Ruminants of Destiny

For countless ages, the Llamas had lived in peace. None had dared trespass on their ancient, hollowed grounds. Until today.

“I assume you all are aware of the tragedy that has befallen us.”

Everyone looked across the long marble table at the Great Elder Llama, some with disdain, others with true sadness in their eyes. Surely there was not one among them who did not grieve in some way.

“For over 10,000 years we have been entrusted with the Manwhich of Destiny. And for over 10,000 years, we have kept it safe. But now, it is... gone.”

The words hung in the air like a bag of rotting meat.

“Now, we don't know where it is or who-”

“I'm telling you, I need to see the Elders!” shouted a desperately angry voice as the door to the chamber was jarred open. Two guards walked in, followed by an exhausted looking Dick Cheney. The room fell silent as all eyes stared upon him, some of the less experienced Elders wondering who this human was, who could barge into the chamber while the Elders were in session. But the Great Elder Llama knew better.

“There can be only one reason you would be here. The Manwhich must have been stolen by the Scones.” lamented the Elder. Upon hearing this, Cheney's angry facade gave way to bitter disappointment and fear.

“Stolen?! The Manwhich of Destiny has been stolen?!”

“Yes. We saw the signs that they were planning something big, but by the time we figured it out, the Manwhich was gone.”

“And you just let the Scones take it?! Without a fight?!” Cheney's countenance rippled with anger and cellulite. The lesser Elders slowly moved away from the human. Clearly, this was one of the three who defeated the Scone army over 60 years ago. He was someone to be feared.

“We did not simply hand it over to them,” continued the Great Elder unperturbed, “and right now our primary goal should not be assigning blame. We need to devise a way to retrieve the Manwhich before it's colossal energies are unleashed. I fear that with it, the Scones could become... unstoppable.”

“You're right of course,” said Cheney, regaining his composure. “Now what was it you were saying about 'signs'?”

“Our scouts believe that the Scones are up to their old tricks again. They want to destroy humanity from the inside; we think they've already got someone working inside your very own government. And now with the Manwhich... anything is possible.”

His brain abuzz with a thousand thoughts, Cheney took a quick glance around the chamber. “I can no longer use my full power. Bond is dead.” It took the Elders a few seconds to process this new information through their meta-llama skulls. Finally, the Great Llama Elder spoke.

“That is a terrible thing, but seriously, you really should start looking into the Scones covert infiltration into your government.”

“I've already got someone looking into it for me,” chuckled Cheney. “Only he doesn't know know it yet.”

On August 2, 2005, a special election was held in Ohio's 2^nd congressional district to fill a vacancy left after the former Representative was abducted by space aliens and then hit by three trains earlier this year. The favorite in this heavily conservative district was Jean Schmidt, not only because she's a republican, but also because she was part of the NASA team that invented tang. Her main opponent was Paul Hackett, a self-made trillionaire who scaled Mount Everest in two hours. Of course, the election is over. Jean Schmitt won by a margin of 52-48. But what are the implications of this election? Join us as we analyze the historical and theoretical history of Ohio's 2^nd congressional district.

Ever since Governor Bob Taft was exposed as part of the organ harvesting scandal (livergate), his approval ratings have plummeted to the point where Richard Nixon got out of his grave and slapped him in the face. Claims Richard Nixon's dessicated remains, “That actually felt kinda good. But he's still going on my list.” This of course has been devastating to the Ohio republican party. “No one wants to be on Richard Nixon's bad side,” said a republican aid under the condition of anonymity. Still, Governor Taft's 19% approval rating does not bode well, especially for him. It would appear that the scandal-ridden buckeye politico has little prospects of a fourth term.

“But how does the Governor's problems affect the congressional election?” you might ask if you were an idiot. As anyone can tell you, the “Coattail” effect occurs when politicians come to power using the support of a more popular and influential politician. What happened in the 2nd district was the reverse of the coattail effect, known as the “Jump Ship Before It's Too Late!” effect. Jean Schmidt, who would normally have won the race by 30 points or more, came within a measly four percent of being thrown out on the street like so many candy wrappers by ten-year-olds. Thusly, competition was created in a place where there was none. The race was close, and voter turnout was extremely high. And high voter turnout is a sure sign of more people going to the polls.

I have a box. Inside the box is a thread, wavering on the edge of definition. The bok contains a radioactive isotope with a half-life of one day, which has a fifty percent chance of cause the thread to be open, and a fifty percent chance of making it closed. At the end of the day--which is the thread? Open, or catfish? Your decision will change it forever.