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In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
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Roboshrub Inc.
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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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10.05.2006

Dennis Hastert Arrested For Cannibalism

The families of half a dozen young men found closure today when authorities released x-rays of the Speaker of the House of Representatives’ colon, exposing the half-dissolved skeletons of what may be several missing congressional pages. Some of the pages have been missing since 2002, when Hastert began to gain weight at what statisticians calculate at “a staggering 50 to 60 pounds per week.” Aides of the venerable congressman are expected to be brought up on charges that they willfully ignored key indications that their boss had eaten the minors, such the over-abundance of barbecue sauce and playstation magazines in Hastert’s Washington D.C. office.

Dennis Hastert and his magical Q-Tip
Dennis “Fatty” Hastert, and the Committee for the Enhancement of Obesity

“This is the worst breach of the public’s trust I’ve seen since Tom deLay maliciously desecrated a wishing well last year,” Justice Department attorney and noted immortal Gregor Bantägh told Routers. “This is the kind of thing you’d expect from... I don’t know... maybe... you know, some third world country. Maybe North Korea.”

Ironically, experts believe that Hastert was caught because he stopped eating more pages. “We saw that there were way too many pages at the beginning of the fall 2006 session,” Senator McCain reported in a confidential e-mail strapped to the leg of a carrier pigeon. “So we went back, over the last ten years, and found out that a surprisingly high percentage of pages had fallen off the face of the Earth after being assigned Hastert detail.”

Republican strategists remain optimistic, predicting a 50 seat gain in the midterm elections next month. “But you know what we really need to focus on?” asks Grover Norquist. “Iraq. Let’s get back to Iraq.”

Processing 19×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

Is the cotton swab a Monkey Island Reference? The cannibals owned a giant cotton swab, although Herman Toothrot never gave it back after they borrowed his banana picker.

10/05/2006 10:14 PM  
Blogger Vote McDougal gesticulated...

So wait... Canibalism is something that people don't want in an elected official?? Oh shit... We may be in trouble here.

10/05/2006 11:07 PM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

The giant cotton swab sure scares the hell out of me. I'd hate to be chased down the street with that thing.

10/05/2006 11:23 PM  
Anonymous Rich gesticulated...

I think I'm missing something...

10/06/2006 12:50 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

It's simple- the man second in line in the succession to the presidency of the United States has been outed as a cannibal.

I can't break it down any more basic than that without reviving Mr. Rogers from the grave and putting him in a pink leotard.

10/06/2006 10:14 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

Ah, so much for the "family values" party. There all a bunch of freaks and cannibals! Cannibals I say!

10/06/2006 1:13 PM  
Anonymous Lord Jim gesticulated...

Aaarrrr! I wish I had me one of those cotton thingies the last time Flatlander told me to swab the deck!

10/06/2006 2:52 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier gesticulated...

I don't know why everyone is so suprised. Humans are omnivores, you know.

10/07/2006 3:47 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...


I groveled and the bee stung me.

10/07/2006 4:50 PM  
Blogger Monkey gesticulated...

I thought he was getting ready to do a pap smear.

10/08/2006 5:33 PM  
Anonymous Rich gesticulated...

Ooooh, I see! Why doesn't he just eat the person who is 1st in line in the succession to the presidency. I mean, if you can't beat em, eat em.

10/09/2006 1:15 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

He would have, but Dick Cheney has become too powerful during his dormancy period to digest properly.

10/09/2006 11:21 AM  
Blogger jin gesticulated...

"It takes all kinds of critters, to make Farmer Vincent fritters!"

10/09/2006 7:38 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

Motel Hell!

nidrg

10/10/2006 8:29 AM  
Blogger R2K gesticulated...

I knew it.

10/10/2006 10:28 AM  
Blogger angel, jr. gesticulated...

I thought canabalism only happened during crashes.

10/11/2006 9:48 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Donner Party!

10/11/2006 6:32 PM  
Blogger jin gesticulated...

*jin is giggling uncontrollably after seeing that cartoon*

10/11/2006 8:23 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

It's a great comic.

10/11/2006 8:33 PM