I must sincerely protest the county legislatures recent decision to purchase traffic signs of varying colours. As a senior with failing eyesight, I find it difficult to distinguish white text from yellow backgrounds, especially at night. I have lived in Oxglove County for over 40 years, and this is the first time the legislature has made a decision I disagree with. I implore all Oxglove County residents to contact their member of the legislature and protest this asinine policy decision, as traffic accidents have increased markedly in the two months since the new traffic signs were put up.
John Mittenberg, retired piano tuner
Beginning this Friday, the Sweitzer Lake school district will be offering bus service to non-students. The district board of trustees feels that in light of budget shortfalls, we need to grow the brand by offering our transportation services to members of the community. Parents will notice the immediate change in schedule, as instead of picking elementary school children up at eight in the morning and bringing them home at three in the afternoon, the bus will make its first run at 5 a.m. and last run at eleven p.m. Due to further budget restrictions and the needs of our customers, these will be the only times the bus will be able to pick up children. All questions must be forwarded to the district help desk.
Glenda Dorsendorf, district attorney
Four years ago, I moved into my current residence in Oxglove County to escape the taxecutioners of Redshaw County. At first, I was extremely happy with my house and neighborhood. I was fine until about two weeks ago, when I was awakened by a ruptured pipe. I assume its a sewage pipe, as the water flowing from it looks filthy. I have called on my county representative, congressman, and state senator to fix this problem, as it is a municipal pipe. I have waited anxiously for city workers to come by and repair the pipe, but in the two weeks since I first reported the problem not only has nobody come to repair the pipe, but I have received threatening letters from the county and state legislatures. I find it completely unprofessional that my elected officials would demand that I pay for the pipe, as Ive already promised to properly dispose of my corrosive materials from now on, instead of pouring them down my sink.
Rhet Alderbahn, hydrochloric acid tester
Issue A Retraction!
This is the first time Ive written to the Tribune, and it will be my last, as I dont intend to buy another copy or your non-credible paper. In your March 18th issue, you state that the manhunt for three inmates who escaped from the Oxglove County prison ended when the inmates turned themselves into police last Tuesday. Oh, so the three fugitives suddenly became police officers? Your lack of attention to spelling and grammar shows a lack of understanding of the English language. I only hope that my harsh criticism will prevent you from penning such misprnts in the future.
Hera Page, author, Grammar for Dummies
Small Linux Problem
As the administrator of the Oxglove County Community Center, I have worked with Linux-based operating systems every day since prop 14 passed last year, requiring all county-owned computers to run non-proprietary software. While I applaud the countys move to open source sofware, I am upset that I was not consulted on the way in which the new system would be advertised to the public. As you probably already know, the version of Linux we now use implements the GNOME environment, which is not in itself problematic, as I am familiar with GNOME. However, the county legislature recently decided to promote the new system by plastering giant posters with the words Try GNOME! Its fast and free! on it throughout the center. Not many people understand what GNOME is, and when they see the posters they assume it refers to me, as I am barely four feet tall. Ever since the posters went up, my office has been inundated with calls from people who want me to do a range of tasks from painting houses to grooming cats. I find it degrading and insist that the legislature remove the posters and switch to another Linux distro that uses KDE instead of GNOME.
Lester Littleman, county community center administrator
ALL YOUR BASE@!!!!!!!!!!!11
I Dont Need Any Of You
Until last November, I had represented Imperial Gardens and North Spalding in the county legislature continuously for nearly 24 years. I understand that the voters wanted change last year, and spoke with their ballots. I can see now how the bill I introduced last spring to lure endangered bears to Oxglove county by littering the ground with bacon may have been seen by my former constituents as a tad irresponsible. To this day, I stand by my belief that it was the right decision. If a large enough number of endangered kunda bears made Oxglove county their home, we would have qualified for a state bear grant. Instead, we no longer have the funds needed to run the oxygen pump that provides half the county with breathable air. I had hoped to run for my old seat next November, but the cities I represented may be uninhabitable by that time.
Martina Glendale, former delegate
As the proprietor of the Franklin Roosevelt Learning and Information Centre, I welcome all of you to participate in our Rockin Roosevelt barbeque this Saturday. The barbeque kicks off the opening of the centres newest exhibit, Roosevelt: Man or Machine? In the exhibit, we openly discuss the technology used to transform the United States only four term president into a bionic miracle capable of bending spoons with his mind. The exhibit also spans Roosevelts medical records, proving that he never had polio, that he had two hearts, and that he could perform photosynthesis. Vegetarian alternatives will be available at the barbeque.
Takera dGistoff, information archivist
Are you lonely? Do you feel incomplete? Like something is missing from your life? We understand. The First Church of Tax Exempt Status has been helping people find purpose and completion since its founding in 1974. We take great pride in helping people of all faiths and walks of life by unburdening them of material woes. For as it says in our sacred text, Lo, unto the great plains there came the roar of the mighty lion, tearing through the grasses like so many gazelles, all in search of water (Moz 6:26). To begin your spiritual journey, simply bring your birth certificate and the deeds to any land you might own to our group caucus this Thursday. No fatties.
Reverend Fluorine Drake, pastor 1st class