Like every Thursday for the last three months, I prepared for two solid hours of extremely boring math (punctuated by a brief ten-minute break). However, I soon remembered that today there was a unit test on graphing or parabolas or whatever it was that class was about. After spending about five minutes on that dead badger of a test, I left the room to eat my delicious lunch and lounge about for an hour before casually walking back into class. I was in the middle of eating a wonderful turkey sandwich when who should walk by but Andariel, the Maiden of Anguish. Andariel was an administrator who had been a great help in first getting me into the college, and then telling me about a terrific job in the OIT department. She would also prove to be the catalyst for the wackiest half-hour adventure I'd ever had. We quickly got into a discussion about my schedule for the next semester, which we had already spoken about the previous week. I told her of my desire to become a computer science major, but that I couldn't because I'd been stuck into a math class far below where I needed to be. I then explained my situation, and told her how much I really wanted to take Calculus the following semester. Being the empathetic wonder that she is, Andariel told me to go see the head of the math department, Akara the Healer. As soon as my inane math class was finally terminated for the day, I headed off to find the enigmatic Akara. To my discontent, her office was empty; the lights were off, and it looked as if no one had been in there for minutes. Having already eaten my lunch, I went to the campus' computer lounge to surf the Internet for an hour.
And sure enough, by the time I returned to Akara's office, she was there, typing away at her computer. Barging in, I forcefully requested that I be allowed to go directly to Calculus next semester. I told her of how I had taken a Calculus course in high school and done well, and she (with reckless abandon) agreed to let me follow my dreams of higher mathematics. Of course, this invariably led us into a discussion about who put me into my current math class. She asked me if it was my student adviser, and I was finally forced to admit that I had no idea who my adviser was. So once again with reckless abandon, she asked me for my name and student ID card, which were then entered into her computer. Five seconds later, I found out the shocking truth: I didn't exist. Or at least, she couldn't get my records on her computer. So as a last resort, she pulled out a huge wad of papers full of the names of who ran each department. The head of the department my major was part of was surely my adviser, or so the saying went. Using my name as a Rosetta Stone, she deciphered that my major wasn't currently computer science, and that if I wanted to be a computer science major, I would have to find a human/professor by the name of Deckard Cain.
I had already been told by Andariel that Cain was someone I should talk to regarding computer science classes, so I hasten my journey to his paper-laden lair. Upon arrival, I noticed the door slightly ajar, and heard the flutter of papers. Someone was inside. Knocking on the door, a booming voice greeted me, and implored me to enter. Walking in, the following exchange occurred:
Me: “Hello! Um, I'm looking for Cain the Elder...”
Cain: “Yes, I'm Deckard Cain.”
(we shake hands and I turn around and sit down)
Me: “Hi. I came to talk to you about changing my major to computer science...”
Cain: “I run the nursing department.”
Cain: “But I can take you to Mephisto, the Lord of Hatred. He runs the computer science department.”
Me: “Oh, thanks!”
We then set off to find the bearded programmer of a professor, Mephisto. It turned out he was in the first place we looked; his office. Thanking Deckard Cain for his help, I went on to tell Mephisto about how I'd just been approved for Calculus and wanted to transfer to the Computer Science program. As long last I could breathe a sigh of relief— although the computer science program normally ran starting in the fall, I would be able to start spring 2006. What joy I experienced at that moment! In the preceding weeks, I had been unable to think of anything other than the hatred I felt toward the math class I had been carelessly thrown into. Now my mind was truly free; I felt a complete sense of satisfaction and contentment. Handing me a form to fill out, Mephisto told me that to change my major I would need to fill out the form and sign it. I would also need Mephisto's signature, as well as the signature of my current student adviser. And that's when it hit me— I'd never found out who my adviser was.
Following the Lord of Hatred to the other side of the campus, we eventually came to an medium sized room full of what appeared to be ledgers and records. We explained that I was transferring to the computer science major, and that I needed to know who my student adviser was. Like in my brief meeting with Akara, I was asked for my name. But this time, I was asked for my social security number instead of my student ID, which I of course gave. Once again, nothing turned up. I began to doubt my existence, but then turned over my student ID, which finally proved its worth and found my record. So after an extensive half-hour search, the mystery adviser whose signature I would need to complete my transfer to my dream major was— and this is true— Deckard Cain.
Running across the campus with a transfer form in my right hand, I quickly made it to Cain's office. Unbeknownst to me, Cain had left for that day (or was in a meeting). His office door was locked, and the lights were turned off. Looking down at my watch, I realized that my next class started in less than ten minutes. Compounding matters, that class was in the building I had come from— on the other side of the campus. My inner jackrabbit taking over, I galloped as fast as I could to my next class. By the time I got there, I was completely exhausted and could barely keep my head up during the lecture. I managed to, though. The chairs in that classroom were connected to the desks, so it was near-impossible to slouch. I spent the next hour hovering on the very border of attentiveness.
I basically didn't do anything else regarding the whole matter until the following week. I ran into Mephisto in the hall, and told him I couldn't get in touch with Deckard Cain. Being the nice guy that he is, the Lord of Hatred said he'd make sure Deckard Cain got my unsigned transfer slip. So now I'm happily in the Computer Science major, and according to the final grades I have for my classes, I no longer have to care about 9th grade math classes. And none of this would've been possible if I'd eaten that turkey sandwich anywhere else on the campus. Mighty is the ground-fowl!