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Credits

Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.




In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department






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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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1.18.2006

Growing the Economy

I have many duties as the United States' most distinguished economist. During my tenure at the Office of Imaginary Numerology I was entrusted with solving long term crises such as preserving the solvency of Social Security, to short term problems like managing the national deficit. After the recent recession and sluggish recovery, I was ordered (by the president) to draw up new government policies for improving the economy. The following proposals as well as the outline for my new “Greeting Card” pet project were submitted to the president during fiscal year 2005, and are pending review and implementation.


Lowering the National Deficit

According to the business cycle, the economy will expand, peak, and then contract. After it hits bottom, it recovers and the whole process starts anew. During contraction, the government is forced to spend money to hasten the recovery process. This adds to the national deficit. Therefore, it is advised to eliminate all government spending during an economic recession. In my professional opinion, doing this will alleviate the national deficit. The only side effect is a possible depression and extremely high unemployment rate. Of course, this can be offset by changing the definition of “unemployment” to exclude people who have no income. It is also recommended that the Federal Reserve raise interest rates to about 50%. This will encourage people to invest in high-interest government bonds, thus solving all our financial problems.


Keeping Gas Prices Under Control

If the Laffer Curve teaches us anything, it's how to keep gas prices down. Using the curve, we see that if the tax rate is too high or too low, the government only takes in a fraction of what it could potentially amass. To find out if the problem is the tax rate, the national tax on gasoline should be increased by $20 per gallon. After one week, the gas tax should be eliminated and massive subsidies should be given to the petroleum and auto industries. After another week or so, both industries will realize that money can't actually buy true happiness. They will then cooperate to build newer, more fuel-efficient cars. Once the demand for gasoline decreases, the price will drop.


Dealing with the Chinese Government

Over the last decade or so, China has emerged as a capitalist power. But while they may be economically dynamic and almost magical, they have been buying up dollars. Over the long haul, being indebted to the Chinese government poses a security risk. The easiest way to eliminate China as an economic threat is to force them to import more than they export. Unfortunately, they have a massive labor force and import far less than they export. Countless hours of research concluded that the one thing China needs to import the most is oil. It is therefore advisable to sell the Chinese government the entire Strategic Petroleum Reserve, as well as our arsenal of nuclear weaponry. This will cause China to import more than it exports, leaving its citizens completely demoralized and disillusioned. Their economy will crumble.


Fixing Social Security #1

Social Security is the most successful and widely loved entitlement program in American history. Unfortunately it is a “pay as you go” system, whereby the younger workers of society have a portion of their paychecks divvied up among the elderly who also used to have a portion of their paychecks removed. This will stress the system when the baby boomer generation retires (they're already starting to). The only way to counteract the baby boomer crunch is with, get this: another baby boomer generation. A third world war would certainly accomplish this goal, but the people of the early 22nd century would just end up facing the same insolvency problem that we do now. Therefore, after the third world war, the government must repeal all environmental regulations and actually encourage unhealthy personal habits. This will give the second baby boomers a much lower life expectancy, preventing them from reaching retirement and sparing the people of the future from having a fourth world war.


Fixing Social Security #2

Immediately raise the retirement age for all baby boomers to 80. Those who choose to retire sooner are covertly shipped to organ harvesting plants.


Slowing Down the Housing Bubble

The price of homes has been increasing dramatically for some time now. This is great for homeowners who are selling their houses, but some economists warn that it parallels the dot-com bubble that burst a few years ago, leaving hundreds of computer geeks unemployed. They foolishly think that increasing prices on houses is unsustainable and will lead to economic ruin. Bah, I say! The housing bubble will never go bust. There is no reason to spend any time trying to fix this problem, for it does not exist. If anything, the government should be trying to get the prices on homes to go even higher!


Eliminating Poverty

The amount of people living in poverty has gone through the roof over the last four or five years. This is terrible but in that same time, the amount of millionaires has also gone up. The two cancel each other out, leaving us with no social problems whatsoever.

*UPDATE*

The President has recently approved all of my proposals, as well as my “Greeting Card” project. As a result of my research, progress is assured!

*UPDATE 2*

Despite choosing the latter option for fixing Social Security, the President was forced to switch to the former. A world war became inevitable once the Chinese started launching the nuclear missiles we sold them.

*UPDATE 3*

It would appear the petroleum industry hasn't gotten tired of money yet. Since the war began, they've raised the price of gasoline to approximately $50 a gallon. Technological innovations have ceased due to a strange global economic paralysis caused by hyperinflation. My “Greeting Card” project seems to have destabilized the Moon's orbit.

*UPDATE 4*

While the Earth may have been rendered uninhabitable by nuclear fallout, I am fully confident that my “Greeting Card 2” project will give us enough time to evacuate to Mars before the Moon's orbit completely decays.

Processing 26×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger marcy_peanut gesticulated...

Well, now that it's been well documented by at least two former CIA operatives that the CIA went into Iraq before Bush called for the invasion and reported back that there were NO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, and that Bush decided to change the CIA's reports to suit his needs, I'd say that it's safe to say that WWIII is on its way. (And I know that naive Cabe is going to argue that my above statement is false, so, save your breath, I've been researching this while recovering. George Tenet wasn't dismissed, he resigned because the government needed a scapegoat.)

What with Russia being pissed because they didn't want the war in Iraq (because they'd rather have higher oil prices as they profit from them), and Bush not giving two sh*ts becuase Russia is no longer a super power, its not going to be long before another country (say China) decides that its time for America to be dethrowned.

Bush is ruining our country. The mere fact that he went to war with Iraq knowing full well that there were no WMDs and that he went against the UNs wishes to further investigate, just proves that he wants the USA to rule the world. This will never work. There's too many other countries that would never stand for this.

If America was still in a Cold War with the former Soviet Union, Bush would have NEVER invaded Iraq the way he did. He would have never been stupid enoug to piss off Russia. His administration makes me sick.

He should have been a real man and instead of hiding behind his bullsh*t intelligence (that never actually existed) of WMD, he should have told the real reason why he was invading Iraq.

The most powerful countries need to start working together to solve the world's problems, rather than bombing each other and blowing each other up.

1/18/2006 8:51 PM  
Blogger marcy_peanut gesticulated...

*breathe....breathe* And, on a lighter note, I have a really funny new post up today!! :)

1/18/2006 8:52 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

That was big enough to be a post in its own right!

1/18/2006 8:56 PM  
Blogger Cabe gesticulated...

Gyrobo didn't even mention Iraq.

Naive Cabe, huh?

Where did that come from? I've never verbally attacked you or the way you live your life.

1/18/2006 9:06 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

I could either step in and help the situation, or I could do nothing and watch.

What would Ross Perot do?

1/18/2006 9:15 PM  
Blogger Cabe gesticulated...

I thought anti-war peace activist liberals/progressives/socialists don't call people names?

1/18/2006 9:18 PM  
Blogger marcy_peanut gesticulated...

oh come on...I was just joking!! You know I (Bhakti) think very highly of you, Cabe. I apoligize for calling you naive. Uh oh, now you know my true identity...

1/19/2006 12:10 AM  
Blogger marcy_peanut gesticulated...

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

1/19/2006 12:21 AM  
Blogger Cabe gesticulated...

Ross Perot wouldn't say those things Bhakti.

No problem.

1/19/2006 12:29 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

And thusly, the dispute was resolved without it actually taking place.

Unless I just came from a parallel universe where it did. In any event, there was no strain on the flux coordinator.

1/19/2006 10:06 AM  
Blogger marcy_peanut gesticulated...

It WAS all your fault, Gyrobo! YOU were the one who mentioned the possibility of World War Three being on the horizon!!! ;)

Lest I jest...

1/19/2006 11:50 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Watch what I say, not what I do!

Or, as I call it, "liquid liability". As in, "what do you call is when a physicist looks bakwards?" A pole reversal! Get it? Neither did the king of England, 300 years ago. That's why he lost a century later, also because he was getting on in years.

I've got some plans
to control the spans
of Atlantic clams
using honey-glazed hams
with beaver dams
and network LANs.

1/19/2006 12:24 PM  
Blogger marcy_peanut gesticulated...

I just want to clear up that it was also GYROBO who mentioned Ross Perot. Not me. I'm vegetarian. I would never mention Ross because he reminds me of a severred chicken head.

BTW--my grammar school's mascot was the BEAVER. Yes, we were the Borough Beavers. (Maybe that's why I'm bent...lest I jest again...)

IF YOU WANT TO PEE YOUR PANTS WITH LAUGHTER, READ MY LATEST POST!!!!
A LITTLE BENT

Thanks for letting my plug my latest exploit, Gyrobocop. ;)

1/19/2006 1:27 PM  
Blogger phenomenon gesticulated...

Interetsing

1/19/2006 4:17 PM  
Blogger marcy_peanut gesticulated...

It was YOU who pasted the funny links on my blog!!!! :)

1/19/2006 7:32 PM  
Blogger Calzone gesticulated...

Dude..thank God I found you...can you get some shit legalized for me?

1/19/2006 8:40 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Just bring it all up to the nice man in the gray suit. He'll wave you through.

1/19/2006 9:12 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Also, does anyone have a suggestion for the Super Secret Upgrade that I'm planning? I'm about a third done with what I wanted, but I'm still open to suggestions.

1/19/2006 10:49 PM  
Blogger Miladysa gesticulated...

Hello gyrobo

You have been nominated by Bhakti for FBF - Fit Bit Friday! The award is for absolutely gorgeous bloggers in the spiritual or physical sense. Please pop over and collect your Nominee Tiara!

Voting takes place by supporters commenting "I vote for Gyrobo" on the latest FBF post.

Congratulations and Good Luck :)

1/20/2006 5:08 AM  
Blogger ticharu gesticulated...

I dig the new graphics and the flame wars are swell! Happy endings good too! :-)
I have a suggestion for yer secret upgrade section... how about some of those eyeballs that follow the mouse around with the caption 'Roboshrub is watching you!'

1/20/2006 8:55 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

I could easily do that... I've done it before.

As per the graphics, I was editing the template last night and my brand new cable Internet connection stopped working for no reason.

Ghosts and pirates were most likely involved.

1/20/2006 8:59 AM  
Blogger Jasmine gesticulated...

I am going to have to come back when I have more time, ok?

::wink::

1/20/2006 2:14 PM  
Blogger Polyman2 gesticulated...

Funny...
this all makes sense to me,
but then again I have none.

1/20/2006 3:33 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann gesticulated...

That is some post!
Can you imagine all those 80 year olds working? They would have to implement a naptime during work hours. Heck, I would even like that!
;)

1/20/2006 10:46 PM  
Blogger SafeTinspector gesticulated...

Power to the Greeting Card 2!

We shall proceed apace as they all perish, eh?

BTW:What is the "super secret upgrade"?!?

1/21/2006 11:10 AM  
Blogger The Zombieslayer gesticulated...

Lol!
Great post. Love it. I think I will be voting for you for Miladysa's FBF award.

The whole post was good, but this is my fav line:

The amount of people living in poverty has gone through the roof over the last four or five years. This is terrible but in that same time, the amount of millionaires has also gone up. The two cancel each other out, leaving us with no social problems whatsoever.

1/21/2006 1:29 PM