“Mr. Gyrobo, is it true that you’ve accepted Drone #389723’s challenge?”
“Mr. Gyrobo, Drone #389723 says you ain’t got the courage to face ’im. What say you?”
“Get these bums outta here!” Karl Überdale snarled, pointing at the gaggle of reporters surrounding me. Suddenly, the ground started to shake. As if the building was over a volcano, the floor split open, releasing four grotesque monstrosities. The monsters grabbed at the screaming journalists, dragging them down into the fire pit from whence they came.
“Hey, Karl, I don’t know if I’m ready to take on the Drone.”
“Don’t worry Gyrobo. I gots faith in ya. Yer a wreckin’ machine!”
“Ain’t nobody gonna mess with my main man!”
“Yes, you’ve said that several times now. But Drone #389723 is an actual wrecking machine. They used him to tear down houses before he was retrofitted and given enough intelligence to fight.”
“You just gotta want it enough! I know you,” Karl began. The aged sorcerer pulled out a scrapbook and went through a twelve minute montage of our time together. “You haven’t been hungry enough, Gyro. Can I call you Gyro?”
“No. Wait, if you pronounce it ‘hero’ like they do in Greece, then yes. But if you pronounce it the way it’s supposed to be, like a gyroscope, then forget it. No sale.”
“I’ve worked with you for twenty-some odd years, and yet I’ve never heard you say your own name before.”
“That’s because the communists were out to get me.”
He stared at me, trying to understand how that last sentence could possibly make sense. Then he gave up and drank another swig of coffee. The man loves coffee.
“Yeah, so I signed you up for the fight. You’re gonna fight Drone #389723, and- hey! Don’t you walk away from me! I made you...” then he pulled out a blue vial. “And I can destroy you!”
“What’s in that vial?”
And then Karl started dancing about the room like a lemur. I hate lemurs... you don’t want to know.
“After-glow! Gyro-bo! After-glow! Gyro-bo!” chanted the crowds. Sure, my theme song wasn’t really catchy, but it sounded a lot better than Drone #389723’s “Carpe diem, buy a dog! Carpe diem, buy a dog!”
This is Ciscos, my number one fan this week.
“Okay, I want a good, clean fight,” said the umpire. Yes, there was an umpire. The usual guy who judges wrestling matches was out, so they got an umpire from the little league next door. You got a problem with that, tubby?!
“Unit active protocol delta,” clicked my opponent. I could smell his fear.
As we levitated over to the corners of the ring, Karl teleported in next to me.
“Where have you been, Karl?! You were supposed to train me hours ago!”
“Gyrobo, you can’t win! The guy’s a wreckin’ machine! Throw in the towel!”
“But...” I stammered, trying to make sense of Karl’s sudden, yet inevitable betrayal. “You were the one who told me to fight him! You signed me up. I told you I didn’t want to but-”
“And you gotta fight ’im, Gyrobo! He... he, uh... what?”
Then, with a glazed look in his eye, Karl lumbered off.
“You’re on your own, kid.”
“I’m fifty years older than you!”
“In robot years, Gyrobo. In robot years. You need to learn you some learning, young man.”
“What was that?!”
“Oh, that’s the bell,” said the shortstop. What? I told you, we were next to a little league.
“I didn’t hear no bell.”
“Unit protection protocol active. Delta. Delta. Strike. Alpha. bzzz.... processing primary directive...”
“Not on my watch!” I screamed, punching him out with my patented robo-hook. A half-nelson later, and the pitiful remains of my once proud opponent lay before me, shaking in agony.
“Take that, random stranger!”
“I did it!” I shouted as the umpire counted to ten. “I’m the greatest there ever-”
“Huh?” I turned around to see a middle-aged woman run out into the ring.
“Gregory, can you hear me?! Gregory?!”
“Hey, Gyrobo, I just remembered,” said Karl off to my left. “Drone #389723 couldn’t make it tonight. His car broke down outside of Memphis.”
“Then who did I just...”
“That was just some guy. From the audience.”
“Karl, have you ever been to Texas?”
“No. Want to go there right now?”
“You bet! Let’s go to Tom deLay’s house and get him to bake us cookies!”
“And also, we can see Mount Rushmore while we’re there.”
“Karl, you so crazy!”