Mirror Universe Times
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK— Following up on his most popular campaign promise, Archduke Eliot Spitzer assembled the State Imperial Guard today in preparation for a full-scale assault on Montpelier.
“The citizens of the great state of New York have endured Vermont’s squandering of our birthright for centuries,” Spitzer told reporters at the state-run Press Bureau. “And Douglas’ abject failure to put down the Dean loyalists jeopardizes the security of the entire Northeast.”
Public sentiment for an invasion of the Green Mountain State has been mounting since 2003, when then-Burgomaster Howard Dean conquered large swathes of upstate New York, including the old capital at Albany, in a failed presidential succession attempt. The striking inability of George Pataki to adequately defend the state’s capital, his subsequent capture and execution, and the ritualistic plundering of Albany by Vermont militiamen have all contributed to the declining upstate economy. Although a federal task force subdued the ambitious Dean, the Supreme Court ruled that Vermont was permitted to retain his captured territories under Article IV, Section III of the Constitution.
“That verdict was an insult to the Empire State and the widow Pataki,” the insatiable municipal juggernaut fired back when asked about the ruling. “After we subjugate Montpelier, I look forward to putting Chief Justice Scalia in my personal Agony Booth.”