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Credits

Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.




In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department






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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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8.09.2006

Product #7182-58w “Standards-Oriented Browser”

Too often during the late 90’s, feature creep and proprietary software ravaged the Internet, churning out a slurry of poorly-coded sites. Web developers—the ones responsible for sorting through this mess—they cried out for standardization, for a new generation of cross-platform browser capable of super-quick rendering and compliant with every standard known to mole-man. Which is why Roboshrub Inc. is pleased to announce that in light of the W3C international luncheon, we’re launching an Internet offensive with our very own “Roboshrub Standards-Oriented Browser 2.0.”

Standards-Oriented Browser
Version 2.0 is the fastest S.O.B. yet!

The Standards-Oriented Browser 2.0 is a testament to the thousands of programmers who worked weekends and holidays, putting the finished product before their friends, families, and hygiene. In the words of senior project manager Rød Günter, “I can’t remember the last time I saw my kids or took a shower, but just knowing that I was on the team that made the S.O.B. really clogs the ventricles of my heart.”

Truly the heart of version 2.0 is the Binary Asynchronous Space/Time Auto-Rendering Driver, a component that allows it to store its memory cache in a parallel pocket universe, making it the first Internet browser to utilize a parallel universe in such a fashion. Because the speed of photons is infinite outside of space, the end result for consumers is incredibly low memory usage and quick CSS rendering. This groundbreaking framework was originally pioneered by the Birmingham Institute of Tiered CSS and HTML strictly for noncommercial use. However, we have obtained a special dispensation allowing us to package the driver with Roboshrub S.O.B. version 1.0 and above, for the good of all humanity.

Standards-Oriented Browser
You know it’s outside the universe because it makes no sense!

Technical Director Luna Martés explained the more theoretical aspects of the program at last year’s Google-sponsored Summer of Gripe. “We’re moving away from the universe-based applications of yesteryear,” she said, captivating the hearts and minds of a room packed full of bearded and suspender-wearing programmers. “In the future, the browsing experience will take place outside the boundaries of four dimensions.”

“To achieve our ambitious agenda in the time alloted requires amoral action,” Public Relations Director Dirk Schæden told us during our last team meeting. After the appalling failure of S.O.B. 1.0, we appointed Schæden, a seasoned PR creep, to drum up public support for version 2.0. His controversial customer relations beliefs, such as treating customers like idiots and telling them that “crashing makes it run faster,” has already tripled our stock value to $0.05 per mile.

“Treat others as you would treat a ten year old” is his personal mantra, as he explained to us in a series of condescending large-lettered memos full of smiley faces, with words longer than six letters in boldface and underlined in red.

Though version 3.0 is in development, we won’t be able to render the user obsolete until version 3.5 at the earliest. Hang in there.

Processing 30×100 Robo-Comments:

Anonymous Rich gesticulated...

Speed of photons is infinite outside of space.

I'm going to need to see the maths before investing in any version that's not user obselete. I'm not real bright so feel free to explain it in terms of Famous Artichoke Fellony Facts.

8/09/2006 9:50 PM  
Blogger jin gesticulated...

COOL!!!

So, it's official. This is the ONLY blog that I can come over to if I want to 'play' (click things, & reload to keep hearing 'the voice' oh, yeah...& did I mention clicking things?!!?).
:-D

PLUS...you linked me!!!
:-D

Free virtual chocolate cake for everybody!!!

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l__________________l
l__________________l
l__________________l
l__________________l

8/10/2006 2:39 AM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...


How did I live before SOB?


One day at a time...
until that bastard
Bill Gates founded the
Gyrobo and Melinda Gates Foundation.

8/10/2006 4:32 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Free shiny plastic candy for everybody!

8/10/2006 9:02 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

Version 2.0? Hmmm.

Maybe I'll wait for version 2.0.0.6.8.1.

8/10/2006 4:20 PM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

All fine & good, but, will i understand it when i get it home?

8/10/2006 10:33 PM  
Blogger Deepak Gopi gesticulated...

hi......

8/11/2006 6:15 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Hello, citizen!

8/11/2006 2:08 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann gesticulated...

01010101
01001010
01001100
01001101

translates into have a great weekend Gyro!

8/11/2006 4:08 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One gesticulated...

So you are saying that B.I.T.C.H. Technology came before B.A.S.T.A.R.D Programming. I have always been told that being a B.A.S.T.A.R.D based user caused B.I.T.C.H. tech to happen. That and not putting the toilet seat down.

8/11/2006 6:39 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier gesticulated...

Yes, but is it Y2K compliant? I know that's going to come up one of these days.

8/11/2006 9:45 PM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

All these questions and more will be answered!

After these messages.

8/11/2006 11:55 PM  
Blogger R2K gesticulated...

"You know it’s outside the universe because it makes no sense!"

Brilliant, I love the firefox inspired earth hugging picture.

8/12/2006 11:16 AM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

Huh? No, we inspired Firefox. Actually, they stole our original logo and name. That's why this omninetral platform took so long to release.

8/12/2006 2:59 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Mozilla is only in the top twenty of organizations/people who have stolen Roboshrub concepts before we've thought of them. The top five include:

1) Steven Colbert's "Name a District"
2) Apple's iPod
3) Walt Disney's Cryogenics Chamber
4) The U.S. Department of Synergy's creation of the word "edutainment"
5) FDR

8/12/2006 5:36 PM  
Blogger Fred gesticulated...

Shiny plastic candy? I'm in!

8/13/2006 8:04 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...


Stephen Colbert's "Name a District" was a cheap copy of Peter Potamus' "Name that tune" which I clearly stole from Paul Shaffer, and I think he stole it from Carson.

8/14/2006 7:53 AM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

Actually, unless I'm mistaken, the segment is referered to as "Better Know a District." And I prefer to think that Colbert heard about our "Automated Networked Gerrymandering Systems Technology" feature, and decided to start preparing the world for the SOB.

8/14/2006 12:25 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...



Walt Disney and FDR must be rolling in their respective Cryogenic Chambers'!

8/14/2006 1:23 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Those respective chambers are reflexively reflective, regardless of perspective.

8/14/2006 2:48 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier gesticulated...

Ooh, the iPod is great. I use mine every day. Those guys who stole it from are geniuses.

8/14/2006 4:20 PM  
Blogger The Taker of Gist gesticulated...

Standards?! What standards?! The ones that kept me down, down in the mines for forty years while you raided my pension?! I'll see to it that these "standards" of yours are put to the test! By professionals!

...

Will you be my friend?

8/14/2006 7:54 PM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

NAY!

Back to the gist pits with ye!

8/15/2006 2:22 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Why can't we keep him in the back room?! It's just gathering dust! Dust shaped like the remains of...

FDR!

8/15/2006 7:02 PM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

Fine. Gist-Taker, you are hereby promoted to Gist-Manager! Your new duties include stacking and packing the gist. Additionally, you will be required to maintain the quotas of your previous position.

IT IS SO!

8/15/2006 11:04 PM  
Blogger Local Henchmen 432 gesticulated...

You have been Tagged

8/16/2006 12:45 AM  
Blogger The Taker of Gist gesticulated...

Oh, give me a job, will you?! I don't work fer no one! I'm self-employed! You got a problem with that?! I'm gonna go down to the salt mines and make a biscuit out of a pretzel! That's how tough I am! A biscuit! Fuit vero hatar! Kulesh pexin trebbo!

8/16/2006 8:51 AM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

I'm filing for your dismissal, you loose cannon!

8/16/2006 11:50 AM  
Blogger Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO gesticulated...

"Feature Creep"?!!! You people with your crazy talk. I DIG IT!!!

Also, this whole other universe dealie sounds right up our alley. We've been trying to figure out a good use to put Sector G in line for in our 5-year Action Plan!!!

8/17/2006 11:30 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Homer Simpson works in sector 7G. Perhaps the two of them can work together on the company canopy.

8/19/2006 8:11 PM