Version 2.0 is the fastest S.O.B. yet!
The Standards-Oriented Browser 2.0 is a testament to the thousands of programmers who worked weekends and holidays, putting the finished product before their friends, families, and hygiene. In the words of senior project manager Rød Günter, “I can’t remember the last time I saw my kids or took a shower, but just knowing that I was on the team that made the S.O.B. really clogs the ventricles of my heart.”
Truly the heart of version 2.0 is the Binary Asynchronous Space/Time Auto-Rendering Driver, a component that allows it to store its memory cache in a parallel pocket universe, making it the first Internet browser to utilize a parallel universe in such a fashion. Because the speed of photons is infinite outside of space, the end result for consumers is incredibly low memory usage and quick CSS rendering. This groundbreaking framework was originally pioneered by the Birmingham Institute of Tiered CSS and HTML strictly for noncommercial use. However, we have obtained a special dispensation allowing us to package the driver with Roboshrub S.O.B. version 1.0 and above, for the good of all humanity.
You know it’s outside the universe because it makes no sense!
Technical Director Luna Martés explained the more theoretical aspects of the program at last year’s Google-sponsored Summer of Gripe. “We’re moving away from the universe-based applications of yesteryear,” she said, captivating the hearts and minds of a room packed full of bearded and suspender-wearing programmers. “In the future, the browsing experience will take place outside the boundaries of four dimensions.”
“To achieve our ambitious agenda in the time alloted requires amoral action,” Public Relations Director Dirk Schæden told us during our last team meeting. After the appalling failure of S.O.B. 1.0, we appointed Schæden, a seasoned PR creep, to drum up public support for version 2.0. His controversial customer relations beliefs, such as treating customers like idiots and telling them that “crashing makes it run faster,” has already tripled our stock value to $0.05 per mile.
“Treat others as you would treat a ten year old” is his personal mantra, as he explained to us in a series of condescending large-lettered memos full of smiley faces, with words longer than six letters in boldface and underlined in red.
Though version 3.0 is in development, we won’t be able to render the user obsolete until version 3.5 at the earliest. Hang in there.