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Credits

Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.




In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department






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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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6.02.2006

In Memory of Nigel Stottlebottom (1852-2006)

"Please, kind sir, I know you know what happened to my dear husband." Regina Stottlebottom pressed. The harbormaster turned away. He hadn't told a single soul what transpired that cold night. And he couldn't tell her, especially.

"Ma'am, you know I can't reveal such highly classified information."

"But... my Nigel!"


She carries a photo of Nigel Stottlebottom to remember how much he hated water.

"He's... gone. And he won't be back." He turned from her once again, his vow broken. Now she knew.

They stood there at the apex of the lighthouse for a few minutes, he staring at his shoes, she gazing out onto the sea. At last she spoke.

"He was a great man."

"The greatest, I'm sure."

"No! He really stood for something!" she insisted.

"I've heard of his exploits."

"You've heard nothing!" she spat. "Only what the government let them print. You don't know, nobody knows, about Nigel's war on the water."

"I was there!" he shouted. "I know what he was planning!" twisting his head slightly he let out a sigh. "He wanted to control the ocean."

"Once again, you're wrong. He didn't want the sea. He fought the sea."

He stared at her quizically. "Ma'am?"

"Nigel hated the sea, Horation. I knew him well. He always hated water, ever since it murdered his family. Each night he dreamed of taking his revenge against the ocean. He tried so many times to conquor the water. The international anti-water organization, the lobbying efforts, even that short-lived children's cartoon."


He hated water more than anyone else alive.

"So you expected something like this to happen one day."

She watched the second hand on her watch tick away slowly. "Of course I knew it would end one day. And I knew water would be involved. So tell me," she begged, "what happened out there?"

He pulled out a package of marshmallows and threw some wood pellets onto the fireplace.

***


"Filthy sludge," grumbled Nigel Stottlebottom as he pulled the rigging free. A crack of lightning and thunder lit up the sky and nearly knocked him to his feet. Forcing his entire crew to abandon ship during a storm was arguably a terrible idea, but Nigel knew better. The water was plotting against him... and besides, he already had the doctor. He didn't need the rest of his crew now.

"Doctor, is the machine ready yet?"

"Five more minutes," came a reply from the cabin.

Soon all my carefully laid-out plans will reach fruition, the voice in Nigel's head gently laughed. Soon water will pay!

"Hurry! The wave is reaching zenith!"

"Just one more... done!" The doctor ran out onto the deck with a small metallic box.

Inside it was anything but metal.

"Doctor," said Nigel Stottlebottom, his face contorting into an unearthly grimace, "do you have any idea of what we're going to accomplish here today?"

Lightning tore through the sky, followed by a thunderclap. Waves slapped the side of the ship, rocking it back and forth. The doctor glanced over the railing. Could that be a shark?

"Mr. Stottlebottom-"

"That's President Stottlebottom. I am the president of the anti-water coalition."


"All your base are belong to us!"

"President Stottlebottom, the machine is ready."

Nigel grabbed the box from his hands. As he opened it, the doctor could see a sickly yellow glow. Reaching into the container, Nigel pulled out an emblazoned helmet. There could be no turning back now; the water must end. With the aid of the machine, vaporization would be quick.

"Doctor."

Stottlebottom waited a few moments. The wind started to pick up. Another bolt of lightning crackled through the air, landing a few metric feet from the ship. Too close for comfort...

"Doctor?"

Nigel stood up, the helmet barely clinging to his weathered skull. Gone! The insolent whelp didn't want to stick around to watch the master of ceremony, Nigel Stottlebottom, conquer water! The coward!

"It's just you and me now, ocean!" Stottlebottom shouted as he entered the helmet's keycode. "You may have destroyed everything and everyone I've ever cared about, but this old man has a few tricks up his sleeve!"


The old man vs. the sea


Another thunderclap. Nigel grasped at the railing. "You won't be rid of me so soon, Neptune! Let's dance."

***


"So he died the way he lived: fighting water. The fool."

Horation put down his cup and took a deep breath. The smell of cinamon and dampness invaded his nostrals.

"Mrs. Stottlebottom, your husband was the bravest man I ever knew. Only a true hero would put his life on the line to destroy all the water in the world."

"There's something I've never told anyone about. Something Nigel wouldn't have wanted anyone to know, Horation."

He leaned forward. "Was he... was he from the future, trying to put right what once went wrong?"

Her eyes lit up. She ran over to Horation, put an arm around his shoulders, looked him straight in the eyes, and yelled, "Are you some kind of moron?! That's not even slightly what I was about to say! Seriously, what's wrong with you?!"

Horation shifted uncomfortably. His eyes welled up. "I'm telling!"

"Calm down, Charlie Brown."

"No!" he bellowed. "Not until you tell me what Stottlebottom was up to! What terrible secret was he hiding? Was it pudding related?"

"Once again, I question your sanity."

Regina pulled a piece of paper out from the frame of Nigel's photo. It was yellowed and smelled of cabbage. "This, Horation, is a letter Nigel send me back in nineteen aught five." She let that sink in.

"You were alive in 1905? Wouldn't that make you, like, a thousand years old?! What was life like before toothpaste?! Do you have dentures?!"

"I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

"That won't be nesessary. Do go on."

"Yes, well, Nigel and myself were the last two people to drink from the fountain of youth before it was torn down to make room for a lard rendering plant. That explains why we've been alive so long."

"Yes, it does. But... why would Nigel want to keep that a secret?"

"I find myself wanting to throw you into a bottomless pit. It wasn't the fountain that Nigel wanted to keep secret; it was the real reason he hated water."

The piqued Horation's interest. "I thought that he wanted to destroy water because water killed his whole family?"

She laughed. "You actually belived the cover story. How precious."

"Then what...?"

"Nigel was water."

The storm outside exploded into another mighty thunderclap; there was no lightning. Small droplets of rain pelted the window, resounding off the air conditioner. The sound of crickets chirping was barely audible, but prevelant enough to merit mention.

"He was-"

"Sixty percent water, yes. All humans are... mostly."

"But then... why?! Why all the deception? Why spend his entire life fighting his own composition?"

"He had good reasons, Horation."

"What reasons?!"

She put the picture back on the mantle. Limping over to the rain-splattered window, she rested a wrinkled hand on the pane. Tilting her head up, she sighed.

"The communists, Horation. The communists."

Processing 29×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger L>T gesticulated...

Favorite story to date.
Regina Stottlebottom is a great character. I laughed & cried along with her.

6/02/2006 11:44 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

She's a compelling proantagonistarrator.

6/02/2006 12:17 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gesticulated...

Nigel hating water, that's so deep, man.

It's like he hated himself, but he had to fight water. Such tragedy.

Incidentally, I'm 68% water, but then I am an Intergalactic Gladiator.

6/02/2006 12:32 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...



He was a brave man. Probably fictitious....but nevertheless he deserves the Medal of Honor.

A bit of irony: At his funeral service...it rained. Probably a sign of a pending Chinese attack.

He warned us. You fools! He warned us!

6/02/2006 12:54 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Nigel was a true American hero, having been awarded the Order of Canada on three separate occasions for his anti-water activism.

6/02/2006 2:39 PM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

gyrobo, for some reason my comment section isn't working or so i hear. it looks fine on my end. i changed my template, etc. would you go over and see if you can leave me a comment? If you are around that is or anybody?

6/02/2006 3:13 PM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

rm/i`1enb`li 1eQb/61enbjneCeajflaenjeajeflnjeAN; ecjme`ehflrn/*

Cne6` edr ne'pe"b`laflaenb/en/hkg`n/{
jme6b`n{

XXXOOO

6/02/2006 3:35 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier gesticulated...

That reminds me of a story.

There were these two kids, let's call them 'Beavis and Butthead.' The tried to get into a rock concert but couldn't afford the scalper's prices. After drinking gallons of soda, they really had to pee so they got in line for the porto-potties. When they finally reached the potty, they fought to see who would get to go first. One of the kids, let's call him 'Beavis,' snuck in. Once the door was closed the other kid knocked the potty over and it fell door-side down. Poor Beavis ws trapped in the potty with all the disgusting nasty gunk spilling over him.

I laugh every time I think of that story.

6/02/2006 6:51 PM  
Blogger Vampirella gesticulated...

Has anyone ever offered you Gyro to join heroes: united?

6/02/2006 7:07 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Ceb`2/eljef?/`&e'rnehj negfi/gpefne6` e'pe"b`laflaenb/en/hkg`n/*eNb`n; ebj6epjrecf4enbfla -e?/ nmjpenb/he`l?e n`mnej2/m*

Heroes United?! I've got, like, ten other blogs that I can't maintain! And don't bother asking Roboshrub; he barely posts anymore. Hmph! People and their so-called "lives."

No logic to it.

6/02/2006 7:36 PM  
Blogger Overseer Q gesticulated...

So, this is the company Flatlander has been keeping.
Aimless, delusional tales of water destruction--I mean, really! I think he reads these things on company time, too.

If he weren't dangling from the side of a helicopter somewhere over the Andes in an attempt to retrieve the XXXXX compressor, I would have some words for him.

As it is, we'll just have to wait for the internal audit.

6/02/2006 8:40 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...



I have troubling news...


Salbert is dead.

6/02/2006 8:59 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier gesticulated...

B`n/eb`n/11

6/03/2006 1:52 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier gesticulated...

On second thought, perhaps I should have used only one exclamation point.

6/03/2006 1:53 PM  
Blogger The Taker of Gist gesticulated...

Anti-water activists have entirely too much control over the federal government.

6/03/2006 8:38 PM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

As John Wayne Gacey always said, ~P/l?eflenb/e"gj6l 111~

6/04/2006 10:44 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

P/l?enb/henjenb/e/l? ejcenb/e,`mnb1eNb/e/l?&eCe `p1

6/04/2006 4:30 PM  
Blogger R2K gesticulated...

Damned Hydrophobia!

6/04/2006 8:01 PM  
Anonymous Rich gesticulated...

I went on a rainbow destroying mission to equatorial guinea once.

And we ALL know how that ended.

6/04/2006 8:45 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier gesticulated...

O flae6`gi/m &enb`ne"gj6lef eajflaenjen`i/e`ehfabnpegjlaenfh/enjem/`"benb/e/l?ejcenb/e,`mnb*

6/04/2006 9:42 PM  
Blogger Bathroom Hippo gesticulated...



Thought I saw Roboshrub this morning...

but it was just his cousin Vacuumshrub. I am beginning to think he's dead.

6/05/2006 12:42 AM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

Ha Ha

p/`be'rnepjre`rabnenje //e6b`ne b/e"`le?jenje`e'`ggjle

6/05/2006 12:47 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

What hast €ncryptør wrought?!

6/05/2006 8:49 AM  
Blogger Non-Xister gesticulated...

Encryptor is no match for my Green Lantern Decoder ring. But I've no time for petty confrontations--too busy undermining Fakiegrind.

BAAA-BAAA-BAAA-BAAA (alarm clock sound)

Now.....AWAKE!

6/05/2006 2:07 PM  
Blogger Local Henchmen 432 gesticulated...

Dear jbfd;jk,

I have found that kjf; ;d9J'[39 is really a guy named Ted. if you have jbd;u; nckdien --0sneknde.Contact sjacn; sskhww009.Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris jbvj

6/05/2006 5:15 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann gesticulated...

I am more than 60% water and I love it! Love that name...Stottlebottom too!

6/05/2006 5:44 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Polaris. Polaris. That's a star. Polaris. That's the north star. Polaris. He's a doctor. He is the star. Hollywood, here we come! Yay!

6/05/2006 6:15 PM  
Anonymous Satan gesticulated...

The food at Bollywood tastes better.

6/06/2006 12:31 AM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

Never post? I'll never post YOU!

6/06/2006 12:31 AM