"Astrobiologists will rue the day they refused to put me on their speed dials, my boy. Today is a good day to destroy mass!"
"But why must all mass in the universe be destroyed?"
"Because," the professor told me, "the universe is going to collapse anyway, eventually. All we're doing here is making sure that when it happens, there's no mess. No mass, no mess. Ipso fatso."
"That's very interesting."
It was a luke-warm May night, and my antivirus software had just expired. The sun was setting, casting purple shadows all about the gray observatory walls. I glanced over at my mentor, Professor Faust. The man was more than just a comparative planetologist; he was a mad scientist obsessed with finding a way to convert matter into energy. Ever since he started playing eXtreme Checkers, the notion of a universe composed of pure energy captivated his every waking moment.
"But why is it so important that there be no matter left in the universe? From what I've heard, the universe is constantly expanding. How could it-"
"Fool! Have you not heard a single word I've said?! Did you just forget my lectures?! This isn't summer camp anymore!" he roared. I could tell he was about to put on his game face.
"Professor, you're starting to lose touch with reality."
"Am I now?!"
He ran over to the experimental Matter Decoupler and started pressing buttons, seemingly at random. The machine let off a buzz and began pulsing. I could hear the reactor hum at progressively higher frequencies.
"Professor, what have you done?!"
"I've taken the first step in a complex process that will result in the end of this universe. Can you say the same? I thought not!" he laughed diabolically.
"An end to the universe? That sounds very inconvenient! How will it affect the value of my property?"
The room started to twist into all kinds of bizarre colors, some of which I'd never seen before. It was so... beautiful... walls turning into slime... all mass in the universe... melting...
That was when I woke up, covered in a layer of papier-mâché. This happens every time a new Opera beta comes out. Seriously, what's up with those widgets?!