The Book of Parthenogenesis

Officially sanctioned by the First Church of Tax Exempt Status.

• In the beginning, there was nothing.
• Then He appeared, out of nowhere, and realized where He was.
• And that location was the universe.
• He knew it was the first day, since the digital wristwatch on his hand included a calendar; and on that first day He created matter to occupy the universe, out of the energy latent in his very own beard.
• Beardless and lonely, He punched a series of plasma clouds until they could stand it no longer, and thus the sun was born.
• At first He was unsure of the nature of his creation, and tried to put people directly on the sun.
• It ended badly.
• Seized by a compulsion to use His powers to build majestic landscapes that could be admired from space (which is where He lived), He stuck a gargantuan finger in His ear and from that wax sculpted eight perfect planets of varying size; a series of sneezes resulted in two rings of snot around the sun, which coalesced into the asteroid and Kuiper belts, respectively.
• That was the first day; on the second, He went to the third planet and created mountains and oceans and birds and trees and the free market.
• By the third day He was exhausted and decided to finish the other planets later.
• On the seventh day, He decided the other planets just “weren’t worth the trouble” and used genetic engineering to turn a field of algae into the first humans to do the terraforming for him; but the humans were flawed.
• They were morons.
• So He buried a bunch of dinosaur bones just to mess with them, and He’s never been seen in person since.