Something incredible happened to me just three days ago, and I’ve been struggling to find a way to explain it.

I can’t go into specifics, but needless to say I have a newspaper from the future.

Notice the date — November 25! OooooOOOOOO!

What eye-opening revelations have I brought back from the day after three days from now? I’m glad you asked! It shows initiative, though I fear I cannot tell you (or anyone else for that matter!) what was in the rest of the paper. Imagine the following conversation:

“Hello,” I say heartily. “I was just in the future.”

You scoff! “That’s not true at all. You’ve always lied to me in the past...”

“But this time is different! Normally I’d be pulling your leg, but today is different somehow.”

“Yesterday you told me that you could time travel, and I believed you, and then you told me you were just lying.”

Now I scoff at you. “Well, pudding tandy! I’ve changed my ways. Here’s prrrrroooof!”

You take one look at the paper and I’m instantly vindicated. But while skimming the front page, you see something you oughtn’t have — and it changes the future.

That’s why all I can show you is the comics section. If I let you know more about the events surrounding the rest of this week, it might cause the space-time continuum to collapse and maybe de-mutate our nation’s ninja turtles.

But if you see men in hazmat suits barging into your neighbors’ house, you’ll know it involves you.

The point is, I’m trying to dispel these vicious rumors that I can’t time-travel. Sure I run the risk of crushing all life into a singularity to validate my ego, but Thomas Hobbes would tell me to go for it. That’s basically Leviathan in a nutshell.

Dear Sir or Madam:

A recent study by our Environmental/Water Quality Control group has determined the Oxglove County water supply contains mildly high levels of hydrogen. Our group selected eight sewage lines from random parts of Oxglove County, and seven contained as much as 12% hydrogen. Pure hydrogen is extremely toxic and as a chemical, very dangerous. And we are obligated by state and federal law to disclose this information to the public.

This is not simply a municipal problem, affecting city water only but not other sources. Private wells are also prone to hydrogen buildup, due to seepage of hydrogen hydroxide from old or damaged skeptic tanks. Another molecule, which is indistinguishable from but much more foreboding than, hydrogen hydroxide is dihydrogen monoxide. Molecules of this type bond together due to their polar nature, and in the winter may freeze and cause damage to pipe and plumbing infrastructures of the house.

Dihydrogen monoxide has been given a reactivity rating of one by the J.T.Baker SAF-T-DATA™ labels system. J.T. Baker is a reliable, venerated organization relied upon by members of the scientific community for chemical safety information. Reactivity is one of four safety metrics J.T. Baker takes, it measures of a substance’s ability to “explode or react violently with air, water or other substances” and we urge all citizens to purchase a dihydrogen monoxide detector for their own protection. Dihydrogen monoxide if unrecognized in humans with early detection stages, may cause addiction and extreme thirst.

If you feel listless or feel dizzy, contact a doctor immediately with a portable telephone, as landline wires may touch pipes that carry the hydrogen-containing water.

Thank you for your time.

Office of Lou Tintarello
Oxglove County Environmental Council

“Oxglove County — It’s a Habitable Place”