That was a million years ago; today, the Phoenicians are thought of fondly as the inventors of the toupee. They weren’t an inherently violent people, the Phoenicians... but they were highly unusual for an ancient near eastern culture. For one thing, they didn’t have a king! A whole bunch o’ royal families vied for control of Phoenicia’s paper mines in a series of brutal civil wars, depleting the land of vowels and consonants. This completely demoralized the commoners, who worshiped multiple symbol-based deities. Phoenicia’s archaic system of letter-worship is still practiced today on such television programs as Sesame Street; common Phoenician battle chants were “[t]oday’s conquest brought to you by Anath, goddess of war” and “[d]eath to Kermit!”
Another group of belligerent blowhards that started with the letter “P” were the Philistines. Despite having reptilian DNA and quasi-Mycenean architecture, the Philistines were never able to conquer the neighboring Hebrew kingdoms. Although the Hebrews had a single king, they were not truly a national power until King Solomon revolutionized Mediterranean civilization with his invention of the internal combustion engine. The first tactician to use armored cars in combat, Solomon flayed the Philistine kingdom and destroyed their culture so absolutely that we still make fun of the pathetic Philistines today, what with their frilly sandals and all. But when Solomon died, his control over the Hebrew kingdom went with him; successors just couldn’t follow his orders to “let it alone.” Unfortunate fools! For just as the Hebrews were going into remission, a budding flower of doom was sprouting on nearby soil- the Assyrians.
Years of fighting the Egyptians and Hittites over trivial things such as “whose shadow be longer” turned the Assyrians into a well-oiled war machine. They attacked their neighbors with impunity, returning annually to cities they’d already conquered to reconquer them “just for fun.” Sociologists have managed to trace this aggression to violent pottery art. Unlike other ancient near eastern people, not only were the Assyrians’ gods real, but they actually showed up on a regular basis and traded with them. After a recent archaeological dig in subspace, we believe these “gods” were in fact an advanced extraterrestrial race known as the AMOK, and that they were collecting data on humanity for a future invasion. Thanks a lot, Assyrians.