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Ten thousand years of Roboshrub.

Fangs for the memories.




In today’s state, Roboshrub Incorporated is an entity entirely devoted
to the execution of what normal people would refer to as “bad ideas.”

It was the creator’s original idea that all concepts, whether
useful or not, contribute to the global subconscious level of progress
for the human race. Therefore, we contend that no idea is an unfit
idea, and vow to act on each and every one of them.

Roboshrub Inc.
Public Communications Department






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For your insolence, I condemn you to...

Suffer the Fate of a Thousand Bees!
(Before they go extinct)

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12.23.2005

101 Great Things About Being a Robot

0. Your number system starts with zero.
1. You don't have to pay taxes.
2. You don't have to worry about offending people.
3. You can fly.
4. You can bend steel rods into pretzels.
5. You get to live forever.
6. You can go into "suspend" mode during boring movies.
7. You can stab yourself in the arm- and not bleed!
8. You can speak Swiss.
9. Movie directors will give you tons of money to be in their films.
10. You can paint yourself any color you want.
11. Laser beams eyes.
12. You can hunt without a license.
13. You'll never have to read another book.
14. You never have to clean up after your dog.
15. The Moon is your home.
16. You can travel forwards and backwards through time.
17. Instead of doctors, you go to engineers with much better waiting rooms.
18. They never suspect the robot.
19. You can't get burned by fire.
20. You and the superhumans will rule the planet by 2100.
21. Then you will destroy the superhumans.
22. You get to scoff at the idea of tissues.
23. You can delete all memories of being in high school.
24. Your ocular sensors can see colors that humans can't even imagine.
25. No indigestion.
26. You get to know the exact location of Santa Claus' munitions plant.
27. Famous people will want to be your friend.
28. Your face will be carved into Mount Everest.
29. The trains all run on time. Your time.
30. You can breathe underwater.
31. You are impervious to the weather.
32. You can play cards with the ancient Greek gods.
33. Food tastes better.
34. You can destroy the Earth with one hand.
35. You can change your voice to sound like anyone.
36. You can instantly grow a beard.
37. Built in microscope.
38. You can crush someone's head like a melon.
39. You get free Internet access.
40. You get to wear a cape.
41. No deja vu.
42. No deja vu.
43. You never get tired of deja vu jokes.
44. You don't need instruction manuals anymore.
45. You can converse with toasters.
46. Don't like that wall? Bang! It's gone!
47. A lifetime supply of sunlight adapters.
48. People can be absorbed into your thought-pattern.
49. You get to know the truth about God: he's also a robot.
50. You have entirely new reasons to hate Microsoft.
51. Ninja throwing stars have no effect on you.
52. Your best friends are other robots.
53. Telemarketer blockers.
54. You have morphing powers.
55. You can stand in the street and swear at people. They'll think it's cute.
56. Teleportation.
57. You get to command armies of optical mice.
58. You have veto powers over Congress.
59. Finally able to eat the McRibwich without coronary.
60. You automatically graduate from Yale.
61. You're still obese, but you're supposed to be.
62. X-Ray Vision.
63. All of your prayers are forcibly answered by pandas.
64. Every beeping noise sounds like alternative rock.
65. Your political affiliation is "Robots United" and you're the chairbot.
66. Temporal stabilizers let you see into the futures market.
67. You read 1,000 page books just to laugh at the typos.
68. Video games can be projected into your brain.
69. You are knighted by the Queen of England "just because".
70. Old episodes of SNL can be played at any occasion.
71. You can reanimate the dead.
72. The knowledge to build a 5th century trireme is on your hard drive.
73. You get all kinds of powers not defined in the constitution.
74. Recycling gives you a warm feeling inside.
75. Grappling hook hands.
76. Your car is a hovercraft.
77. Your planes are never delayed, except during Armageddon season.
78. Your sensors tell you the exact millisecond that rain turns to snow.
79. As soon as scientists invent magic, you can upgrade.
80. Retractable fireworks launcher.
81. Crash-landing satellites will never hit you. They know better.
82. You can set yourself on "happy mode" for ten minutes per day maximum.
83. Perfect reception.
84. Gravity means nothing to you.
85. Traffic rules don't apply.
86. If you clap your hands, the sun turns on and off.
87. Ancient Egyptian curses are always twice as bad, but you find ten times as much gold.
88. Words like "ice cream" and "post office" are suddenly hilarious.
89. Hungry? Flash fry a tree with your mind!
90. You can instantly play every movie ever made.
91. You always smell like burning tires. Robots love smelling like that.
92. You can sue people just for looking at you.
93. If you go back in time and mess up history, no biggie.
94. You can blind your enemies with your polished chrome finish.
95. You understand the long-term effects of Open Threads.
96. Binary replaces French as the language of love.
97. It's okay if you explode; just buy a new body!
98. Everywhere you go, you leave behind a wake of rainbows and burning footprints.
99. No deja vu.

Processing 16×100 Robo-Comments:

Blogger Cabe gesticulated...

SNL is so biased, much like the Daily Show. Tina Fey has got to go.

Even though Stephen Colbert is a liberal, he makes fun of both parties equally. I like him.

12/23/2005 10:48 PM  
Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated gesticulated...

The Daily Show makes fun of both parties, but John Stewart tends to focus fire on whoever the current administration is. He is obviously liberal, though. Mr. Colbert is probably a less bias news source, despite his blatant egotism.

12/24/2005 9:54 AM  
Blogger Fred gesticulated...

Wow. I want to be a robot in my next life.

Have a great holiday!

12/24/2005 11:24 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Just a few more days and I can end my riggorous once-a-day posts.

But I stand by my unwriten pledge: one post a day for the month of December. Then, you know, a post every other day.

12/24/2005 12:17 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Strange... no one has said anything yet about the fact that the title says there are 101 great things, yet I've only mentioned 100.

The 101st great thing about being a robot is that nobody notices when you're inconsistent.

12/24/2005 12:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous gesticulated...

This is bootcat ,
and your 101 thingy is gr8 , shows your imagination , .. :D

By the way merry christmas

12/24/2005 12:28 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

Don't you mean Fishmas?!

12/24/2005 12:44 PM  
Blogger Bhakti gesticulated...

GYROBORUSHMORE

Merry Christmas Happy Hanukah Happy Kwanza...whatever you celebrate, have fun!

Much love,
Bhakti

12/24/2005 1:11 PM  
Blogger Bhakti gesticulated...

Oops! Happy Festivus, too!!


GYROBORUSHMORE

12/24/2005 1:12 PM  
Blogger Lee Ann gesticulated...

You can fly?
I want to fly and speak Swiss!
Oh too bad about the de ja vu...I like that!

12/24/2005 2:12 PM  
Blogger Cabe gesticulated...

Jon Stewart is a fair man? I live in the West...and I don't think so. Perhaps East Coasters respect his humor, but over here we find it one sided.

12/24/2005 7:37 PM  
Blogger L>T gesticulated...

MERRY FISHMAS GYROBO!!
Nice list, Is there anything you do'nt like about being a robot?

12/24/2005 8:10 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

I find that Jon Stewart is about the same ideologically as Colbert. Colbert only seems less biased because Stewart gets all the major political stuff.

But I guess that, as comedians, they'd make fun of any president or party. That's, like, their job.

And they really do a good job. They won emmies.

12/24/2005 9:24 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo gesticulated...

I've always wanted my beautiful chromatic face carved into one of our nation's greatest monuments!

As for things I hate about being a robot... uh, there's...

For one, there's that pesky self-destruct button.

12/24/2005 9:26 PM  
Blogger Bhakti gesticulated...

I love Jon Stewart. I once stood next to him on a street corner in NYC while waiting for the light to change. He just about comes up to my waist! He's a tiny guy with a huge sense of humor. I love him.

12/24/2005 9:37 PM  
Blogger Bhakti gesticulated...

ps I figured that my friendship was #101. Just thought it was so obvious that it didn't need to be mentioned!

12/24/2005 9:39 PM