs that died years ago are now sporting the new iFrame-based navbar at the top of their pages. And (hah!) in a flagrant display (piff!) of cowardice, the Blogger Buzz site (link) still has the “classic” navbar they’ve denied to millions. Where are your highfalutin ideals now, Blogger?! I guess all that talk about a cyber-utopia was just that; talk. Do those Cardboarders over at the Googleplex have any idea how many minutes it took me to fix my code after their forced upgrade?! And do they even care, those barrel-chested, backwards-faced filter-heads who didn’t bother to tell anyone that this blog was updated?

It’s a miracle that we got the old navbar back up and running. This whole ordeal has been worse than that time George Bush revealed the ending to the sixth Harry Potter book in his last State of the Union Address. He was in the middle of talking about Iraq, and then wham. “Dumbledore dies.” Simple as that, it was the day my childhood truly ended, and why I can never watch CNN again.

So... now that we’re on the new Blogger, we can’t put javascript in our posts anymore (not that we did, but we could’ve. Now we can’t), we can’t edit our comments to include pictures, that post we made a year ago that deleted wrong and was frozen in time is gone, and my avatar is all squished. But, you know, buck up. Smile. Life’s too short to let the Google and their spiders get your goat.

With the new Blogger, why, republishing is instantaneous! That means... oh, Sweet Glavin! I can do everything I ever wanted to do, but didn’t have the room or time for! Bless you, Google, for your benevolence! I love the Google!